All I Can Say is Wow

[stressedmama]

As far as I know, difficult child has been clean for 80 days. While that is GREAT, I am growing less and less confident it will last. Sometime around 15 days clean, she moved into a half-way house where they are monitored, tested, have to get a job, go to so many meetings per week, volunterr work, individual and group counseling, etc. Pretty structured - which is absolutely what she needs.

She moved out last week. She gave 2 different stories as to why she was moving to a differnt recovery house. She said she and 1 other girl were the only 2 there voluntarily (the rest were court-ordered) and the ones there by CO were diluting their urine, having boys spend the night - basically breaking all the rules. She didn't want to be in that environment and that she was in a tough spot because reporting them would cause her trouble and not reporting them could get her kicked out if it was found out she knew what was going on and didn't say anything. Sounds like a reasonable, mature decision that she said she made after speaking with her sponsor. Then we spoke to her mom who told us difficult child did tell her that story but the 1st story she told her mom was that the house was up her way too much and she wanted out. Now THAT sounds like the difficult child we all know and love. The not-so-responsible, immature, teenage-like (she's 32) decision. UGH!!

I've said all along I have equated her actions and attitude to a freshman in college going away to school for the 1st time. No longer under her parents' thumbs. She just seemed to be having way too much fun for being new in recovery. She only started working last week so all this time, she's had not much to do with her time. She has always been one to attach herself too quickly to new people in her life and she's exhibiting that still. With one of her housemates who became her BFF within 2 days of meeting, with people in her NA meetings, etc. She was spending more time with people outside the house and being the procrastinator she's always been when it came to looking for a job, etc. It would drive me crazy when husband would tell me he spoke to her at lunchtime and she was just getting out of the shower to take the hour it takes her to do her makeup so she would potentially start the job hunt at 2pm! I told her that her full time job was looking for a full time job! She always hated it when I said that in the past. Apparently she still does

Anyhoo...I asked her to text me her address yesterday. Guess what?! The address was not for the recovery house she said she moved to. It was actually to a house nicer than mine, in a neighborhood nicer than mine! She claims it's a recovery house. I don't believe it.

So many suspicions about what she's really up to. Her mom and dad both agree something's off. They both want to believe she's not using. I'm not so sure. If it quacks like a duck, you know?

husband was really upset with her last night and told her that if she was going continue to lie to us, then he didn't want to hear from her. Then he shared with me he is not so sure difficult child will be back at all to take care of her son, ever. That was huge for him to have that realization.

 

[Nancy]

Yep that story is very far fetched. I heard so many crazy stories when my difficult child was in recovery and every one of them turned out to be a cover up for the fact that she either broke a rule and got kicked out or relapsed. The truth will come out soon. Sorry to say I agree with your suspicions.

 

[Signorina]

Hi Stressed Mama - so sorry for the agony you are going thru.

I just want you to know you are not alone. Our board tends to refer times like these as "being on the roller coaster" - we know we are being taken for a ride- but we can't predict the twists and turns and we know there will be a big drop at some point.

Trust your instincts, protect your heart.

 

[GuideMe]

She moved out last week. She gave 2 different stories as to why she was moving to a differnt recovery house. She said she and 1 other girl were the only 2 there voluntarily (the rest were court-ordered) and the ones there by CO were diluting their urine, having boys spend the night - basically breaking all the rules. She didn't want to be in that environment and that she was in a tough spot because reporting them would cause her trouble and not reporting them could get her kicked out if it was found out she knew what was going on and didn't say anything. Sounds like a reasonable, mature decision that she said she made after speaking with her sponsor.

How interesting. All the sudden they become so mature and responsible when their freedom gets cut off. You mean to tell me that these difficult child's who have seen and participated in everything imaginable..... that they would be so disturbed by someone diluting their urine or someone having boys spend the night? As if they haven't seen or done much worse? Haha, ok. Wow, such manipulator's.

 

[2much2recover]

that they would be so disturbed by someone diluting their urine or someone having boys spend the night? As if they haven't seen or done much worse? Haha, ok. Wow, such manipulator's.

Ha-ha - yes that is a good one

 

[comatheart]

Oh geez. Sounds so familiar! Hang in there, know you are not alone! (((Hugs)))

 

[Gone]

I am still on the roller coaster myself

I WANT to believe what my difficult child says , but I DON'T trust what comes out of her mouth even if it's true , but it doesn't ''feel'' true sometimes and actions speak louder than words and come to the surface sooner or later

If she wants to lie to herself , fine , but don't pretend you can ABLY take care of your son well and try and get him back from foster care if it is ''an experiment waiting to go wrong''

My Grandsons life is NOT an experiment and nor is the fact that I can only see him once a week for 2 precious hours and that has been the case for over 5 MONTHS now and God only knows for HOW MUCH LONGER...

I dreamt about my GS last night , it was a sad dream because even though I was spending some time with him in my dream there was SO much 'hanging over our heads' and I didn't know how much longer it would just be for 2 precious hours a week and yet am GRATEFUL for that even , although the sadness is ever with me as I don't know if we ever will be REUNITED as I don't trust social services either

Anyway there has been a change of social worker now , but still doubt it will make a difference at all - I have bent over backwards and done somersaults for them and it is still not good enough and good is twisted to bad , words are misconstrued and when I try to explain the TRUTH they still won't believe me as they have painted a picture of me which is not the real me or a 'me' I even RECOGNISE!

I will keep fighting little mans corner , my difficult child wants me and her to be close again but every time we get close my stress levels rise and she thinks I will be on her side / cover for her when I WON'T and THEN the true abusive colours come out as I WON'T cover up for her with SS even though it does ME no good or works in my favour with them as it DOESN'T , nothing does , BUT it is for my GS's sake , I have to protect him from ANY potential harm and I WILL even against my own flesh and blood , because that is the only way I HAVE to go for little mans sake! x

 

[stressedmama]

So husband talked to her last night. She called to apologize for how she handled telling him about her new living arrangements but swears she really is in a recovery house.

I told him that I thought there was a "boy" she's invovled with based on some previous texts and conversations. He asked her about it last night and guess what? I was right...again. I didn't ask if he knows but I'm pretty sure it's been going on since about 2 weeks into the halfway house (so about 2 months). He said exactly what I said which was "don't you know you're not supposed to get into a relationship right now?" And "He should know better" (as he's been in recovery for 7 yrs). Apparenlty they met at an NA meeting. She said everyone she knows there has said the same thing. That hasn't deterred them, obviously. I hope and pray she's on birth control. I texted her and and point blank asked her but of course she hasn't answered me. God help us all if she gets pregnant. At what point do our difficult child's realize their decisions affect ALL of us, not just them? UGH!

 

[2much2recover]

He said exactly what I said which was "don't you know you're not supposed to get into a relationship right now?" And "He should know better" (as he's been in recovery for 7 yrs).

Rules don't apply to them - plain and simple!

 

[Gone]

At what point do our difficult child's realize their decisions affect ALL of us, not just them?

....NEVER???

I honestly think my difficult child will NEVER realise what she has put me through and still is putting me through and I have to live with that fact

I deal with my OWN anger about her as that is MY ''stuff'' then have to leave her to deal with her ''stuff'' ( hopefully , for her sake )

Sad thing is HOW does my GS deal with ''his stuff''???

He is 7 years old and Autistic with only a little speech , he does get upset and angry sometimes which is not surprising so I am going to encourage him to hit some pillows as he does lash out when angry and frustrated and seems to look for an effective way of getting it all out , bless him! x

The thing I HATE and find difficult is the ''unknown'' I don't KNOW if or when my difficult child is going to recover , I don't know WHEN my GS will be out of care or how LONG he will be in care , the next LAC review is in March 2015 so SS are obviously expecting he will still be in care then which will make it 9 months away from us as a family

My other daughter has not seen her nephew who she is very fond of for 6 months now and he has not seen his little 2 yr old cousin for 6 months either and he says her name from time to time along with one of his Uncles name...

It affects the wider family indeed and EVERYONE in the family are concerned about my difficult child and GS's future , it is worrying , stressful and it hurts , the whole family is hurting and we ''supposed'' to be looking forward to a 'very Merry Christmas' which is very difficult under these circumstances!!!!

I have already had 3 losses this year so it is a sad time for all of us in the family and this situation just adds to it and it is not the bereavements which destroyed this family it is the ALCOHOLISM!!!

 

[BusynMember]

Have you ever heard of mindfulness? It is the art of concentrating on the here and now...not the past or the future. Mindfulness leads to tremendous peace whereas mulling over the past often leads to guilt, much of it false guilt, and worrying about the future leads to catastrophiszng about "what if." It can drive one nuts. Here is an article on mindfulness. I use it whenever I get too stressed out and it calms me. Dialectal behavioral therapy teaches Wise Mind and I welcome you to learn about it and see how you can gain from it's wisdom and to see the world in a whole new and calmer way. Read and see if you think it can help you.:

http://www.mindfulnessmuse.com/dialectical-behavior-therapy/what-is-wise-mind

 

[Nancy]

My difficult child couldn't stop getting into relationships with everyone she met at AA that was willing. And yep she did get pregnant with a heroin addict while she was living in a sober house.

 

[Kathy813]

Hi stressedmama. Your difficult child is 32. I think that you are way too involved in her life right now. Are you financially supporting her?

I had to learn this the hard way. My difficult child is 29 and my husband and I had to finally just stop supporting her financially and let her fall. I have cut off contact for the time being but she does talk with husband.

Surprisingly, since we finally stopped paying her her rehab, halfway houses, rent, food, phone, etc., she has managed to find herself a job and a place to live. We don't ask questions about where she is living since it is not our responsibility to keep a roof over her head.

It took me a year of therapy to be able to get to this point. It is an amazing feeling to finally be off the roller coaster.

~Kathy

 

[stressedmama]

No, we are not financially supporting her. She finally got a job and is paying her rent (her bio mom was paying from the time she went to the the half-way house until she got a job). We have her 3 year old son full time so staying up-to-date is somewhat necessary. I don't have much contact with her at all. husband does. I take what information he shares about their conversations and then throw out the warning signs to husband and bio-mom as the counselor suggested I do since I'm more removed and objective than they can be with difficult child.

difficult child's bio mom gave up difficult child (and her brother) when she was a baby...after she got out of rehab. Not sure if difficult child knows the whole story or doesn't want to face it yet, but when we all had a family counseling session together, difficult child thanked her mom for giving her up and putting her in foster care - said it was the best thing that could have happened to her. She gave mom a free pass and then blamed her abandonment issues on husband. Ironically, husband had difficult child when bio mom got out of rehab but since he technically did not have custody (or any rights at that time as bio mom never told him she was pregnant and didn't put him on the birth certificate), she came to his house, took difficult child away from him and put difficult child in foster care. He fought for 3 years to get custody. Bio mom didn't want her and didn't want husband to have her so she didn't have to feel responsible or guilty about her decisions.

The reason I feel compelled to know what's going on and give my input/opinions is because I've been really good at predicting stuff and right now I'm predicting difficult child is going to "give up" our grandson under the guise of what's best for him, although it's really about her not wanting the responsibility. I'm mentally preparing myself for the long-run and having our grandson and all that entails till he's 18 (and beyond)...and dealing with his abandonment issues that are sure to surface.

I spend a lot of time reminding bio mom and husband that she is an adult, making her own decisions - good and bad - and she has to deal with the consequences of those decisions. But ultimately, we all have to deal in some way with her poor decision making as it affects us tremendously when it comes to our precious grandson. If it doesn't include or affect our GS, I really don't care what she does.

I'll have to take some time read about Mindfulness. I've stopped dwelling on the past. I have a knack for predicting the future but I guess I need to set that aside and take whatever comes as it comes...

 

[Gone]

But ultimately, we all have to deal in some way with her poor decision making as it affects us tremendously when it comes to our precious grandson. If it doesn't include or affect our GS, I really don't care what she does

You are doing so well stressedMama , it is SO sad , these stories where it's the little ones who suffer due to the decisions of the parent , but WE suffer too because I fully agree with your words above

If my GS was not involved in this I could get on with my life and just leave difficult child to it!!!

I HAVE to be involved somewhat for my GS's sake!!

And therein IS the stress whether I like it or not as am fuelled by the love I have for my GS , caught in the middle of all this potential chaos and disruption for him which I do NOT want for him but in my case his Mum wants him back NEXT WEEK and has said she is taking him home for Christmas whether social services like it or not which they don't , they have said a categorical NO to her but as she has parental responsibility and it is a voluntary placement in foster care at present she has a ''right'' to take him even if it is not in his best interests to do so

It is a crazy situation and I have written to SS explaining I do NOT agree with my difficult child's decision and feel it is WAY too early for her to have him as I suspect she is still drinking and even if she is NOT her so called sobriety even though she is still smoking weed only 'began' 4 weeks ago!!!

How incredibly EARLY to be even thinking about having him home , but difficult child is adamant she is ready ( yeah RIGHT ) AND IS TAKING HIM HOME NEXT WEEK

She is blaming me for telling SS of a drink driving incident a few months ago as she wanted to tell them she has stopped drinking for 5 months now which is absolute TWADDLE and its ''me'' who has foiled her plans by being honest with them and that she will do anything to get her son back including lying / witholding the truth which I will NOT do for my GS's sake , so then I get all the abuse etc from my difficult child , but fine , as long as my GS is SAFE