Hello to you all,
You can imagine how relieved I am to find this site! What an amazing resource.
We are having some issues with my son, particularly at his day care. He has impulse control problems that lead him to poke, push, hit and call names. His teachers say that he does not harm the other kids, and that he is just beyond what is "normal" at 3.5 years. but they - and we - are concerned that he is going to get a reputation as a bully and that this will become a self-fulfilling prophecy, if you know what I mean.
Here is a summary of his life: He is 3, will turn 4 in October. He is our only child. He does not watch TV. He has a good and varied diet, but has severe food allergies (including egg, dairy, nuts and peanuts, though he is close to outgrowing the egg and dairy allergies). I am told he is very bright, and he seems so to me, though since he is my only child, I have little context. He does have a great vocabulary, and is pretty good with counting, etc. He engages socially with other kids and has a best friend at school, as well as other friends he talks about regularly. He is MUCH happier outside, so much so that we go out in all weather when we are at home. The kid just has to have time outside. He loves music, has a great sense of rhythm and loves to sing and "play concerts." As an only child he does get things his own way a lot, but he does have boundaries at home, and transitions well (I know you want to stay home and play, but we have to go grocery shopping now.). My husband and I have a loving, healthy marriage and our home is largely a very peaceful place. My son has never been hit by an adult, and has never seen an adult hit another adult. We don't even raise our voices at each other, though once or twice I have been reduced to shouting at my son (embarrassed).
The problem is that my son lashes out at other kids. Sometimes it's retribution (she pushed me so I kicked her) or preemptively defensive (he [a big kid] was going to take my toy). But sometimes it seems to have no rhyme or reason (detouring to push a kid when he is crossing the play yard). He also has a "chameleon" sort of personality - when his best friend gets wild - he follows along, even though he knows he shouldn't. He also gets upset when another kid is crying - by which I mean he does not like the sound of it, and may try to hit the crying child). Sometimes he does not like loud noises - though god knows he loves the loud noises he makes himself (e.g., drumming on my pots and pans).
Our day care is being quite progressive about this. They have met with us and are trying to develop a developmental plan to help him. I can tell they are trying, but are honestly a bit stymied because they don't know what is causing the behavior. They have recommended we engage a consultant to observe him at school and give them recommendations. Apparently they use this somewhat routinely, with good results (e.g, recently with another child who was biting).
Initially, I balked at the thought of the consultant, but I think that reaction was defensive on my own part - "I don't need somebody to tell me what I've done wrong as a parent." I am past this - goodness knows I'd love some input from somebody who could help. But I am nervous about the consultant because I don't want to have somebody come in and feel they haven't earned their fee unless they diagnose a "syndrome" or recommend some medication. I am hoping that folks here can advise me on how to interview potential candidates to identify potential red flags. If there is a medical condition - so be it and we will deal with it appropriately. But I don't want to go down the wrong path because we had a consultant with an agenda. I hope you understand my point.
So thanks very much if you are still reading - and if you can offer any advice. I'd love to ask for comfort, too. But I'm trying to keep myself focused on my son.
You can imagine how relieved I am to find this site! What an amazing resource.
We are having some issues with my son, particularly at his day care. He has impulse control problems that lead him to poke, push, hit and call names. His teachers say that he does not harm the other kids, and that he is just beyond what is "normal" at 3.5 years. but they - and we - are concerned that he is going to get a reputation as a bully and that this will become a self-fulfilling prophecy, if you know what I mean.
Here is a summary of his life: He is 3, will turn 4 in October. He is our only child. He does not watch TV. He has a good and varied diet, but has severe food allergies (including egg, dairy, nuts and peanuts, though he is close to outgrowing the egg and dairy allergies). I am told he is very bright, and he seems so to me, though since he is my only child, I have little context. He does have a great vocabulary, and is pretty good with counting, etc. He engages socially with other kids and has a best friend at school, as well as other friends he talks about regularly. He is MUCH happier outside, so much so that we go out in all weather when we are at home. The kid just has to have time outside. He loves music, has a great sense of rhythm and loves to sing and "play concerts." As an only child he does get things his own way a lot, but he does have boundaries at home, and transitions well (I know you want to stay home and play, but we have to go grocery shopping now.). My husband and I have a loving, healthy marriage and our home is largely a very peaceful place. My son has never been hit by an adult, and has never seen an adult hit another adult. We don't even raise our voices at each other, though once or twice I have been reduced to shouting at my son (embarrassed).
The problem is that my son lashes out at other kids. Sometimes it's retribution (she pushed me so I kicked her) or preemptively defensive (he [a big kid] was going to take my toy). But sometimes it seems to have no rhyme or reason (detouring to push a kid when he is crossing the play yard). He also has a "chameleon" sort of personality - when his best friend gets wild - he follows along, even though he knows he shouldn't. He also gets upset when another kid is crying - by which I mean he does not like the sound of it, and may try to hit the crying child). Sometimes he does not like loud noises - though god knows he loves the loud noises he makes himself (e.g., drumming on my pots and pans).
Our day care is being quite progressive about this. They have met with us and are trying to develop a developmental plan to help him. I can tell they are trying, but are honestly a bit stymied because they don't know what is causing the behavior. They have recommended we engage a consultant to observe him at school and give them recommendations. Apparently they use this somewhat routinely, with good results (e.g, recently with another child who was biting).
Initially, I balked at the thought of the consultant, but I think that reaction was defensive on my own part - "I don't need somebody to tell me what I've done wrong as a parent." I am past this - goodness knows I'd love some input from somebody who could help. But I am nervous about the consultant because I don't want to have somebody come in and feel they haven't earned their fee unless they diagnose a "syndrome" or recommend some medication. I am hoping that folks here can advise me on how to interview potential candidates to identify potential red flags. If there is a medical condition - so be it and we will deal with it appropriately. But I don't want to go down the wrong path because we had a consultant with an agenda. I hope you understand my point.
So thanks very much if you are still reading - and if you can offer any advice. I'd love to ask for comfort, too. But I'm trying to keep myself focused on my son.
