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<blockquote data-quote="mnmcollins" data-source="post: 669580" data-attributes="member: 18647"><p>We did "tough love" with our 20 year old son after Memorial Day weekend. He is 20 and just had been released from a 10 day involuntary commitment to a mental health facility because he had threatened suicide with a shotgun. Before you judge, please let me explain. Before being released from the facility, he was required to have a judicial hearing. Before the hearing and at the hearing, we told the psychiatrist, our son, and the judge that we knew our son and what was best for him better than anyone else because we had known him for over 20 years instead of 10 days or 10 minutes! Therefore, we proposed and were offering to pay for full-time mental health and substance abuse treatment for our son. The judge ruled that he was no longer a threat to himself or others and could return to civilization assuming he make weekly counseling sessions, (although he was suspended from the university because he had pointed the shotgun at his ex girlfriend a week before he was involuntarily committed) Our son said he would go to the dual diagnosis center but then he asked his ex what she knew about those centers (it looks like a palace in Palm Beach!) and because she didn't know enough about it she couldn't recommend it and so he wouldn't go even though I had the plane ticket on hold. So he chose the girl over treatment. We used our power of attorney (which we were smart enough to obtain when he turned 18 because we told him that if you want us to pay for school, you sign!) to cancel his lease while he was in the hospital since it was clearly a bad situation and we were paying for a giant party. We threw out all the alcohol, knives, shotgun shells, ropes, lighters, hookah and drug paraphernalia. We took away the laptop, cellphone, furniture, etc. that we had purchased or was ours. We cancelled his credit card, debit card, and bank account. Everything was restitution for the damages he caused to our truck in an accident he had caused a month prior to the breakdown. We very clearly gave him a choice: treatment or find his own way without a car, money, furniture, apartment, or a job. (We had been asking him to look for a summer job since February.) His girlfriend's family thought we were the devil and sent him a prepaid phone and a gift card. Frankly, he lives in a city and can walk to find jobs and follow up in-person with companies. He could also use the gift card to buy more alcohol and tobacco. Our plan to try and make it unpalatable to be out on his own backfired because her parents meddled and enabled him but he eventually found a job after his girlfriend left the city and returned to her parents house in another state. He adopted a cat. He only calls or texts when he needs something, which is money or a loan. He never calls to ask us how we are doing. But we always say "no" when it comes to money requests because we want him to get professional mental and substance abuse help, not throw money at him and hope that the problem will go away. It was very tough at first not talking to your son and worrying about them but eventually we will have to get to that same point with all of our children anyway. We have to hope that they will fly with what skills they have because we have tried really hard at teaching them our beliefs and given them everything we can. If we didn't, there would't be a need for a site like this in the first place! Each day gets easier and we have to take it day by day. We have gone to the Al-Anon meetings because we find a lot of help and support there We've also been going to NAMI meetings and there is also a subset of those meetings called Wellness Warriors that is facilitated by PEER counselor in our town. If you live near a outpatient or inpatient substance abuse center, maybe they have classes or "group" therapy classes that you can join. The point is that there are a lot of resources available to give you the support to affirm that tough love is a the right answer for you, your other children, and your son. He is old enough to stand on his own two feet. If we can do it for our 20 year old who was just released from a mental institution (we did offer to pay for him to go to longer-term rehab), then you can do it for your son who is twice my sons age.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="mnmcollins, post: 669580, member: 18647"] We did "tough love" with our 20 year old son after Memorial Day weekend. He is 20 and just had been released from a 10 day involuntary commitment to a mental health facility because he had threatened suicide with a shotgun. Before you judge, please let me explain. Before being released from the facility, he was required to have a judicial hearing. Before the hearing and at the hearing, we told the psychiatrist, our son, and the judge that we knew our son and what was best for him better than anyone else because we had known him for over 20 years instead of 10 days or 10 minutes! Therefore, we proposed and were offering to pay for full-time mental health and substance abuse treatment for our son. The judge ruled that he was no longer a threat to himself or others and could return to civilization assuming he make weekly counseling sessions, (although he was suspended from the university because he had pointed the shotgun at his ex girlfriend a week before he was involuntarily committed) Our son said he would go to the dual diagnosis center but then he asked his ex what she knew about those centers (it looks like a palace in Palm Beach!) and because she didn't know enough about it she couldn't recommend it and so he wouldn't go even though I had the plane ticket on hold. So he chose the girl over treatment. We used our power of attorney (which we were smart enough to obtain when he turned 18 because we told him that if you want us to pay for school, you sign!) to cancel his lease while he was in the hospital since it was clearly a bad situation and we were paying for a giant party. We threw out all the alcohol, knives, shotgun shells, ropes, lighters, hookah and drug paraphernalia. We took away the laptop, cellphone, furniture, etc. that we had purchased or was ours. We cancelled his credit card, debit card, and bank account. Everything was restitution for the damages he caused to our truck in an accident he had caused a month prior to the breakdown. We very clearly gave him a choice: treatment or find his own way without a car, money, furniture, apartment, or a job. (We had been asking him to look for a summer job since February.) His girlfriend's family thought we were the devil and sent him a prepaid phone and a gift card. Frankly, he lives in a city and can walk to find jobs and follow up in-person with companies. He could also use the gift card to buy more alcohol and tobacco. Our plan to try and make it unpalatable to be out on his own backfired because her parents meddled and enabled him but he eventually found a job after his girlfriend left the city and returned to her parents house in another state. He adopted a cat. He only calls or texts when he needs something, which is money or a loan. He never calls to ask us how we are doing. But we always say "no" when it comes to money requests because we want him to get professional mental and substance abuse help, not throw money at him and hope that the problem will go away. It was very tough at first not talking to your son and worrying about them but eventually we will have to get to that same point with all of our children anyway. We have to hope that they will fly with what skills they have because we have tried really hard at teaching them our beliefs and given them everything we can. If we didn't, there would't be a need for a site like this in the first place! Each day gets easier and we have to take it day by day. We have gone to the Al-Anon meetings because we find a lot of help and support there We've also been going to NAMI meetings and there is also a subset of those meetings called Wellness Warriors that is facilitated by PEER counselor in our town. If you live near a outpatient or inpatient substance abuse center, maybe they have classes or "group" therapy classes that you can join. The point is that there are a lot of resources available to give you the support to affirm that tough love is a the right answer for you, your other children, and your son. He is old enough to stand on his own two feet. If we can do it for our 20 year old who was just released from a mental institution (we did offer to pay for him to go to longer-term rehab), then you can do it for your son who is twice my sons age. [/QUOTE]
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