Alone and the saga goes on and on...when I thought there was hope

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Lost in sadness, Nov 3, 2017.

  1. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    So, things were good. Not 100% but 100% better. That was my saying. Right now I am feeling really alone. My husband and I cannot seem to stop niggling at each other and I have noticed that he no longer asks me about my son or shows any interest in discussing him. I kind of get it but it equally makes me angry. I do not expect him to agree with me but I do expect him to still listen.

    The situation is this....My son has held down his job for 4months and is now in another house share after leaving the homeless hostel. This is progress. BUT there are still issues! He has had a few run ins in his house share such as being noisy and having his girlfriend over too many nights. He has now been warned. On Saturday morning I receive a message from a friend he works with to say my son had been arrested the night before and had not gone to work on the Saturday. He was worried because my son was on a final warning at work (this I did not know). It turns out that my son drunk too much alcohol, got into an altercation with someone that almost poked his eye out. In anger he smashes a taxi drivers window and gets arrested for criminal damage. He now has a court date for this so will now mean a criminal record!! I was already cross at him for blowing his whole monthly wage on a playstation, a holiday and expensive aftershave and did not stick to the deal of paying back what he owes us. I have also had to cover his rent. He told me he smoothed it over at work and that he will take the playstation back.

    Today, he asks if I can pay his rent and he will pay me back when he returns his playstation. I see he is trying to sell this privately which means the shop will not take this back which is not what he has told me. He has now also sent me formal paperwork from his job where is will be going to a big meeting to discuss whether his employment will be terminated due to constant lateness! The lateness he is blaming on late taxi drivers. What!!?? he is getting taxis to work rather than using his bike but yet has no money for rent! I am furious and also really suffering with anxiety over this. I want to help him as I don't want him back to square one and he is in a better place but seriously when does it end? What do I do? Do I pay the rent to minimise the problems and allow me to sleep at night or do I make him sort this stuff out? I just feel sick he will lose his job when he was doing so well. It appears he manages to sort himself out but then drifts back to old ways. He cannot seem to sustain anything and I feel so alone with it all. :( :(
     
  2. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Lost

    So sorry you feeling helpless again. We all have been there.

    It sounds like your son has a drinking problem. If you keep rescuing him from HIM, he will continue to follow the same pattern. Your helping will only prolong the inevitable.

    Our son also would do well for three months or so at a time and accomplish some things and then BAM right back to where he started. He'd get high and then lose the job, the college class, you name it.

    This was a cycle for him (us) that went on for six years until we said no more.

    If he chooses to drink alcohol, not be responsible at his job or his apartment, how can YOU fix it? How can YOU fix him?

    A lot of it has to do with immaturity but in reality THAT in itself is no excuse.

    You know what you need to do I think. It is tough stuff but as everyone on here has taught me that my son need to adult and stop relying on his parents to clean up his messes.

    If your husband has tuned you out, perhaps you can see a therapist or go to a group meeting to get support for yourself. You matter too. My therapist helped me create firm but loving boundaries and I think in the end it is helping our son too.

    Good luck.
     
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Until your son stops drinking and breaking the law, the only thing you will accomplish by paying his rent is having less money. He is really not better. He has moved on to criminal actvities. How is that doimg better?

    If you dont change your response to him, he knows it is okay to screw up...you will rescue him. Dont do it or you will rinse/repeat until you stop being his savior. Only he can save himself. He is capable of it if he wants to and has to.
     
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  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    It is time for you to start attending AlAnon Family Meetings. Your son has a problem with alcohol. Even if he is not an alcoholic, AlAnon will help give you perspective. If you are not comfortable with that, a private therapist might be helpful but be sure she has training in substance abuse. If she tells you to be responsible for your son, go find another therapist. You also should read Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie.

    It is time to let your son deal with the consequences of his actions. Both in his hostel and in his job and his criminal case. I can say my parents would never have interfered in my job or helped me with it. I worked at a job from age 14 on. If he isn't in school, and cannot keep a job, his rent is his problem. Especially if he can buy expensive things like fancy aftershave and playstations. This is time for him to learn about wants and needs. If you keep stepping in and paying his rent, how will he ever learn that life is unpleasant if he buys a playstation and cannot pay his rent? What lesson will he learn if you pay his rent? He will learn that Mom will yammer at him about responsibility but she won't actually make him be responsible. Then the next month he will go and do the same thing again. And the month after that.

    Until he feels the natural and logical consequences of his actions, he won't EVER begin to change his ways. Not EVER. It is NOT being mean or hard hearted. It is being an effective parent. As the parent of an infant who needed to learn to crawl, you put him down on the floor and put his toys out of reach. Then you waited until he figured out how to get over to them. You did NOT move the toys to him, you let him move to them. NOw you are the parent of an adult child who is not acting like an adult. It is time to make him uncomfortable. If he knows you won't step in and he has to come up with rent, he can pawn that playstation and make his rent. He can pawn other possessions to make his rent. If it is that or being homeless with nowhere to play the playstation, I wonder which he would choose? Make sure that he cannot come back home to live with you. You do NOT want that to be an option he chooses. He can find a shelter somehwere. It will be nasty and he will hate it, but you provided better and he squandered them. He could keep them if he chose. This isn't an uncommon thing for young adults to do, but most parents don't rescue the kids,. I don't think.

    As for the criminal charges, those were his choice. He chose to get too drunk and to not control himself. he will never pay you back for what he owes you. If you get him out of these charges, he will get more. Sometimes seeing the legal system is enough of a shock to help set kids on the right road. Sometimes it doesn't make a dent. I say since they are adults, they should have to deal with the court. You can go to court dates as moral support, but you shouldn't interfere. Usually there are diversion programs and alcohol abuse programs and such that the court will offer for first time offenders. It isn't hopeless. Maybe this will be the wakeup call he needs. He was grownup enough to get drunk and act the fool and damage the taxi driver's sole source of supporting his family. He needs to be grown enough to go and deal with the consequences.

    I know maybe I sound hard. I have seen so many parents come through here with younger adult children and those children just never seem to wake up as long as the parents are bailing them out and paying for the children's mistakes. The children never even seem to appreciate it. I hate that, it wastes so many years of their lives, all of their lives!
     
  5. Nessie

    Nessie Member

    Susiestar I completely agree with everything you have written. If only it were so easy to put into practice.

    I’m sorry Lost in Sadness, your post is very similar to my story.
     
  6. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    Hi All

    Thank you all so much for the time and effort you have put into your replies. I am grateful and it gave me the strength to do what I must. I never paid the rent. I don't know if he has, I have not heard anything from the landlady. I can see on his email that he has taken out a bank overdraft and never took back the playstation that he promised to. I guess that is his choice and I won't say that I know what he has done. I know it is not right to bail him out, I just don't want to see him back to where he was and selfishly I know that is because that situation will effect my mental health and life. My husband and I went out for a meal and talked. It was nice. We seem to have reconnected a little bit again. Such a battle. One I know only he can fight. Hugs to you all! xx
     
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