**long winded post, sorry** I am thoroughly ashamed of, dissapointed and disgusted with difficult child. The sad thing is that he has actually gone easy child for the last couple months. I thought that maybe just maybe life with him didn't have to be an ongoing exercise in torture. I know it's sick but I really hate hate hate to be happy because everytime I let down my guard something catastrophic happens. I realize that is paranoid thinking and everyone has life troubles but my track record is astounding and pathetic. Anyway... Although difficult child/easy child is now doing well the fall out of some of his previous actions, the awful things he did when he was more difficult child are haunting me, not him...why would he have any residual consequences? As you all may know I live practically in the back yard of husband's large extended family. As it turns out difficult child had a habit of venting about me when he used to have his rages. His venting also included pieces of very personal conversations that he eaves dropped into. difficult child would take information that should stay in the confines of home and spread it to the rest of the extended family. What it boils down to is that I did say things in confidence to my husband in the course of life, normal wife venting things that most people have the sense to not spread around to others, you know...secrets. Well difficult child took it upon himself to air all of that to the extended family and particularly emphasized what I said about others. I am not a gossip but I do tell husband thigs that happen here on the farm and things his family did to aggravate me, normal husband and wife chit chat. Well...now each and every member of the extended family knows all of it and have known it for months which may explain a lot of the junk I get around here and why they act differently to me. Nice... I'm not talking about mean spirited stuff. I'm talking about telling husband that he needed to explain to the rather large person who is his relation to please sit on a particular sturdy chair because they had already broken a few or that it was in fact NOT our pets leaving surprises all over that would make gramps mad it was actually gramps pets etc. Not bad stuff really but when taken out of context and said by an angry trouble making teen and well...you get the picture. I never had a good reputation here and never fully fit in because I am a "tattooed divorce' " who stole a Mommas boy out from under a very controlling Momma hen. The deck was always stacked against me and it just got worse. I look like a complete horse patootie in a way I can't possibly clean up and as much as I hate living next to these people and having them be a constant presence in my life I can't move or it would mean divorce or life long misery for husband. This is his childhood home and he built our house by hand. This land is in his blood and in order to love him I have to accept this part of him. Anyway, as usual difficult child now less easy child has zero remorse. He only cares about getting caught but has no compassion gene. He has no idea how many decades of my life are left living next to these people who think I am awful. He has no concept of how much of my life I have sacrificed for him, life I should have spent on myself instead. After everything else he has put me through and let me assure you it was a lot, this has to be the most painful. Today I stopped seeing the sweet baby boy I wanted to protect and save. Today something in my heart broke in a way I know I cannot ever retrieve. Today I stopped loving my child. Today I realized he really is just a beast underneath of it all and all the hope was just my wishful thinking. difficult child may be just a teen but he is also a bad person and no amount of my love would have ever changed it. Now in true form he is doing well, will be moved out in a couple years and has left my life in ruins. Ruins not just from this latest incident but from years of his abuse. Kind of hoovers looking back at the last decade of my life knowing I threw it all away for someone who treats me like gum beneath their shoe. Sorry to ramble, just one of those soul weary kind of days.