All I know to do

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by standswithcourage, Apr 19, 2009.

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  1. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Well all I know to do is to sit and wait. That may sound crazy but it is about the truth. I pray to God to carry my burden of worry but find myself back in the same mindset. That is my shortcoming. I am trying not to worry but I keep seeing this pitiful person pushing a lawn mower around to make money - dirty - no bath - no change of clothes - sleeping in an abandoned trailer with no lights, etc. - and I cant help but wonder if he is still alive - I saw him last week and it wasnt a good time. He wanted money but we wouldnt give it. Instead we gave him our old lawn mower and dropped him back off - I did give him some canned goods with pop tops and apple juice. This is crazy. He cant get his job back at the cafeteria because he doesnt have a way to get there - who will wash his clothes - I asked him again if he wanted detox, rehab, etc. and he said he didnt need it. So , unless he is dead - I hope not, he will probably be back sooner or later for a change of clothes unless he finds some somewhere else - I am sure he made money - I guess - anyway I am going to try and keep my distance and not interact with him - it is not good for him nor me. We are both codependent. I just worry that he is comatose somewhere. How do you find ways not to think that - I dont think it all the time but it could happen very easily. It could also happen under my roof very easily and I dont want any part of that - so that is why he is where he is - in the mmiddle of nowhere.
  2. ML

    ML Guest

    Detach from the story and focus on the "now". I am re-listening to Eckert Tolle's cds and they are very powerful. Go to a meeting, take a walk, call up a friend. Just remove your thoughts from this story and engage in life, your life, the only one you have. I hear your pain, believe me I do. But for your sanity and peace please do something enjoyable for yourself today to distract you from the drama. Thinking of you with love, ML
  3. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I think you are doing the best you can under very difficult circumstances, Susan. It was good of you to give him some food and something healthy to drink. All of those things that you want for him, a warm dry place to sleep, a job and a car to get there, clean clothes, he can have them if he will stop the drugs. He knows that too. He says he doesn't need detox or rehab knowing full well that those things that you want for him would come of that. He doesn't want those things for himself. You want those things for him. It's not something that you can give to him because so long as he is using he will always come back to being without those things.

    I know it's really hard. Keep up the good work. I'm glad that you didn't give him any money or let him come home. You gave him the means to earn some money on his own. Hopefully he will do that.

    Are you using the rubber band technique? Please tell us about how that is going if you are, or why you're not if your not?
  4. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    I think that your reactions are perfectly normal. To not care would be non-human. But, he must face this in order to get to the other side. With an addict they must get sick and tired of being sick and tired before they will be willing to accept help. I have seen it happen over and over. As long as you refuse to enable, he will get there sooner than later. I know it's hard. You're doing great. And we have all felt those feelings----it is so scary waiting for them to want help----your son is a hard case---don't ask him about rehab anymore...that may be prolonging the process. Just keep doing what you're doing. Give him food, clean clothes if he needs, a way to make money that doesn't involve you paying him. Those things are the same things you would give a homeless stranger. But, no money. No rides to doctors. for medications. No rides to friends or to anywhere besides a rehab.
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Try to remember that right now YOUR values aren't his values. He doesn't care if his clothes are dirty or if he sleeps in a trailer. Robert Downey Jr. was totally a MILLIONAIRE and they found him hanging around seedy places, dirty, unwashed--it doesn't matter to an addict. All he cares about is getting high. His body craves the drug, not nutritious food--it wouldn't shock me if he sold those pop tarts for a few bucks. He needs money for drugs. As long as he's refusing to admit he needs help, he can't be helped.

    Live one day at a time, go to meetings A LOT (are you?) and plan fun things to do with your hub and friends and functional children. It's scary, but you can't save his life. Only he can do that. He will be in just as much danger if you feed and clothe him than if he's on the streets because DRUGS KILL.
  6. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    This is a very keen observation. He may be not going because he feels a need to prove to you that he doesn't need it. Maybe he thinks that if he admits to you that he needs it, he will have to admit all of the things that he fears that you will know. The truth is, you know them all already. But, an addict is good at fooling people, especially themselves. "Mom doesn't know how bad it is, so I can't admit how bad it is."

    Leave it be. Stay strong. Set yourself free.
  7. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Stay strong Susan. You're doing a good job. Find things to destract and bring pleasure back into your life.

  8. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You are doing so well. If you really need to do stuff for him, watch out at yard sales and flea markets for used clothing. Scan the isles at the grocery stores for marked down items and pick up some stuff you can collect to give him next time you want to do so. I do this all the time with Cory. When I see mark down meat on sale at Food Lion..I pick up some for me and some for him and throw it in my big freezer. I save it for when he gets a bit desperate. Then it is Momma to the Makes me feel good.
  9. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Thanks everyone for helping me try and stay strong. I did the rubber band thing and it does work - sometimes I look at it and think - why is this rubber band on my arm?! Anyway, I just cant continue to worry all the time - I havent heard from him today - either he is making money and doesnt need us or something else is going on -
  10. goldenguru

    goldenguru Active Member

    Hi Susan! First of all - I just want to commend you on how far you have come! You are detaching! GOOD FOR YOU!!!

    I am a chronic worrier - as you can read in my signature. Sometimes it would literally incapacitate me. (And on occasion it still does.)

    I have found that getting a grip on my worrying takes time and practice - and redirecting my thoughts. I have to make the conscious choice to STOP the thoughts. Sometimes I even picture the image of a big red stop sign in my own mind. (And because I know your a person of faith - I will also mention that I have memorized a Scripture or two and play it over and over in my head when the intrusive thoughts come).

    I also find that keeping busy chases the worries away. Engage in something else. Yard work. Cleaning. Reading. Whatever works to divert your thoughts.

    Hang in there. You are absolutely on track!

    Praying for you and your son.
  11. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member can come clean for me anytime you get
  12. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    GG Ditto Janet. LOL ;)
  13. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Hi Stands......

    Want to know what I see when I read your post of late? I see a Mother who loves her son dearly. I see a human, who is so torn from what she wants to do and the right that she is doing that she doesn't realize how much stress she's ELIMINATING by NOT doing things for her child, and letting GO and letting natural consequences begin to happen.

    I see a child - who is stubborn, willful, unbendable, - TAKE a second hand lawnmower to earn himself a living. (sorry this just makes me cry to think about it) but HE TOOK THE LAWNMOWER!!!!!!!!!! Do you think if he were living at your home, sleeping on your couch, not following YOUR rules - and you came through on your way to work and said - HEY why don't you take our lawnmower and go door to door and make yourself some money?" that he would? Nope. Do you?

    Do you think that had you allowed him to come live at home with you, sleeping on your couch, not following your rules - and you walked through and handed him a pop tart and an apple juice that he would have APPRECIATED it - ? Nope. Do you? YET HE TOOK THE JUICE AND APPRECIATES IT - maybe not fully just yet......but Summer is coming.

    Do you suppose that at this point - had you allowed him to come live at home with you, sleeping on your couch that he would have an appreciation for how hard you and husband work to pay for the home, heat, air, and comfort of a nice bed with sheets and the safety of 4 walls? Nope - would he have just taken it ALL for GRANTED? you suppose when he's sleeping in a burned out trailer - that he appreciates the safety and comfort of home yet? NO.

    Why? Because he's still proving to HIMSELF and YOU and THE WORLD that he can do everything he wants and STILL have nice things - and that THAT reality is what has to hit them square in the middle of the noggin. He's not done being humbled. He's beginning to see that he COULD do anything he wanted to do or needed to do. But he's got to admit it all to himself that what he's doing now - IS NOT COMFORTABLE and want better.

    So you say in tears - WELL WHAT if he never wants better Star? Huh - what if he never finds the ability to be out of the comfort zone I provide? THAT is the something you have got to stop asking yourself because it makes you nuts as a parent. How could you ever know if you were pampering him or taken him in that anything else would work? :You KNOW taking him in DOES NOT - so there has to be something else - and that something else is EXACTLY what you are doing. EXACTLY -

    AND IT STINKS TO HIGH HEAVEN ------and I hate it for you and all the other parents on the board, self included that have had to put their kids out because we either put them out or they would die in our own homes never changing.

    At least YOU are brave enough to give him the chance to change.

    I'm very VERY proud of you -

    Hugs & Love
    ps. Whatever you do - don't listen to the voice that says "Let him come home just for a little bit." - it would be like starting at square one all over again - for ALL of you. Stay Strong and STAND WITH COURAGE......

    (insert concert cheering here)

  14. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    You have brought me to tears again Star!!!!!!!!!! I love yu girl and everyone else on this board that is cheering for me. you all know me better than I know myself I think. I will follow advice. Sometimes I wish wwe could call each other on the phone!!!!!! or see each other through the internet. Wouldnt that be cool? I am going to Pilates at the gym and then to Alanon. You all are exactly right and I appreciate you being my "rock" when I feel weak.
  15. Estherfromjerusalem

    Estherfromjerusalem Well-Known Member


    It's quite amazing, but I can really feel the process you are going through and the progress that you are making. You explain all your doubts and misgivings and fears, and how hard it is to stand firm. And I truly feel the power of the board as everyone replies to you and supports you, each in their own way. In a way you are an inspiration for me, because I am coping with my own difficulties with my difficult child at the moment and through following your threads I can find the strength to do what I know I have to do (not let him come back to live at home). So I want to thank you for sharing with us as you do. I am learning so much from it.

    I pray that you continue to have the strength to stand firm.

    Hugs to you.

    Love, Esther
  16. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Aw, you guys, you make me want to cry. And I DON'T cry. Ever...
    Susan, hang tough. You're doin' great.
  17. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    by the way---if you can face a Pilate instructor, and make it though a class, you are tougher than you thought:)
  18. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    You have made so many changes, I bet you don't even realize all of them. I am glad the rubber band is helping. I suggested it because it was one thing, THE one thing, that finally got through my worried head/heart when I was a mess over the last round with Wiz. He couldn't stay here, it wasn't safe. He was thrown out of the shelter, he wouldn't follow the rules. What would the judge do? I was going round in circles in my mind. And that helped me STOP and just think about what my life was that minute in time, rather than worry about the future.

    You have come so far in just a few months. Just a very few months ago you refused to ask difficult child to leave, you were making excuses for him right and left because the "what ifs" had you in their grip. Now you ARE standing strong, standing with the courage to do what is needed for YOU to be healthy. To push you son to face the world and the realities of his choices!

    It is GREAT that he took the lawnmower. I know many teachers who mow lawns in the summer to supplement their incomes. If it is good enough for them, well??? Some of the teachers even end up making more in the summer than they do in the 9 months of school! So it is an honest and honorable living.

    He also truly APPRECIATES the food you gave him. In time your difficult child will hit bottom. It will happen sooner if you continue to stand strong!

    I know this is hard, and it has been a long and difficult road for you. I am PROUD of the progress you have made. It is really great to see.

    Sending hugs,

  19. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    I went to the trailer today! It was horrible. Wrappers were everywhere. The blanket I gave him was there. He was not there. Idont know where he is. I was afraid I would find him dead in there but I had to go find out. I just cant sleep when it gets dark anymore. I know that sounds not tough but sometimes my mind gets the best of me. My friend that lives across the street from the people my son was living with said she saw him friday - she said he was pushing the lawnmower but the next time she saw him he didnt have it. I am just so worried and I just wonder how much longer I can keep this up without feeling like he is dead somewhere. I called some of his "friends" but they did not call me back. I cant try and relate to my husband over this because he couldnt believe I went to that trailer. It has some furniture in it but has junk too. I just cant believe it. It is so sad to me. What else could we have done? Sometimes I wonder if an intervention would work - but right now I dont think we can afford it - I am goingto call a counselor I know and ask.

    i am trying to finish school and all way.
  20. goldenguru

    goldenguru Active Member

    If you are unable to "let go" of the uncontrollables and unchangeables in your life, you could:

    *Become so obsessed with the need to solve everything on your own that you run the risk of physical and emotional exhaustion.

    *Never attain personal serenity and peace by accepting the human condition at work in your life.

    *Never establish an effective means of "handing over" to your Higher Power the "too big to solve" issues in your life and thus become bogged down.

    *Never be at rest, always having these issues stirring up your emotional resources and energy.

    *Become anxious, stressed, insecure and depressed over these issues so much that your personal effectiveness lessens at home, work, school or in the community.

    *Become obsessed with these issues so much that they are the only topic of conversation or focus of attention you have in your life.

    *Become competitive with your Higher Power as the source of wisdom and light in the lives of those whom you are so desperately trying to control, fix and change.

    *Exacerbate low self-esteem by becoming so obsessed with the sense of shame, guilt, failure and incompetence in not being able to solve your unsolvable problems.

    *Loss of everything of importance by making such great sacrifices to save the things beyond your control that you lose everything in your life which gave it meaning including: marriage, money, success, business, jobs, children, relationships and even your life.

    Stands - let go of the uncontrollables and unchangeables and be free as Witz would say!
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