so yup me again....... like i said when i hit the lotto you will all get checks!!! i am with difficult child, we walk into store i wanted to buy glasses (drinking glasses) i was excited, set aside the 20 bucks to do it. i had taken difficult child to the library did the mom thing, got her a muffin for breakfast. the glasses were for me. may sound silly, yet i have bought countless sets of glasses for years. kids break them. i have bought a set of 4 wine glasses kids use them and break them. it really makes me sad each dinner that we have to sit with-6 ppl table covered with odd glasses, mugs, etc. sounds silly i know so much more is wrong here yet it upsets me ALOT. my grandmother instilled in me "set a nice table" yet i just cant' seem to ever. these miserable kids put their paws on absolutely anything nice and break it. so i pick the glasses out, difficult child and i handle them make sure their sturdy i'm totally invisioning myself washing them putting them in cabinet lol. we walk to register, difficult child spots pull ups depends actually. she says oh ma i'm out of them again, the other ones you got just dont work. i being the selfless mom i am, go over put the glasses down im sure i had a frown on i wont lie. i pick up the depends and that's where my money went. NOT MY GLASSES. as i stood on line it hit me. i really hate my life lately. i just hate it. i wake up each day and i say ok one more day difficult child, easy child, the dogs, husband pain in my butt literally. yup you know me i know the drill i do the gratitude journal, i listen to the therapist tell meit's amazing you arent' depressed, i'm funny make ppl laugh, be there for those who need me in my life. yet i'm tired of it. im able to function, dont' need the medications. im not bed ridden. yet i need to gain control not just of this home the kids my marriage balls in air on all. yet me needs to gain a sense of self. i've gotten lost and eaten up in the mix terribly. im just terribly sad. i'm locked in everyday here. no time for me, no out time. last weekend difficult child went to dad's and what did i do spent time with-easy child because she needed it. monday husband was going to watch kids for two hours so i could go to library alone and than join gym. what happened ortho guy called for difficult child's arm only available appointment in an hr. ps.. sat there 3 hours with-kids waiting. i made a promise to me when i left portland i'd put me first again. yet since i've returned where am I? i struggle to get time alone will take my hot bubble baths, steal a bit away to come on here. all ofyou are graet yet it's not enough. i want sooo much more. i keep telling myself jen hold on baby your time will come. yet when? i live through the kids enjoyment when they have it. watch them ride the horse. i want to ride teh stupid horse. watch them take pleasure in anything i do for them. yet what do i do for me. i dream of working again, having a life, friends like i used to have.. i didnt' know how lucky i was. dream of not hating my husband with whom i'm ready to toss, dream of a dinner out. yet each time we plan it we have a housefull of rowdy kids to attend to. i take pleasure in the small things at this point it's all ive got.i can really functional off minimal. i can iv'e done it i can be the trooper. yet i'm tired now. i've lived my entire life for my kids now past 4 years husband's job, his ex, his kids, his schedule. i'm just tired of it all. than i stand in the store looking at my 5'5 tall almost 12 year old who still wets the bed every night and realize that there is no reprieve in sight. god granted me this amazingly complicated person who almost all my energies go to. sorry i just had to go somewhere with-it couldnt' afford another therapy session lol. i think i just miss me so very much. the me who used to paint (can't afford paints or canvas anymore), the me who used to have friends go out with-them and have fun. who used to walk my dog on the beach ALONE. who would go riding once a mos. just for me, go to dinner with-my husband have a few drinks and just get stupid. i've been in lock down for almost 9 mos. now and i cant' take it anymore. sorry and thanks for letting me vent. i get i'm all over the board as of late. it's time to take ownership change the things for me that need changing. yet how when one can't find the time? i do therapy in my bathroom begging difficult child to leave me alone. so yea ah -ha i'm depressed and tired of it all!!