Am I being mean for feeling this way?

[Californiablonde]

Okay so my boyfriend has a bad hip. He injured it playing softball several years ago and he never got it checked out until a few weeks ago. He went to see a chiropractor who did twelve adjustments for $300. My boyfriend can't afford to see the chiro any longer so he stopped going. His hip still causes him a lot of pain. The chiropractor suggested he do water excercises in a swimming pool to help relieve the pain and heal it faster. My boyfriend doesn't have a pool, but we have one at our apartment complex. My boyfriend texted me yesterday to ask me if he can use our pool three nights a week to do his excercises. He told me not to worry about it if it was too much of an inconvenience. He's been in a lot of pain lately and I really hated to say no, even though it really IS an inconvenience for me.

When I get home at night I'm so tired I'm pretty much useless. I make dinner, take a shower, eat, and watch a couple of my shows before crashing around 7:30 or 8. If my son has homework I help him with that, but other than that I don't really do much but watch a couple of shows then crash. The Geodon I'm taking absolutely has to be taken a full stomach or it doesn't work. I have no choice but to take it with dinner when we eat at six. Usually it takes an hour to two hours to make me fall asleep, depending on how much I've eaten and how tired I am. Then I wake up at one or two in the morning and can't get back to sleep. I really treasure those few hours of sleep I get, even if it means falling asleep at seven or eight. My boyfriend coming over three nights a week is really going to get in the way of my routine. When I'm home after work, I do not feel like conversation. All I want to do is eat, relax, and watch TV. I am not the best company until the weekend rolls around. Then I eat my dinner later and take my pills later so I stay up late and I'm fine with carrying on a conversation. During the week? Not so much.

I've already told my boyfriend not to expect me to stay out there with him when he's at the pool. I will be inside with the kids. Was that mean of me? I sorta feel obligated to go out there with him but I really don't want to! I want to watch my shows and eat. He will be coming over at six which is right at dinner time. When he comes over I am going to hand the keys to the pool to him, go back inside, eat, and watch my shows. Am I being harsh? I know I should want to spend as much time as possible with him, and I really do love him, but I have no desire to see him until the weekends. He has hinted in the past about how it would be nice to live together and won't it be great to wake up to each other every single day? Great for him, but not me! I have been on my own now for seven years come November. I enjoy my alone time. I do not wish to live with anybody else besides the kids for a really really long time. Maybe when they're grown up I'll change my mind, but not now.

Tonight will be the first night he comes over. I am not looking forward to it. Besides not wanting any interruptions to my routine, my house is messy because I don't clean during the week. I save all of the cleaning for Saturday. Usually he comes over on Saturday nights and so far all he's seen is a clean house from me. He has never seen it this bad. Now I feel obligated to clean during the week for when he comes over. I don't want to! But I'm going to have to. Am I being out of line for feeling this way? I feel selfish but I really don't want him coming over!

 

[recoveringenabler]

CB, can't he have a set of keys that he can use to enter the pool at his own discretion without involving you at all? Of is it one of those deals where the resident has to accompany the guest at the pool? If not, just tell him your weekday evenings are very full with dinner, homework, kid activity and any deviation from that plan does not work for your family. You're doing him a favor, and you get to have whatever boundaries work best for you under the circumstances. Hand him the key, and keep your boundaries intact. I don't think you're being out of line at all, you're taking care of yourself and that's a very good thing. If he has the key, you won't have to let him in, he can go directly to the pool and then leave without seeing you at all. Anything you do out of obligation will soon turn into resentment, so I would carefully outline your boundaries and then adhere to them. You deserve the weekday evenings entirely to yourself if that is what you want and what makes you happy.

 

[Californiablonde]

I'm hesitant to give him a key because I don't want him to feel like I don't want to see him at all, even though that's the case. I don't want him thinking I want nothing to do with him. I just wish he would come over on weekends instead of during the week, but I know his hip bothers him more during the work week than it does on weekends. Honestly I'm just going to try it out tonight and see how it goes. Hopefully it won't be too much of a bother.

 

[Californiablonde]

Well he ended up not coming over tonight. He had to work too late. I'm relieved. I had grocery shopping and laundry to do after work and I really didn't feel like having company tonight. He'll be over tomorrow night instead. Tomorrow night will be easier since I don't have any chores to do after.

 

[Hound dog]

Do I think you're being selfish or mean? No. I think you're being honest with yourself. I'd explain it to him the way you did to us, if you haven't already, and be honest with him too. You work hard and have every right to your down time the way you want it to be. I'd hand him the key and retrieve it when he was done and not worry about the rest. IF he winds up having an issue with it, then it's his issue.....you were honest from the get go.

Could doctor give you something else to help you sleep that would work better?

 

[DammitJanet]

Well since I would give my right arm to have someone I know who had a pool I could use to do water therapy, I understand his need. I would let him have a set of keys and just explain to him that you have your hands full during the week and tell him about your medication. Just tell him you really dont have the time to chat with him during the week and want to save your weekends for him. I wouldnt get upset over that. In fact, he may like it that way too. It may be more convenient for him to just go to the pool, swim and get out and go home himself without worrying about changing into something dry to go see you. This way he can just do what he needs to do and go home with no fuss and no muss.

One thing I would do though with the geodon is to attempt to take it a bit later with a snack because waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to go back to sleep isnt good for you. I know. This happens to me quite often and we are working hard on finding me something that will fix this. I am running out of options. I am screwed if I get woke up for any reason at all and it seems about 3 or 4 days a week the dogs will bark and wake me up. Something is going to have to change because if I get up, Im done for. I am now on Halcion and I dont think there is anything stronger.

 

[Californiablonde]

Hound Dog, I have tried everything under the sun to help with my sleep issues and nothing else works. I've tried Ambien, Restoril, Lunesta, Tranzadone, and Seroquel just to name a few. None of them made me sleep AT ALL. Geodon is the only pill that has worked both for my sleep issues and for my mania. I tried so many pills for my mania four years ago and nothing worked. Geodon finally stopped my mania dead in it's tracks and I haven't had one single manic episode since then. My waking up at one or two in the morning just started recently. Before that, I was sleeping a good ten hours, so the Geodon was doing exactly what it was supposed to. I think I need a higher dose because I've been at 80 mgs for four years and it's probably losing it's effectiveness at that dose. At least that's just my guess. I go back to psychiatrist next month so I'll see what psychiatrist has to say if this continues.

 

[DammitJanet]

I know exactly what you mean about the sleeping. I was on ambien for a good ten years and it worked well but this summer it just completely stopped working. I would be up all night long and then sometime during the day I would pass out. Even if I forced myself not to take a nap during the day I might get to sleep that next night but I would only sleep for an hour or so and then be wide awake again and the story would go on and on. When I was so sick during the summer I would be in bed and would sleep constantly but it wasnt really because of the ambien, it was because I was so weak because I couldnt eat at all. I didnt eat for over a month and then I was on this awful H pylori treatment for another 2 weeks that wiped me out. It took me from the beginning of June until the middle of August before I started even feeling somewhat like myself. I still am not sleeping well with the new medicine. If I get woke up by anything at all, then I dont get back to sleep until hours and hours later.

 

[1905]

He may be thinking just like you. Hoping he can just go and swim and be on his way, he has a routine as well. The Saturday thing is working well for you both. You have kids, you have your job and there's only 24 hours in a day. I'm sure he'll be relieved to just have the keys. This way he's not beholden to entertain you or the kids, just as you don't want to entertain him. Your evenings are too busy, don't worry, everything will be ok, he won't think any less of you.

 

[Californiablonde]

You're right I suppose. Maybe he doesn't want my company either. I never thought of it that way before. Well he ended up working late last night too so again he didn't come over. He says he will tonight. I stay up late on Fridays so it won't be as much of a bother. I am hoping he doesn't want to stay and visit afterwards. Friday nights are strictly reserved for watching my bridal shows. I look forward to it all week. I am not willing to change the channel in order to make him happy. Friday nights are my time to do what I want and watch what I want. I'm not willing to compromise. I guess I'm much better at being single than in a relationship cause I'm pretty set in my ways about certain things.

 

[Jody]

Amber,

Me too, I couldn't co-habitate or get married if I had any desire. to I like to think I could not put up with them, but I think it might be pretty hard to put up with me too. I like my routine, or I like having a lack of one if thats what's going on for the week. I can only handle so much, and I know what I need. With my bi-polar and being a single mom and working a full-time job, I have to limit what I can take on. If I get too stressed I can't think properly, and can really go off in a tail spin. I try to prevent that as much as possible and one way for me to do that is to prevent any unecessary isuess if I can. Having someone over when I don't want to is one of those times. If you don't want to throw on the girlfriend hat till Saturday night then so be it. I can manage my kids, and their activities, my home, and my dogs during the week, I also don't get bent out of shape about the house till Saturday, and particularly would not want anyone stopping by on a Friday night, heck I don't want anyone to stop by any night of the week. I found a yard gnome at a local store here that said Leave. lol. Once in a while I don't mind playing hostess, but it's definately a planned type of thing. I like my alone time. No guilt!!! Hang in there.

 

[Californiablonde]

Jody, I'm glad someone else out there understands how I feel. My grandmother once said she felt sorry for me cause I'm a single mom who does it all by herself. I don't feel sorry for myself one tiny bit. I'm used to being on my own and it's the way I prefer it. Once the kids are grown and out of the house I'll probably feel different. I think I will crave constant companionship once that happens. While they're still growing up? I'd rather not add a stepdad into the mix. I do things my way and don't welcome any interference and far as raising the kids is concerned. I like to do things my way period. Oh, and as far as being bipolar, that's one little tidbit my boyfriend doesn't know about yet. He knows my son is autistic and my daughter is bipolar. He doesn't know I'm bipolar as well. He knows I'm on medications but he thinks it's purely for sleep and anxiety. I don't know when I will let him in on the bipolar secret. It's still too soon, and most people freak out when they hear that word. All in due time.

 

[trinityroyal]

CB, there's nothing wrong with wanting to have time and space to yourself. Right now, your time is stretched between work and children. When you have some downtime, it's perfectly acceptable to want to spend it how you choose.

I don't think you're being mean or unreasonable, just realistic about what you need in your life right now. I would be open with your boyfriend about your schedule and preferences, and then let him determine how he's going to react. Don't borrow trouble by trying to anticipate how he might react -- just talk with him.

 

[Californiablonde]

Well tonight yet again he didn't come over because he had to work too late. I am relieved. I feel bad he has to work late but I feel good knowing I have my down time. I dodged a bullet this week. I am totally ready to see him tomorrow night. Tonight? Not so much. I am eternally grateful.