Hi Worried. I am sorry you are so conflicted. Nothing about these situations is normal. I want to share some things that we learned the hard way. That way maybe you won't have to.
My husband ( his step-dad ) has kicked him out of the house even though he has 2 upcoming trial dates..for using pot, having it on him, resisting arrest and I think driving under the influence. We make him pay for his own car insurance , he owns the car, he pays his own cell phone bill too.
Is the car titled in your name? Is he listed as a driver on your insurance or does he have his own insurance in his name? Even if he pays for his portion of the insurance, if it is in your name or the car title is in your name you may bear responsibility if any property is damaged or someone is hurt. Also, any red light tickets or skipped tolls will be addressed to the car owner. We've lost hundreds of dollars.
He is the kind of kid that will finish the milk without regards to his 2 year old little sister, now that makes me furious with him, he is on the selfish side and well, anyone else would smack him in a heartbeat for the way he sometimes speaks to me.
You have a 2-yr. old daughter. Is your son's stepfather the father of the little girl? If so, his concerns may encompass protecting her. She has a right to an uncomplicated and safe upbringing without having her happiness eclipsed by other stressors. My sons' spoke and even now sometimes speak disrespectfully to me. It diminishes me. It scars your soul. Please stay as whole and as happy as you can for that precious baby girl.
So... he gets up, gets dressed and goes out the door but not before telling me he's coming back for his things. Where is he going? o.m.g! how could I do this to my son? I will say that one of his tickets were at a check point and I don't know the results of that blood test. But how can I find out? certainly if he was high then he'd better have his license if not the car taken away.
This is out of your control and no matter what you do, it will never be within your power to protect him as you once did. You are not entitled to the results of his blood test. All medical and legal matters are now his to handle. I have found that the only time my sons wanted to include me was when they needed my help navigating the system, standing next to them to lend them credibility or for our checkbook. The system will eventually catch up to him and maybe his encounter will be with someone he connects with and will listen to.
I don't know what's going on exactly with your son, but I will share with you the trajectory mine took from 20 on.
Started drinking and taking and selling drugs (marijuana and xanax) freshman year in college. He has had a child out of wedlock. He permitted his girlfriend to do drugs while pregnant. He was negligent in the care of our special needs grandson. Doesn't have 2 cents to rub together but has money for liquor, drugs and cigarettes. He is no better now than when he was 20 and up until last week (he'll be 26 in the fall) I was again buying his food, baby's food, baby's clothes, paid for rent, 1 year car insurance, gas to get to new job (was fired from the last one, held it for 2 years.) He has gotten a DUI, has been arrested for criminal trespass, has been in several car accidents. We finally kicked him out in October 2013 after he threatened suicide, was hospitalized and told my husband and I we were essentially suckers for believing him. There have been times when because of a few months of good behavior, or involvement with the church we have HOPED and hopped at the smallest glimmer of light and have been sucked back into hell again and again. THEY GET WORSE. He stole from me. He took my credit cards. When I told him I would prosecute him for fraud if he paid me back and never took them
again. He then turned his sights on my checking account and started forging paper checks
. There is no end in sight.
I now know that through my son's affiliations that my home and belongings are vulnerable because people who take drugs and run out of money get desperate. I even feel less safe in my home and I don't scare easily. I have hidden my gold and my mother's and grandmother's jewelry. We put all our alcohol in a trunk with a combination lock on it. (My husband forgot the combination) And I have my daily medications locked in a safe. (I lost the key and found on You Tube how to pick the lock with a fingernail clipper). He has punched holes in the wall, He doesn't even live here anymore and we are running in circles. FOR YEARS. I am sorry I made it so comfortable for him. All my efforts made no difference in lifting him up in his life and they have made a huge and negative difference in mine. Whatever time I have left I am going to work hard to establish myself as a person apart from what I am to my family.
Yikes, what a rant! But the pain is so fresh and I hope you can minimize the damage done to your marriage and your family by someone who has an addict's brain. You'll be in my prayers as all who are on this board are.