Always wondering....

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Losingmycookies!, Dec 23, 2007.

  1. Losingmycookies!

    Losingmycookies! New Member

    I'm really going through a tough time with blame and guilt over my daughter....Lately I've been re running in my head all the horrible things that have happened...everything I should have done differently. It's so much harder for me sometimes....I have a severe ODD child and one that had exceptional behavior. It makes it so much harder for me and for her...she hates him for it. He has a lot of trouble with dealing with it....he's become a people pleaser. When things are really bad he will go to the extreme to be good and take pressure off, and again it makes her hate him more.

    Anyhow tonight we had a family bowling party....on my fiances side, which will be her step family...and she is having trouble accepting. She was so miserable at the beginning, just sitting there with a sour look. I left her alone, and didn't even talk to her. Eventually to my surprise she opened up and even started dancing to the music, and doing funny bowling moves. My heart just swelled, but the hurtful part was I couldn't show her, because the second I showed interest or happiness she got this horrible look.....But at the end she was talking to me and joking. I was on edge, and trying to be careful. We did leave before my son and fiance, she had enough, and that's fine. As long as she made an effort. I have to be careful not to overwhelm her.

    What is killing me is that I have to totally back off and be stand offish for her to open up....I just want to hug and love her so much. This is slowly killing me....I'm so scared for the future. She is failing grade 8. The things that makes me just livid is when I went to pick up her report....she had all these missing assignments that had zero for a mark, but the things she did they were all about 85% to 100%. How can I help her achieve her gifted ability?????? I feel like it's my fault because I didn't parent her properly....I'm depressed!
  2. NOLA

    NOLA New Member

    I just wanted to say 'hi' - I'm sorry things aren't going better for you & your daughter - don't beat yourself up over the past though (been there done that) and it doesn't seem to help anyone. Try and focus on what you have now and what you can have in the future :smile:

    Next time you are online put in some info regarding your situation as your signature - I'm a little bit confused about the ODD & exceptional behavior, etc.

    Hang in there & have a Merry Christmas...
  3. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Hi and welcome!

    First, you need to get some help for you. It truly is impossible to be an effective parent when you're living with such pain and guilt and, more than likely, depression.

    Part of your daughter's issues are simply her age. Even "good" teenage girls have a tendency to shove their parents, especially mothers away in the early teen years. Any natural obnoxiousness is increased tenfold.

    The behavior at the bowling party actually sounds pretty typical for the circumstances and her age. Not pleasant to deal with, but at least in the realm of normalcy. Is she a bit more pleasant in private?

    Who gave her the diagnosis of ODD and how long ago? It is very rare for ODD to stand alone. It is usually co-morbid with another illness (ADHD, bi-polar, etc.). If you can get the underlying issues taken care of, the ODD will freqently resolve itself or at least be less severe. Of course, being a teenage pretty much guarantees some ODDness.

    Is she on any medications?

    Has she always disliked being hugged and touched? If so, she may have sensory issues. Was her infancy and childhood on target for development? Any unusual occurrences?

    Does she have an IEP? Any idea why she isn't doing the work? It might help for her school issues.

    It is hard for siblings to live with a brother or sister who is "over the top." It might help your son to see a therapist so he can deal with his issues. Trying to be perfect to make up for his sister has to be very wearing.

    I'm sure others will come along and ask further questions but it might be a few days given the holidays.

    In the meantime, know you're not alone. It really is a wonderful group of people here.
  4. Hopeless

    Hopeless ....Hopeful Now

    I am sending you a big HUG. You definitely need to get an appointment to talk to someone about you first. You have to be strong in order to deal with your daughter. My daughter is 19 now and things started around the age of 7th grade.

    Has your daughter been diagnosed with ODD? Any medications? Is she seeing a therapist?

    I couldn't tell by reading your post, do you have other family members in the household or just the two of you?

    I just found this website a few weeks back and let me say I wish I had found them when my daughter was in 7th grade. It may have helped me deal with all of the things that have happened.
  5. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I know that feeling of having to be stand offish. My difficult child and my easy child are both that way, difficult child because of his issues and easy child because of being a teen. It's good she did open up last night, sometimes I don't even get that from my easy child. I also hear you about the grade thing, my easy child does stuff like that and it drives me crazy

    Be gentle with yourself and let go of the guilt. Glad you are here, you will find much support. Hugs.