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<blockquote data-quote="HashtagHope" data-source="post: 760838" data-attributes="member: 27682"><p>Thank-you so much for your responses and stories you've shared. It helps so so so very much. I've not posted since by first post. I have to admit that after sharing my story, I felt strangely defeated. For reasons that I would need to share a whole other story, it's like I've trained by whole life to never let anything hurt me or at least never show it. I always spend a little while beating myself up when I share how hurt I am.</p><p></p><p>Since I wrote last, my son spent some time in jail, and is now at another sober-living house. I told him I would pay for up to two months to give him a little time to start making money from his job. I'm back on anti-anxiety medications so I feel numb much of the time. No real ups or downs. I will never know exactly where to draw the line for my son. My very muddy rule is I only help him if he's sober and making attempts to stay that way. He's being forced to stay at the place he's at now, or he goes back to jail. He's unhappy, but what he doesn't realize is that he's always unhappy regardless of his situation. I've been trying to spend Saturday or Sunday with him. Admittedly, it drains everything I have in me, which is not much after the work week (elem teacher...). In between a thin layer of a great sense of humor, he is mostly just angry and talks about how terrible his life is. I've come to a very hard realization that in isolation of his addiction, he has a very narcissistic personality and his perception is his reality. At this point in our relationship (much of it he was too drunk to remember), I do not like my son very much and I am guarded with him. My love for him is emotionally expensive. </p><p></p><p>His last therapist once told me something like... As mothers we feed them, we put clothes on their back, and put a roof over their heads. With these essentials, we assume good things are happening. I now understand that the two are unrelated, but I still provide him with a cushion in hopes something will click. Ironically, it's typically a cushion that he's never appreciative of, even when he knows I've sacrificed so much to provide it for him.</p><p></p><p>The owner of my son's sober-living house posted this quote and it gave me a much needed bitter-sweet laugh:</p><p></p><p><strong><em>I begged the universe</em></strong></p><p><strong><em>for you</em></strong></p><p><strong><em>and one day</em></strong></p><p><strong><em>you arrived</em></strong></p><p><strong><em>as everything I'd always</em></strong></p><p><strong><em>asked for</em></strong></p><p><strong><em>and it didn't take me long</em></strong></p><p><strong><em>to realize --</em></strong></p><p><strong><em>I should have been</em></strong></p><p><em><strong>more specific. </strong></em></p><p></p><p>ATTICUS</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="HashtagHope, post: 760838, member: 27682"] Thank-you so much for your responses and stories you've shared. It helps so so so very much. I've not posted since by first post. I have to admit that after sharing my story, I felt strangely defeated. For reasons that I would need to share a whole other story, it's like I've trained by whole life to never let anything hurt me or at least never show it. I always spend a little while beating myself up when I share how hurt I am. Since I wrote last, my son spent some time in jail, and is now at another sober-living house. I told him I would pay for up to two months to give him a little time to start making money from his job. I'm back on anti-anxiety medications so I feel numb much of the time. No real ups or downs. I will never know exactly where to draw the line for my son. My very muddy rule is I only help him if he's sober and making attempts to stay that way. He's being forced to stay at the place he's at now, or he goes back to jail. He's unhappy, but what he doesn't realize is that he's always unhappy regardless of his situation. I've been trying to spend Saturday or Sunday with him. Admittedly, it drains everything I have in me, which is not much after the work week (elem teacher...). In between a thin layer of a great sense of humor, he is mostly just angry and talks about how terrible his life is. I've come to a very hard realization that in isolation of his addiction, he has a very narcissistic personality and his perception is his reality. At this point in our relationship (much of it he was too drunk to remember), I do not like my son very much and I am guarded with him. My love for him is emotionally expensive. His last therapist once told me something like... As mothers we feed them, we put clothes on their back, and put a roof over their heads. With these essentials, we assume good things are happening. I now understand that the two are unrelated, but I still provide him with a cushion in hopes something will click. Ironically, it's typically a cushion that he's never appreciative of, even when he knows I've sacrificed so much to provide it for him. The owner of my son's sober-living house posted this quote and it gave me a much needed bitter-sweet laugh: [B][I]I begged the universe for you and one day you arrived as everything I'd always asked for and it didn't take me long to realize -- I should have been[/I][/B] [I][B]more specific. [/B][/I] ATTICUS [/QUOTE]
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