Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by GRITSNak, Apr 17, 2012.

  1. GRITSNak

    GRITSNak New Member

    I am a single mom but I am married. My husband is ex-military and his current job requires him to be out of town 2-3 weeks out of the month. He is a good provider and a wonderful dad. I am alone though! I have a 19 year old son who torments me and I am at wits end. When my husband is away, my son does all he can do to make my life miserable. He doesn't go to school or work....he "hangs out" with his friends. My house has been broken medicine has been stolen and my life is no longer mine! I never sleep because he is blasting a tv or the phone is ringing or he is yelling at the dogs....its always something. He smokes pot and spice and is headed nowhere in life but to jail.
    My husband has a stressful job and safety is my concern, so do I tell him everything that goes on or do I deal with it? I am falling apart and my son enjoys watching me deteriorate emotionally, mentally and physically.
    I kicked him out and he somehow comes back home. I changed the locks and my husband gave him a key!!!! I cry and do not like my child. The guilt I have for feeling this way is an added stress for me. Solution...kick him and husband out and let husband realize what I have been going through or stress husband out on job and risk his life due to an accident caused by carelessness from stress. Alone in Alaska...depressed and ready to hop on a plane and go wherever with no return.
    I just needed to vent and hope someone hears me because noone hears me in this house!
  2. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    Your life is your own. No matter what.

    Your son is taking advantage of you in a big way. Right now, he's in control and it's time for you to set some boundaries.

    Since he's 19, I assume he's a high school graduate. He should either be working full time, be in school full time and doing a part time version of both. Set a deadline and tell him he will either have a job by said date or be enrolled in (and paying for) school by that date. If he does not get a job and is not in school, he will have to make other living arrangements. Talk to your husband in advance and ask him to back you up on this.

    Once your son is working, he should be paying rent.

    When my difficult child walked away from college and moved in with me (I am a single mom), I would wake her five days a week at 9:00 and put her to work around he house. I made sure there was always a project... spreading mulch (8 yards of mulch equals HARD work), painting, mowing the grass, etc. I gave her "time off" when she would leave to look for work but, otherwise, I expected her to work since she wasn't paying rent.

    Let your son know that there is a time when the music and tv have to be turned off. If he was in an apartment, he would have to do this ...why should he not have to do it at home?

    Once you begin to establish boundaries, you'll feel a lot better about your life.

  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi Grits. I am am so sorry you are stuck alone in such a remote area with a pain in the rear young adult he child. He is one of those adult kids who seem to want to be stuck somewhere between adulthood and childhood and refuse to grow up because he feels he has you over the proverbial barrel. Not sure what the age is in Alaska for booting a kid out but I feel your pain because your husband isnt on your same page.

    I dont think you should burden your husband while he is on a dangerous mission. I think you need to take care of things alone because you dont want something to happen to your hubby. It wont be easy. Best thing would be if you could get son to move away, far away.

    Is there anyway you can motivate your son to get a job? Take away everything that he wants in the house that would entice him to stay. No TV in living room, no internet for the whole house, keep no snack foods available to him, take away all video games, dont let him use your car, take away his cell phone if its on your plan. You get the idea. Make it miserable for him to be at home. You can make it so that everything is in your room only. That hopefully will make it less desirable for him to be there.

    As far as him stealing your medicines? Well many of us have been through that and we have had to resort to buying a safe and putting them in that safe while they are in the home. Or putting deadbolts on the bedroom doors and walking around with a set of keys around our necks constantly. That couldnt work for me though because I lived in a trailer and the doors were too thin to hold a deadbolt. I opted for the safe and deadbolted it to a shelf so it couldnt be removed. Mine was a combination safe so I didnt have to worry about a key. I got mine at walmart for about 65 bucks 7 years ago. The good news is I dont need it now.
  4. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Hi and welcome. You are in a tough position but your husband has a right to know your son is in trouble and you have a right to husband's help. I understand your concern for hubby and don't pretend to know that fear. Still it is his son too and he can't be supportive of you if he does not have all of the info,right? If you have told him and he ignores you then you have big decisions to make. Others here have had to find out what the laws are to legally evict your child. It is time for him to move on. Do you have support groups for parents of kids who abuse drugs? Others here who know more about this can recommended what groups may help you. You will meet many here who can relate. You are for sure NOT alone here.
  5. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    There is a big difference if the husband is in the military in combat or what I am assuming her husband is doing and is in a dangerous job where his life could be at stake if he lets his mind wander because he is worried about life at home. I tend to think I may know what he may be doing if he is ex military.

    My stance has always been with husband's in combat that you do not burden them with what goes on at home. They have enough stress just being shot at daily without worrying that all isnt well on the home front. In fact, that is exactly what the military tells the families. Thats why Jamie wasnt sent to Iraq when he was recalled from inactive duty. I was in the hospital with meningitis and my prognosis was not good and the Marines didnt think he would have his entire mind on being in Iraq considering the doctors said I may not be anything but a vegetable. They gave him a discharge right then and there.
  6. keista

    keista New Member

    ((((HUGS)))) I'm a bit confused and befuddled. Are you saying that husband has NO CLUE what's going on or that you just don't call husband on a daily basis to vent? husband should ABSOLUTELY know shat is going on with his wife and his son while he is gone. Does he need daily updates? No. But you should fill him in when he does come home. Of course he gave your son a new key! Why wouldn't he if he doesn't know what's going on?

    I suggest next time husband comes home, you two sit down and create rules and expectations for your son.
  7. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Thanks Keista, that is said much better than I said it, that is what I was thinking too...not the daily worries but for sure he should know what is going on with his family.
  8. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    I meant to sound more supportive than I came across ...

    I know what you are dealing with is difficult. What you will find here are a grpup of warrier parents who have seen it all. When I said your life is your own, I meant that you can feel less alone and be in control.
  9. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Hi Grits -

    First of all I want you to know that you are NOT alone. I would LOVE to come live in Alaska. It's a dream I think. I've already had the immaginable, unmanageable child from pergatory, and his father ---Satan. We divorced long ago, and I managed to get a very wonderful DF (fiance) that at first was in the "Oh all he needs is a firm hand" category, and quickly moved into the "HOLY Father I understand now why you call his Father Satan - this is insane." However he stuck it out for the long haul, went to counseling with me, with "Dude" (what I call my son, now 21, not graduated, not working currently, tried booze, and I'm sure tried drugs and is soon to be a Father - which is a good thing)

    Secondly I want to inform you that you have RIGHTS. You have a right to feel safe in your own home - whether it's your son, or a bum from the streets. You pay the bills, you have a right to put a bar of soap down on the counter and say "do not touch that' and leave and have it be there when you return......untouched. You have a right to peace and quiet in your home. You have a right to have your rules FOLLOWED by a CHILD that is LIVING rent free, utility free, food free, gas free, bed free, laundry free - lawn maintenance free, garbage service free, home phone service free, internet service free, heat and air free -----and my list is endless for the things that YOU provide for him that you do not have to - but do. Why? I dunno - WHY do you treat someone to these LUXURIES when they treat you like poopie? Question you really need to ask yourself and get angry about at this point.

    You have a 19 year old man living in your house, causing havoc, stress disobeying, stealing, and treating your home like it was a fight club warehouse - and you ----STAND UP AND SAY OH HECK NO???? and stick to it? Or do you say "I want to run away?" It's definitely NOT that any of us want to CAVE into these kids - we just feel like we have NO control over them - or have LOST control or when we TRY to regain control they turn around and look at us (because now they run in packs) and act like "LADY YOU ARE NUTS if you think y ou are going to say one word to me about how to live, behave and what to do with MYYYYYYYYY LIFE in YOUR house? Yeah get bent." and at that point? I'm off to my room or screaming , or was punching holes in the walls to keep from hitting him and his smart mouth. (visions of homer and bart simpson ran through my head at times) but -----it can be done. It's just not easy.

    Since you are isolated? I have two suggestions. Police or therapy or both. My first call would be to a locksmith. I don't know if I want to debat the husband thing here - but since he's off fighting or not fighting or serving? I mean really - he's not much help to you 1000s of miles away so for now - you really are on your own. Get some things done without him interfering. Sorry it's just how I feel. Last time you changed the locks he handed him a key - felt sorry, got conned - WHUT EVER......he's not here now - and you can make some changes. They do NOT have to include him because you need him to have his mind on his work, and you'll tell him later when things are worked out.

    So I'd call a locksmith. get the locks changed. NO KEY to son. Then I'd tell mr. 19 and loud and proud - YOU HAVE XX weeks, days months to GET a place of your own - WHERE? NOT MY BUSNIESS like everything else in your life. NO need for further communication - smart comments like - GO smoke your dope where you want - or go have someone else support you - REMEMBER HERE - you . ARE. done. YOu don't care. He's treated you badly and until he treats you NICELY for a LONG LONG time - and shows respect - HE does NOT deserve to talk to you or even hear your breath - YOU are that good, that special and that awesome of a MOM that you are going to overlook your heartache in this situation - and THROW OUT YOUR SON.
    Don't tell him the locks have been changed - Just say - ON April 30 - YOU must be out - and NO further words - end of subject. Hand him a written eviction notice - get it notarized locally and make a report if you feel your son will be violent with local magistrates office. Give them a copy of the eviction. I don't know AK law - but if you can get him to leave? Do it. If not? Then formally file for eviction. Get a date, and lock up or move your valuables - he will be after that.

    ON april 30th - If he's there? Call the police - If he's not - and it's legal - PUT HIS STUFF OUTSIDE, and call him. Tell him his stuff is on the lawn. Porch - whatever - NOT the garage.

    Tell him he's not allowed back without a call to you.......
    Tell him he's not allowed back without stopping smoking pot or not carrying it on him in your home.
    Tell him he's not allowed NEAR you ever if he will raise his voice, be vocal, verball abusive - or you will have him shown off the property
    and if you need them? Call the local police and file a report

    If he shows up you're not there? Have neighbors call the police and report him trespassing. Tell your neighbors you are now alone - NO ONE but you should be there if they see anyone call 911. and give them a cell number or work number.

    Check your locks on your windows, and give him a certain time to get the rest of his things out -or they go to the town dump or thrift store. PERIOD.

    When you are DONE fooling with someone - you dont stand there and say "BOY I"am DONE fooling with you." You walk away - and that's it. NO calls, no emails, no talking....and the message is crystal. You treated me like dirt, and I'm worth MORE. You want to come talk to me? FINE. It's on MY terms. No yelling, no ugly words - I'm your mother - you know what I do and Don't tolerate - I raised you and I was a good Mom - and NOW I'm goign to thearapy - and I see how good of a Mom I really was and you should be ashamed."

    If you ever want him to stand on his own two feet? You have to stand him on them and stop supporting him.

    Hope this helps - and just know you're not alone.
  10. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    A child caan be emancipated as young as 16 in alaska if certain reqquirements are met. Otherwise it is 18 as far as I can see.

    Often when a child reaches legal adult age THEY THINK THAT PARENTS CANNOT TELL THEM WHAT TO DO. That may be true but a parent still has many options when an adult child is living under their roof and being supported by them. Of course these options are easier if both parents are on the same page which is hard enough when there are good open communication lines between the parents. When this is not the case it can be hard to impossible.

    Maybe if you can video tape your son being horrid to you and show it to your husband you can make him understand why son needs to move out and locks should be changed. You do have options, albeit hard ones. You say he is headed to jail. You could speed things up and call the police the next time he steals from you or uses pot or other illegal substances in your home. It is a hard concept for a parent to wrap their head around but many of us here have had to do just that. -RM
  11. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Welcome :)

    I haven't read the other responses.

    But you're certainly NOT alone. And I'd sit my husband down and have a heart to heart over son. husband can't know where you're coming from if he has no clue what is really going on in the home when he's not there. It may or may not change things.......but it would at least bring him up to speed. (it might take it a bit for him to get to the point where you are because it would be "new" to him)

    Sounds to me if your son can't follow house rules, whether dad is home or not, then son needs to move out and learn to take care of himself. In other words, grow up and learn to deal with the real world.

  12. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    Been there too, it is extremely stressful! I was a single parent and the deadbeat dad made things far worse. Different situation than yours, but just as stressful. It seemed it did not matter where I hid my valuables my son and his 'friends' would find them.

    I was fortunate that he moved out, they still stole from me while I was at work, then I was transferred about 20 miles away and things were much better. I also dreamed of just moving with no forwarding address!

    It is possible that your son is playing his dad, so dad really doesn't understand the entire situation. My son always worked but spent it just as fast as he earned it.

    At this point he was recently in an abusive relationship and she is now in jail for trying to kill him with a knife. OMG, I hate the drama that always surrounds him! My saving grace is there are no children involved, it's painful enough without that element added to the situation. My son just doesn't learn from his mistakes and he is still self centered and immature and chooses girl friends just like him. I do not get involved in his relationships and that totally p***** this one off! I had to call the police to stop the harrassment, thank goodness we live in a different state.

    Are you a domestic engineer?? do you have hobbies?? do you exercise?? can you detach?? look out for yourself!
  13. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest


    You have come to the right place... many of us understand exactly what you are going through with your son. I agree with others that your son needs to be out of the house... you need to have the peace in your own home. I think if your husband is not home then he needs to let you make the decisions about your son... and if you need to tell him what is going on for him to do that then tell him. No way should he give your son a key without your ok.

    You might also want to check out the substance abuse forum... many of us there have young adults who also have drug problems... which it sounds like your son has if he is smoking a lot of pot and spice. I don't know if your son has always behaved this way but the drug use makes that type of behavior much worse in my opinion.... and the only way to really help them with the drug issues is not to let them take advantage of you so they can continue to freeload and use drugs. A hard hard road I know.

  14. GRITSNak

    GRITSNak New Member

    Thanks everyone for the words of encouragement and advice.
    My husband is aware of whats going on but says that if I kick him out then we are kicking him straight to the people we do not want him to be with. He just doesnt seem to get it that my life is total hell because of one person! My house is always messy, his friends eat my food, they steal from me and I am just really disgusted with my son. Disappointed is a better word. I expected more from him because he was always a real go getter.....then drugs happened and our world fell apart. We will get through this and I will never give up on him. I will not tolerate hs behavior any more but I am here for him and the prayers never stop. I just hope my prayers are answered before its too late.
  15. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Do you have any support system? It certainly makes sense that you would be at the end of your rope trying to deal with this alone. I'm sorry.

    I have raised step teens and "my" teens. I don't know how many years you have been married but my husband and I did find that "my" teen son did not see my husband as "Dad" and therefore was simply polite and saved all the grief for me. Thankfully his s.a. was fairly short lived and he ended up fine BUT it was definitely me and only me who had to make the choices and take the lead. I share this because the relationship you and your husband have could indicate you are "it". Somebody has to be "it". It's not an easy job and especially if you have to do it alone. Hugs.

    Personally it sounds like your son and his "friends" are totally disrespecting your role as head of household. From your description I picture them ignoring you as they eat your food, break into your house, ignore all rules and act as though they are masters of the household. I don't know how you got the locks all changed last time with success. Did someone help you? Did your husband know in advance? Did your son know in advance? Sharing your previously experience might help us brainstorm with you. I totally disagree with others who believe you should just live with it until your husband returns home. I think you should DO IT...whatever you are comfortable doing...and leave husband out of it.
    No further abuse should be allowed and I "read" you as being an abuse victim.

    PS: Before I sign off I need to tell you that I quit smoking over a month ago and I am still feeling feisty and irritable.
    So...if I sound like a shrew, lol, I'm basically a good guy going through extended withdrawal from nicotene. DDD
  16. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    The other have good advice. in my humble opinion your husband needs to know what is going on overall but not everyday. Let me clarify. You have GOT to sit husband down and tell him whati s going on and how you feel and that he is going to have to choose to either support you OR give sonny boy a key but he can't have both. He needs to know what sonny boy does to you and why you don't want him around or feel safe in your own home. Most military men I know, even ones who have been discharged, would not tolerate someone making their wife feel the way you do, and sure as sugar would not tolerate the abuser enjoying making their wife feel that way! Once they grasped the actual problem, the solution should be that he supports whatever you choose to do.

    but husband doesn't need to be called every day to be told all the gory details.

    lady, you need therapy. you need a therapist to help you handle all that you are feeling and to help you figure out why you have so far tolerated the abuse and not done what you need to do to kick hm out. yes, AK (sorry if the capitalization is off, my shift key is not working properly/consistently) is super cold, but he won't be on the street. He will couch surf for quite a while. this is domestic violence that you are enduring, and you NeED to speak to a dv counselor for some real help. it is usually free, so that should be helpful.

    your son is using drugs in your home. Those drugs are illegal. He is also abusive to you. Does he hit you or push you or bump you whne you tell him to quiet down so you can sleep? you can just call the cops, ask them to search for drugs, esp if difficult child is high - they can arrest him on the spot for being high, search for drugs and charge him with that, and also charge him with DV and give you a restraining order. your husband can't give hm a key if the law says he can't be on the property, but YOU must first step up and get the law involved. ONLY do this if you will follow throuh and press charges though. otherwise your son just learns to disrespect you and the law further.

    it is time to talk to husband and take action with sonnyboy. sb needs to go fend for himself or go to jail for the drugs. if you want your son off drugs, you are going to have to kick him out and make him stay out - this means communicating to your husband clearly about what you need and that he needs to choose iether you and home or son, and you need the law involved to make sure your son is gone and doesn't come back to hurt you.

    i am sorry you are hurting so much. i know how hard it is to have your child enjoy seeing you fall apart and your husband be clueless and unwilling to really see what is going on. been there done that and finally my husband was told to stand by me or go elsewhere with our child. by that time i was afraid that someone was going to be seriously hurt or killed if my son stayed in our home. still took my husband several years to really understand that someone was going to be killed or seriously hurt if our son stayed in our home, but he did stand beside me as I told a judge that my child couldn't come home (Wiz was 14 when this happened, but keeping him here meant someone was going to end up dead.)
  17. keista

    keista New Member

    GRITSNak, Sorry to be so blunt, but your husband is an ostrich, and DDD is right, if he won't (or can't) back you up, you are it and you need to do whatever it is you need to do. The hard part will bee keeping husband from undoing it when he get home. in my opinion Kinda ridiculous to change the locks every month.

    I just about fell off my chair when I read that husband's logic was if you kick difficult child out, you're just kicking him straight to the ppl you don't want him to be with. Hmmmmmmmmmmm Is husband getting the fact that now the ppl you don't want difficult child to be with are coming into your home stealing your stuff? Does husband get that you are in physical danger for weeks at a time while he's gone? You need to do what you need to do to protect your stuff and yourself, and husband has to back you up when he's home. It's utterly unfair for him to set up potentially dangerous and certainly undesirable situations and then leave you with them for weeks at a time.

    Analogy time. (This ones pretty lame but I think illustrates the point very well) Lets say you and husband decide to go an buy a new piece of furniture. Something that's used every day like a couch or bed or chest of drawers. He finds one he loves, but you hate it. Not dislike, but HATE, HATE, HATE. You get nauseous looking at the thing. Is he going to insist you get it it, knowing that YOU have to see it EVERY DAY, and he only gets to enjoy it one week per month?
  18. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Your husband is playing devils advocate. And he's still trying to be "the GOOD parent". Wow. WOW - Talk about hand a child a ticket to divide and conquer.

    GOSH - if he IS living at home stealing, taking your food, and getting high, and being disrespectful - and you throw him out? What exactly IS it that your husband is afraid you'r son will run right towards? Disrespectful thieves and drug addicts? ? I believe his logic is as backwards as his advice.
  19. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    I have an ostrich for an X, so I know what it is like to have things undone buy a clueless, albiet well-meaning, parent. I know it is different because we are divorced, but my difficult child learned very quickly which parent will take her nonsence and which will not. It is her dad that she steals from, her dad's house where she drinks, and her dad who she asks for money. It's taken a long time, and it has been very, very hard, but those boundaries are now in place.

    When he's out of town, you are in charge of your home. He isn't there to step in - whether it is to protect you, to suffer the consequences himself, or to interfere.

    Try taking the follwoing steps to begin to set boundaries to protect yourself:

    1. Get a safe deposit box off premises to secure small valuables. Hide the key (one of my favorite hiding places s in a bible ...she's not likely to look there! or taped to the back of a picture that's hanging on the wall) or give it to a friend or family member.

    2. Buy only the food you and your son will eat ... even if this means going to the store every day. No reason to stock the cupboards for his "friends".

    3. Tell your son that - effective NOW - friends must be out by 11:00 p.m. and cannot be in the house when you are not at home. You are absolutely within your rights to do this.

    4. Proceed as many have suggested with him concerning employment and rent payment.

    Most of us have learned the hard way that it is mighty hard to get control back once it has been relinquished to a difficult child, but it can be done. Start small and take babysteps, but do stay firm and strong.

  20. Star*

    Star* call 911

    I think you should print out what Dash cat wrote and stick it on the refrigerator - have him sign it -

    THAT is excellent advice from a lady that has come out on the brighter side of a long, dark road.