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Substance Abuse
Am I an enabler?
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 720426" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>You stop by getting professional help or finding some kind of support which can help you make different choices. I have found enabling to be very much like an addiction, only our fix is to stop the real or <u><em>perceived</em> </u>pain our kids are in or to provide them something <em><u>we </u></em>believe they need. When your daughter gets in a bind, you feel fear, likely guilt too and to lessen those feelings for yourself, you enable, you help, you give, you do something to bring that energy down in yourself. You appear to be caught in the FOG, fear, obligation and/or guilt. In order to remove yourself from this, it generally takes someone else to interrupt our skewered thinking on a consistent basis as well as offer us guidance, support and options for responding in different ways. It takes time and quite a bit of effort and a commitment on our part to make any real change. It is not easy. You are in a pattern. You are operating out of patterned responses, both you and your daughter know exactly how the script goes. Simply put, she has a need, you satisfy the need. If you don't, she amps up the manipulations, gets mean, you "cave." It's predictable behavior and we've all done it here. I know that script forwards and backwards. And, while I was busy playing it out, I was miserable and wildly fearful in regard to my daughter.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Then she needs to quit that job. Having it because she likes a boy is ridiculous. Why should you pay for that? She needs to get a job closer that she can afford to get to. She needs to live within her means.</p><p></p><p>One of the first things that changes when we enter therapy, counseling or a group is that you learn how to take the focus off of your daughter and place it back on you. Once you do that, you begin to learn how to take care of your own needs and as a result, you make healthier choices. And, you feel a whole lot better too.</p><p></p><p>In order to make any kind of change, you have to step out of the situation you are in and look at it from a different vantage point and quite often that is not possible without outside interference or help. We are comfortable in our patterns, we don't want to rock the boat, but if you really want to change this situation, then you'll need to do <u>something</u> different.</p><p></p><p>Your daughter has quite a number of issues that can be serious, however, unless she is psychotic or out of touch with reality, then she knows right from wrong and can change. However, that won't happen unless <u><em>you </em></u>change. NAMI is a good place to begin because they are well versed in these issues with our kids and very helpful for us to begin the journey out of enabling. By continuing enabling your daughter you send her the message repeatedly that you believe she cannot do this on her own. You are both disempowered by enabling. And, it appears, you are both unhappy with it.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>In order for any change to happen, you will have to learn about boundaries. When you have strong boundaries, you recognize that they are not only for you and your well being, but for your daughters as well. You won't be around forever, and she will need to learn to respect the boundaries that others and life in general impose on all of us. When our difficult kids learn that manipulation doesn't work with us, they either continue manipulating someone else, or they learn how to make direct requests and handle being told no. You are reinforcing negative behavior by permitting it. Remember, we train those around us to treat us the way we believe we deserve to be treated.</p><p></p><p>It appears you have arrived at a point of choice. You can choose to continue the way things are or you can find a way out. It's a tough choice, I know, but if you want things to change, you are the one who will have to make that change.</p><p></p><p>I know this is not easy to hear. Anything that doesn't ring true for you, throw out. Keep posting, get support and be very kind to yourself. You deserve a break.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 720426, member: 13542"] You stop by getting professional help or finding some kind of support which can help you make different choices. I have found enabling to be very much like an addiction, only our fix is to stop the real or [U][I]perceived[/I] [/U]pain our kids are in or to provide them something [I][U]we [/U][/I]believe they need. When your daughter gets in a bind, you feel fear, likely guilt too and to lessen those feelings for yourself, you enable, you help, you give, you do something to bring that energy down in yourself. You appear to be caught in the FOG, fear, obligation and/or guilt. In order to remove yourself from this, it generally takes someone else to interrupt our skewered thinking on a consistent basis as well as offer us guidance, support and options for responding in different ways. It takes time and quite a bit of effort and a commitment on our part to make any real change. It is not easy. You are in a pattern. You are operating out of patterned responses, both you and your daughter know exactly how the script goes. Simply put, she has a need, you satisfy the need. If you don't, she amps up the manipulations, gets mean, you "cave." It's predictable behavior and we've all done it here. I know that script forwards and backwards. And, while I was busy playing it out, I was miserable and wildly fearful in regard to my daughter. Then she needs to quit that job. Having it because she likes a boy is ridiculous. Why should you pay for that? She needs to get a job closer that she can afford to get to. She needs to live within her means. One of the first things that changes when we enter therapy, counseling or a group is that you learn how to take the focus off of your daughter and place it back on you. Once you do that, you begin to learn how to take care of your own needs and as a result, you make healthier choices. And, you feel a whole lot better too. In order to make any kind of change, you have to step out of the situation you are in and look at it from a different vantage point and quite often that is not possible without outside interference or help. We are comfortable in our patterns, we don't want to rock the boat, but if you really want to change this situation, then you'll need to do [U]something[/U] different. Your daughter has quite a number of issues that can be serious, however, unless she is psychotic or out of touch with reality, then she knows right from wrong and can change. However, that won't happen unless [U][I]you [/I][/U]change. NAMI is a good place to begin because they are well versed in these issues with our kids and very helpful for us to begin the journey out of enabling. By continuing enabling your daughter you send her the message repeatedly that you believe she cannot do this on her own. You are both disempowered by enabling. And, it appears, you are both unhappy with it. In order for any change to happen, you will have to learn about boundaries. When you have strong boundaries, you recognize that they are not only for you and your well being, but for your daughters as well. You won't be around forever, and she will need to learn to respect the boundaries that others and life in general impose on all of us. When our difficult kids learn that manipulation doesn't work with us, they either continue manipulating someone else, or they learn how to make direct requests and handle being told no. You are reinforcing negative behavior by permitting it. Remember, we train those around us to treat us the way we believe we deserve to be treated. It appears you have arrived at a point of choice. You can choose to continue the way things are or you can find a way out. It's a tough choice, I know, but if you want things to change, you are the one who will have to make that change. I know this is not easy to hear. Anything that doesn't ring true for you, throw out. Keep posting, get support and be very kind to yourself. You deserve a break. [/QUOTE]
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