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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 623487" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Is there a chance he DID molest the twins? Molested children are usually afraid to tell anyone it happened. Have you seen him act sexual at all? When I see *sexual abuse* my alarms go off because it is such a trauma if it DID happen and usually the parents and even the psychiatric workers don't know it is happening. Part is shame. Part is fear.</p><p></p><p>Just in case, t is best if he does not live with them or, if he does, that there are cameras in the house, an alarm on his door at night, and he never be alone with them. One thing that happened with the child we adopted was that he molested the younger kids and, think what you like, as soon as we found out he was gone. I could not risk the other kids to try to save the one who was already so far gone. Our family had tons and tons of therapy after that and we never adopted or did foster care again because kids who are neglected early in life can develop attachment disorder, which often includes sexual behavior on other kids. Is it possible HE was sexually abused by one of her boyfriends. That would explain what he did, but it would not make him any safer around other children. Grabbing girl's butts can be normal if done once or twice in a teasing way, even if the girls don't like it, but, having gone through what we did and knowing the makeup of this child, I am thinking he does indeed sexually act out. (sigh) The police will not faze him if he is truly heading toward becoming an adult who is a psychopath. They don't care about other people's laws and rules, sadly. Authority doesn't frighten them.</p><p></p><p>Your oldest stepson sounds like he could be one of the "dangerous kids" that we don't like to acknowledge exist. But anyone who did foster care or adopted an older kid and hangs around with others who have done the same know that kids can become close to the adult version of sociopaths if they are never given stability in their early years. And sadly, although they did not chose their background, they are very hard to help and require a special type of therapy that is not easy to find and is expensive. Love will not be enough. Stability will not be enough. This child will probably pretend to like you only when he wants something from you and he may harm the other kids, if they are around, or any pets you may have (often only when you are NOT AROUND to observe it).</p><p></p><p>I learned the hard way. I can not recommend trying to parent a child without a conscience unless you try to do it without the other children coming with you, as he may have already harmed them (and in my own opinion, which may not be shared by all, it is not worth risking the other children to try to save HIM). You don't know all he may have done when nobody was looking. No matter how you think the other kids would have told on him, that's not true. They become more afraid of him than trusting of you because, in their world, he is their controller. I'd be careful, but, of course, this is your decision and your own journey to take.</p><p></p><p>Although adopted kids have been the ones who have been focused on for attachment disorders, of late children from chaotic divorced homes are starting to get attention too. Babies need stability, to know their needs will be met, one or two primary caregivers who are soothing and kind, and if they have crazy years from infancy to three or thereabouts, they learn very young that they can not trust anyone to take care of their needs thus they get turned off from others...think that THEY need to save #1...and in any way they can. And it is very hard by his age to do much about it.</p><p></p><p>I'm curious and certainly you do not need to answer. Why do you want to take this on? What do you think it will accomplish? Do you believe he will change? What if he gets worse? Do you have a long term plan? Does your husband? He is the only one in your house with any power over the children legally. Think these questions to yourself in your head. Have a plan. Don't go in unprepared. He may end up needing out of home placement. One day CPS may not be lenient on him and if he lies about YOU (say, he tells a teacher you beat him because he's ticked off), they WILL investigate you and can potentially get you into serious trouble.</p><p></p><p>Gentle hugs. You have all of us in your corner, regardless of your decision. But please do your research and make an INFORMED decision, not an emotional one. Take care <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 623487, member: 1550"] Is there a chance he DID molest the twins? Molested children are usually afraid to tell anyone it happened. Have you seen him act sexual at all? When I see *sexual abuse* my alarms go off because it is such a trauma if it DID happen and usually the parents and even the psychiatric workers don't know it is happening. Part is shame. Part is fear. Just in case, t is best if he does not live with them or, if he does, that there are cameras in the house, an alarm on his door at night, and he never be alone with them. One thing that happened with the child we adopted was that he molested the younger kids and, think what you like, as soon as we found out he was gone. I could not risk the other kids to try to save the one who was already so far gone. Our family had tons and tons of therapy after that and we never adopted or did foster care again because kids who are neglected early in life can develop attachment disorder, which often includes sexual behavior on other kids. Is it possible HE was sexually abused by one of her boyfriends. That would explain what he did, but it would not make him any safer around other children. Grabbing girl's butts can be normal if done once or twice in a teasing way, even if the girls don't like it, but, having gone through what we did and knowing the makeup of this child, I am thinking he does indeed sexually act out. (sigh) The police will not faze him if he is truly heading toward becoming an adult who is a psychopath. They don't care about other people's laws and rules, sadly. Authority doesn't frighten them. Your oldest stepson sounds like he could be one of the "dangerous kids" that we don't like to acknowledge exist. But anyone who did foster care or adopted an older kid and hangs around with others who have done the same know that kids can become close to the adult version of sociopaths if they are never given stability in their early years. And sadly, although they did not chose their background, they are very hard to help and require a special type of therapy that is not easy to find and is expensive. Love will not be enough. Stability will not be enough. This child will probably pretend to like you only when he wants something from you and he may harm the other kids, if they are around, or any pets you may have (often only when you are NOT AROUND to observe it). I learned the hard way. I can not recommend trying to parent a child without a conscience unless you try to do it without the other children coming with you, as he may have already harmed them (and in my own opinion, which may not be shared by all, it is not worth risking the other children to try to save HIM). You don't know all he may have done when nobody was looking. No matter how you think the other kids would have told on him, that's not true. They become more afraid of him than trusting of you because, in their world, he is their controller. I'd be careful, but, of course, this is your decision and your own journey to take. Although adopted kids have been the ones who have been focused on for attachment disorders, of late children from chaotic divorced homes are starting to get attention too. Babies need stability, to know their needs will be met, one or two primary caregivers who are soothing and kind, and if they have crazy years from infancy to three or thereabouts, they learn very young that they can not trust anyone to take care of their needs thus they get turned off from others...think that THEY need to save #1...and in any way they can. And it is very hard by his age to do much about it. I'm curious and certainly you do not need to answer. Why do you want to take this on? What do you think it will accomplish? Do you believe he will change? What if he gets worse? Do you have a long term plan? Does your husband? He is the only one in your house with any power over the children legally. Think these questions to yourself in your head. Have a plan. Don't go in unprepared. He may end up needing out of home placement. One day CPS may not be lenient on him and if he lies about YOU (say, he tells a teacher you beat him because he's ticked off), they WILL investigate you and can potentially get you into serious trouble. Gentle hugs. You have all of us in your corner, regardless of your decision. But please do your research and make an INFORMED decision, not an emotional one. Take care :) [/QUOTE]
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