All I know to do

[Hound dog]

Stands honey, in your case it's not really tough love. Tough Love doesn't really apply. Because every thing to do in the attempt of helping him actually has the reverse effect. So by NOT helping him, you are helping him in the only way you truly can.

I dunno. Maybe it's me, but I class tough love in a different cagagory because it's a bit more pro active than detachment. And you don't want to be pro active with difficult child because like any form of "helping" him, it will once again have the reverse effect.

I know it's frustrating as all heck. I'm going thru the same with my best friend, who is like a little sis to me. I have to stay away from her 99 percent of the time to avoid the temptation to attempt to "help" her. It's pure h*ll watching them do this to themselves and knowing you can't do anything to stop it.

For further referrence : I agree with MWM, drug addicts/alcoholics do not get hungry. Best friend admitted as much to me when I called her on the fact that the 2 times I'd given her food for her boys to eat, she'd taken what little money she had and shot up with it. Why? Because she no longer had to worry about her kids eating. I'd just taken care of that for her. Paying bills or worrying about what they'd eat in a few days when what little I'd taken her ran out never occured to her. She didn't care. That next fix was at the top of her list.

Her mom is caught up in the same loop you are. Good intentions and motherly love may be the very death of my best friend. Every time she pays a bill for friend (so her grandkids don't do without) or buys them some food......friend heads straight for the drug dealers for her next fix.

Vicious cycle. Literally.

You're doing better. Instead of feeling sorry for him, be angry. Angry that he has a Mom that bends over backward to help him be the best person he can be and he has the audacity to throw it back in your face for a few mins of feeling good.

husband has the right idea. Go away for the weekend and enjoy yourself. Enjoy your together time with husband and wipe difficult child from your mind.

Hugs

 

[flutterby]

Witz, I agree with you completely.

Susan, the last two lines of a speech I read made me think of you:

...
You cannot help men permanently by doing for them
what they could and should do for themselves. - William J. H. Boetcker (frequently attributed to Lincoln)

Honest and truly, and with much compassion, there is nothing else you can do for your son. It's on him now.

I promise you that this is affecting you much, much, much more than it is affecting him. Right now, as painful as it is, he sees you as just a means to an end.

 

[BusynMember]

Stands,
Your son may NEVER decide to get well. There are lifelong drug addicts. You still have a life and so does your hub and easy child---they need you. The one destroying his life won't be any better off if you deny yourself, your other child, and your husband the attention and love they have earned and deserve. Addiction is not easy to kick. There needs to be deep internal motivation and nobody can do it for him. Not even you, his mother. He is getting deeper and deeper into this and there isn't one thing you can do except let him hit rock bottom and hope he DOES see the light. He may not, but YOU STILL HAVE A LIFE.

Stands, success for your son is if he can get off drugs. Even if he flips burgers, but he gets clean that is success. Stop wishing he'll go to college and have a white collar profession. Baby steps. A job won't help him right now. He is getting money--probably selling drugs or stealing. It's an ugly life, but if you give him any money he'll just use it on drugs. HIS WORLD IS DRUGS. Nothing matters, nobody matters except his drugs.

Sounds like you have another great kid and a wonderful, patient hub. Give them the time you're giving worrying about your son. Go to all the meetings to need to learn to let go. You can't save his life. Only he can do that. Right now, he doesn't have much of a life. But it's his decision to keep doing what he's doing, and you can't change that. So please do yourself a favor and don't let him drag you down with him.

 

[jbrain]

Hi Stands,
I think you are having trouble getting to the "acceptance" stage with this. When you accept that there is nothing you can do and that your son may very well never get better and may never be successful then you can let go and live your life without guilt. A tremendous burden will be lifted. And in accepting this reality you will be doing the only thing you actually can do for your son which is nothing. He has no hope of changing as long as you try to help him and he can cling to the hope that you won't let him hit bottom. In fact, if he has any idea that you are so miserable over him that in itself gives him hope that you won't really let him fall.

Hope you are having a better day

Hugs,
Jane

 

[CrazyinVA]

Stands, you said you were going to make an appointment with a counselor.. I thought you already had one? Consistency is really important here. I'm concerned that you sometimes may "shop around" looking for someone to give you answers that you aren't going to find... i.e., how to "fix" your son. If I'm off base, forgive me.. but it's just a hunch.

You will never find an answer to your questions as long as they focus on your son and his actions. You need to redirect that energy and focus on YOU and YOUR actions, and your reactions. That is the key to any 12 step program, whether it be Al-Anon or Nar-Anon or Families Anonymous.

Today is a new day. Choose today to redirect that focus.

 

[Suz]

Repeat ... repeat... repeat...

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Suz

 

[standswithcourage]

Thanks Suz. I have planted it in my brain.

 

[standswithcourage]

Yes - I agree. This weekend we will go to Charleston SC for my hubbys umpire thing - my easy child will not go - he has to work 5-11 friday night and 12-5 saturday - I hope my difficult child doesnt stop by - we have already told him we were going to be gone - we never know when he will show up - I dont want my easy child to have to worry about that - my daughter said he could stay with them if he wanted to - just another something to be concerned about - also we will put our lawn mower in the house I guess - I will call the police and have them prowl the area while we are gone - I dont want my husband to be disappointed that I am always so concerned about everything - then he says "Well you dont have to go" and that just makes me feel worse!

 

[witzend]

It seems like maybe what you need, Susan, is to bear in mind that only you get to decide what you like and dislike, contemplate what it is that is going to make you happy and then find a way to do that. I suggest that you talk to your therapist about that.

You need to remember that just as you can't choose what will make your son happy, he can't choose what will make you happy either. You are the key to your own happiness.

Let it go, Susan. Set yourself free.

 

[everywoman]

Susan, tough love is tough. It's meant to be that way so that you let your difficult child face the consequences of his own choices. No mother wants her child to live the way some of our difficult child's have lived or are living. No human wants to see another in such dire straights. However, when someone is addicted to drugs, they don't care.

My difficult child had no conscience at all when he was using. He didn't care how much he hurt us or how much he hurt himself. He didn't see that he was ruining his life. He didn't care about anything but drugs. He would lie, steal, cheat, and it didn't matter who he did those things to as long as he got what he was after---another high.

You have done everything any mother could do to save her son. It is not up to you anymore. Your son will change his life when he gets sick and tired of being sick and tired. Anything you do to "aid" him---buying him food, making sure he has clothes, taking him to the dr., picking him up when he calls will just prolong him getting to his bottom. I know you think he is there---he is not there yet, or he would have gone for help.

Let him reach bottom before the drugs kill him. Let him go hungry. Let him experience withdrawal---I know for my husband the pain and anguish of withdrawal is enough to help keep him from wanting to use.

Let him suffer a little bit of discomfort. The discomfort won't kill him. Living in a trailer without lights won't kill him. Not getting a taco won't kill him. If you continue to enable in any way that makes life comfortable for him, you may as well hand him the drugs to use.

 

[witzend]

If you continue to enable in any way that makes life comfortable for him, you may as well hand him the drugs to use.

Amen. And...

If you continue to try to figure out how to help him quit using, he'll wait for you to figure it out. And wait to stop using until you figure it out for him. Sadly, it doesn't work that way.

 

[trinityroyal]

Susan, I want to reiterate EVERYTHING that Witz has just said.

I have not been replying to your posts over the last few months, because I had been terribly frustrated when you seemed to be stuck in a codependent rut, but didn`t want to add to your pain by posting negative thoughts. I have been so pleased and so proud of you lately, to see that you`ve been taking so many steps in the right direction, breaking free of that cycle.

It IS hard, it`s extremely hard. One of the reasons they call it Tough Love. In so many ways I think it`s harder on the parents than on the children. We`re the ones who see the wasted potential, all the things they could be, do or have in their lives if they could only get their act together.

Thing is, your difficult child will NOT get his act together as long as you`re there for him to run to. And he will continue to treat you like dirt on the bottom of his shoe, as long as you make yourself available to him.

Last time you tried to help him, he literally threw your help back in your face. When you feel yourself wanting to rush in and rescue, just remember that the last time you did so, he threw it back at you, and you vowed not to put yourself in that position again.

Your son won`t respect you until you demonstrate that you respect yourself. You can`t change him and you can`t help him. All you can do is change how you react to him. Which might motivate him to change how he behaves. But even if it doesn`t, that`s not your problem, it`s his.

Given how enmeshed you are with your difficult child it`s probably best for you to break all contact with him for a while, until you feel more grounded and more centred in your detachment. Refuse to hear updates. Don`t answer the phone. Ask your other family members not to tell you anything they hear about him. Just literally put him out of your mind for a while. I really believe that it`s your only choice in setting yourself free.

Trinity

 

[Steely]

Stands...............

I just read this whole post - and there is so much wisdom in it from others.
I know you will take each and every comment, and apply it to your life.

It seems, you are truly, finally grasping tough love. And what a difficult journey it is.

The one comment from your post that someone made in regards to dysfunction really resonated for me -
*Become competitive with your Higher Power as the source of wisdom and light in the lives of those whom you are so desperately trying to control, fix and change.
I do this all of the time, and it makes me sick. Literally.

Hugs and peace.
Steely

 

[Nomad]

It is confusing for me where my place is in all of this at times. husband and I have been going to FA mtgs. and the stories are almost entirely of kids on drugs and the behaviors can be really dysfunctional. Our situation is different...yet there are threads of similarity. We have listened time and time again to parents tell of having to simply stop the enabling. Most, just simply cut the child off and told the child not to re-enter their lives until they were in a better place. Some, simply told the child that they would provide medical care for them if they asked for it (including psychological care), but that would be all. I've heard several stories where this was the catalyst for change. A group like FA might be helpfull for you. Or Al Anon. Find a group where you can meet others that will provide real support. Detaching from our adult children who are behaving inappropriately is freeing for our souls and provides a glimmer of hope for them to make better choices. It is a win win. Just isn't easy. Re direct yourself ... find things to do that you enjoy. Your son knows you love him. Perhaps you will always be willing and able to provide medical assistance. You should not be willing to continue in emotional distress...it is not a good thing. Please get to a meeting...see a therapist....if you are not contiuing to do so. Find things to distract you. You seem to have a supportive spouse. Have him help you. ENJOY your relationship with him. Tell them of your plans and your need for his strength. Your son needs to step up to the plate. He needs to do this WITHOUT you. It is the only way. You need to do something different...you'll feel better. You might google the Serenity Prayer and post it around your home. Also...another item from the AA groups is called "Letting Go." There is also one called "Letting Grow..." starts off as such: "Letting grow is allowing others to have a bad experience so that they can grow from it." It ends with "Letting grow is a loving decision, to be made thousands of times over...willl never be finished."

Also...re read these posts. How blessed you are to receive so much wisdom....the one by Steely really caught my eye.
http://www.community4me.com/LETGO.html

 

[witzend]

OK, Susan. I can feel it. Today you are getting ready for your weekend and you are ready to live your life for you and your husband. These feelings of helplessness and worry are going to ease and you are going to make strides forward with living your own life. How about you start a new thread that reflects that?

 

[Suz]

This is a great time to lock this thread and move on. Thanks, Witz!

Suz