Am I enabling by feeding my son?

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Woriedmom, Jun 13, 2014.

  1. Woriedmom

    Woriedmom Member

    It's not just feeding but allowing him to shower and nap for hours. My husband ( his step-dad ) has kicked him out of the house even though he has 2 upcoming trial dates..for using pot, having it on him, resisting arrest and I think driving under the influence. We make him pay for his own car insurance , he owns the car, he pays his own cell phone bill too. He has been able to hold jobs since he got out of high school so it's not like he's a bump on a log but still he is a user, it may be just pot chances are it's speed as well. Yesterday my husband said if he sees him in the house even eating food he will call the cops on him. Husband is a smooth talker and he managed to have the police say that if I let him in the house again he would have him arrested. I draw the line at food am I right? or am I enabling? o_O
  2. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I don't know where to start. You and your husband need to be on the same page about your son. His dad kicked him out because he is using drugs. You say it maybe more than pot. He has 2 upcoming trials for some serious charges.

    You have fallen into the "feeling sorry for my poor baby" trap. He is a criminal. He is no longer the cute sweet little boy that you still see him as. It happens to all of us. He has a job so he can take care of himself.
  3. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    I strongly suggest reading Co-Dependent No More, attend a Families Anonymous meeting, anything to help you detach. I agree completely with pasajes4...
  4. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    So your husband kicked him out and you let him back in but only for a few hours at a time?

    You and your husband need to be on the same page. Maybe he is willing to compromise on you meeting the son for lunch outside the home. Personally I feel like you allowing the son to sleep and shower there is probably a slap in the face to husband who is trying to take a stand and say "this is not acceptable."

    Why cant your son eat and shower in his own home? He has a job he needs to get it together.
  5. Woriedmom

    Woriedmom Member

    I thank you all for telling it to me like it is, I guess he is a criminal. Though not a hard core criminal. He only works part time and with paying what bills he does he can't afford any place. Even my friend would charge him but right now he has no place to shower, he has no place to live. Why am I feeling sorry for his stupid behind? He is the kind of kid that will finish the milk without regards to his 2 year old little sister, now that makes me furious with him, he is on the selfish side and well, anyone else would smack him in a heartbeat for the way he sometimes speaks to me. My husband says this weekend he is taking out the bed in his room. I don't think I'm ready for that yet. Would you say my husband is being unfair in anyway?
  6. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    It sounds to me like you are allowing your husband to make decisions you aren't ok with. You need to have a talk with him and agree on a course of action. Your husband is angry and that is fine but in a marraige with children you have to work together and make decisions together.
  7. Woriedmom

    Woriedmom Member

    the problem is when it comes to my son my husband goes to extremes and won't hear a word I say...although he did agree that my son can shower ONLY if it's to get ready to go to church on Sundays...and even at that I had to beg. But Jesus to me is most important and I guess I could use that scripture "Spare not the rod lest you spoil the child" .
    I guess I need to have a serious talk with my husband but it sounds like allowing my son to shower and take naps is the wrong thing to do. Married or not, is this correct?
  8. Woriedmom

    Woriedmom Member

    PG, I will read that book, what is the name of the author ? Is see M.Beatitie is this the name of the author?
  9. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Driving under the influence IS deadly conduct. My 17 year old son is a criminal and is in juvie prison. I don't feel sorry for him. I don't need to. He feels sorry for himself enough for the both of us. You are parenting out of guilt. He did not grow up with his father , his stepfather is mean, you did not do enough ....... throw in your religious beliefs, and the end result is that you are an emotional wreck been there done that. God loves us, but that does not mean that we don't feel the pain of the consequences of our rebellious choices.
  10. Woriedmom

    Woriedmom Member

    Okay..I just did the hardest thing ever! I made my son wake up and leave the house but for 2 reasons...for number 1. I'm really going to try to break this crazy attachment to make him a happy and good boy, even though it is breaking my heart.... and number 2 . TERRIFIED my husband was going to come home. So... he gets up, gets dressed and goes out the door but not before telling me he's coming back for his things. Where is he going? o.m.g! how could I do this to my son? I will say that one of his tickets were at a check point and I don't know the results of that blood test. But how can I find out? certainly if he was high then he'd better have his license if not the car taken away.
  11. nlj

    nlj Well-Known Member

    I think you need to sort out the problems between you and your husband before you can think about what needs to be done about your son. I am step-parent to my husband's children and he is step-parent to my older children. Sometimes this can cause differences of opinion, but it sounds as if the situation in your home is more serious than just simple differences of opinion. We are still all one family and have strong bonds and mutual respect and affection. It sounds as if the problems you have with your son are affecting your relationship with your husband and I think you need to make your marriage your first priority. You need to communicate with your husband and listen to each other's points of view and reach a common plan for dealing with your son where your husband is mindful of your feelings as a mother and supportive of helping you to back off from helping your son with things that maybe he could do for himself. I read a good book called 'The Step-parent's parachute' when I married my second husband. A lot of things in it were helpful. I have never had any serious issues with my step-children, but my husband has had to deal with my difficult child. You need a united front, based on communication, rather than this game of 'good cop, bad cop' that you seem to have going on. You don't say how old your son is, or how long your husband has been his step-father, or where your son is living. I sense some aggression and confrontation in your marriage that you are not happy with. I hope you post some more and that you find it helpful to share your story and read other peoples' experiences.
    Last edited: Jun 13, 2014
  12. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    It seems that there are two separate issues here. One is with your son and how to deal with him. And another is your husband and how to deal with him.

    I don't believe that feeding, letting him sleep or shower does anything bad to your son. Probably much good either, but I honestly don't believe someone just decides to clean up their act, because someone denies the opportunity to shower or does not give them food. If that would be a case, there would not be people on the streets. With your son you have to make choices that work for you, your other children and other family members. And in that your husbands feelings of course count. But his opinions do not count one iota more than yours. He does not have the right to decide for you, how you deal with your son.

    I honestly find it worrisome that you write that you are terrified that he would come to home and notice that you have dealt with your some slightly different than he would like. He has no right to decide if you can meet your son. If it for some reason feels very difficult for him to have your son in your home (and not just his home, but both of yours) maybe you can compromise and meet your son outside of home. But to be honest I would find that rather lot to ask already. Your son and his dad (or was your husband a stepdad?) have their own relationship, but it is not his place to tell you, what kind of relationship you should have with your son. Neither should you ever be terrified to let him know that you have done your own decisions when it comes to your children. He has no right to try to dictate your relationship. It is simply not okay and is borderline abusive.
  13. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    What worries me is that you aren't making your own decisions. husband is making them at home and we are making them from here.

    We aren't you! We don't know all the details! We don't know why things are the way they are? No matter how much information you post on here we never will.

    The point is that you will get good and bad advice from this board. Mostly good but sometimes the advice just doesn't fit your situation (maybe it fits mine instead). So here is my advice. Sit down with your husband and discuss things. Sit down with your computer and read through some posts that relate to you. Sit down with a good book about raising difficult kids. Sit with your church members and discuss it. Sit with the police and discuss it. Your get my point.....

    THEN MAKE A DECISION! Unless your safety is a concern then you have time to decide what is right for you and your family.

    None of us will ever walk the exact same road and none of us have a one size fits all answer to the problems you are having. We can offer advice based on our own experiences but we can't fix things with a step by step plan.

    I know when my daughter finally moved out against my wishes I felt that my heart was being ripped out of my chest. I relate the feeling to watching that horrible gutting during "Brave Heart" with Mel Gibson. What I did have going for me was a husband who supported my decisions.
  14. Woriedmom

    Woriedmom Member

    Well, I can see where allowing him to nap and shower would seem like he's still living here since he works overnight. It would be like he never left. I've made the decision that if he's hungry he is more than welcome to come over to eat. Why should I go outside my own home? I get upset just thinking about how my husband would love to have that kind of power over me but that's where I'd have to draw the line. I don't know if my husband and I will last with our without my son. First priority is my son, is that wrong? He's only 20, and is facing serious charges. I'm just trying to get him on his way in life....and I don't think by him staying here has made him change in anyway. He's been using now for sometime...while living in our house. Does this make sense?
  15. nlj

    nlj Well-Known Member

    Is this also what your husband is trying to do?

    I'm very saddened by your words about your husband wanting power over you and your relationship with your son.
    Last edited: Jun 13, 2014
  16. Woriedmom

    Woriedmom Member

    It is so sad, thank you for sympathizing with me.:( It would be so much easier if my son was the one insisting he move out and not me. I will say that even AFTER being arrested I found paraphernalia for weed in his pants pocket. So what does this tell me? somethings gotta change here. My husband is a different problem altogether. My son is my focus right now.
  17. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I just read this for the first time.

    I can understand husband being unhappy with your son, but you are allowed to do what you want to do. Maybe you can tell your husband that if it bothers him he can take a walk or go somewhere when your son is in the house. Unless your son has physically attacked him or stolen from you, I don't see why this would bother him so much. I wouldn't listen to him.

    When my son was living in hotels, and not very nice ones, I often stopped by with food and to talk to him. He was not allowed back in our house as he had almost assaulted me and had damaged things in the house, but I felt guilty, like everyone else does. Sounds like stepdad isn't too fond of your kid, but it's not his place to decide how you handle him unless your adult son is dangerous.

    Sounds like hub is a big control freak. You're a good, loving mom in a bad situation and don't need his negative input. I know this is hard enough as it is.

    On the other hand, your son is an adult and YOU should come first with you now, in my opinion. Twenty isn't that young if you think that the majority of twenty year olds work work least part time, go to some kind of school, respect our rules at home and are not in trouble with the law. Many are fighting for our country overseas.

    I do not think twenty is so young. There are many responsible twenty year olds. difficult children just don't seem to want to do what society expects so they seem very young and drugs make you emotionally immature. In your son's case, he did many silly things that got him to the point he is at and I would be afraid to reward that. As a mom, I'd be nervous, but very angry at him. But I'm not you.

    I probably wouldn't have made a blatant offer on unlimited food to my son as there are food cards and shelters and soup kitchens and eventually they have to grow up or they never will.In my case, I did not want to make a drugged up life comfy for my daughter. In my case, it also worked...she quit. Does it always? No.

    But it's really up to you, not me, and not your husband.
    Last edited: Jun 13, 2014
  18. 4now

    4now Member

    I understand feeling put in the position of having to choose your husband or your son, however maybe your husband's concern has more to do with the 2 year old at home. I'm wondering if the issue is a simple as he doesn't want the baby exposed to drugs/paraphernalia in your home. It took my husband, my difficult child's stepfather to remind me of this with our child who is still in our home. I think, at least for me, our focus becomes so skewed toward the difficult child that we forget to consider the big picture. Just my 2 cents. Feel free to take it or leave it. I Agree with the others who say you need to try to talk to your husband and get on the same page.
  19. tishthedish

    tishthedish Active Member

    Hi Worried. I am sorry you are so conflicted. Nothing about these situations is normal. I want to share some things that we learned the hard way. That way maybe you won't have to.

    Is the car titled in your name? Is he listed as a driver on your insurance or does he have his own insurance in his name? Even if he pays for his portion of the insurance, if it is in your name or the car title is in your name you may bear responsibility if any property is damaged or someone is hurt. Also, any red light tickets or skipped tolls will be addressed to the car owner. We've lost hundreds of dollars.

    You have a 2-yr. old daughter. Is your son's stepfather the father of the little girl? If so, his concerns may encompass protecting her. She has a right to an uncomplicated and safe upbringing without having her happiness eclipsed by other stressors. My sons' spoke and even now sometimes speak disrespectfully to me. It diminishes me. It scars your soul. Please stay as whole and as happy as you can for that precious baby girl.

    This is out of your control and no matter what you do, it will never be within your power to protect him as you once did. You are not entitled to the results of his blood test. All medical and legal matters are now his to handle. I have found that the only time my sons wanted to include me was when they needed my help navigating the system, standing next to them to lend them credibility or for our checkbook. The system will eventually catch up to him and maybe his encounter will be with someone he connects with and will listen to.

    I don't know what's going on exactly with your son, but I will share with you the trajectory mine took from 20 on.

    Started drinking and taking and selling drugs (marijuana and xanax) freshman year in college. He has had a child out of wedlock. He permitted his girlfriend to do drugs while pregnant. He was negligent in the care of our special needs grandson. Doesn't have 2 cents to rub together but has money for liquor, drugs and cigarettes. He is no better now than when he was 20 and up until last week (he'll be 26 in the fall) I was again buying his food, baby's food, baby's clothes, paid for rent, 1 year car insurance, gas to get to new job (was fired from the last one, held it for 2 years.) He has gotten a DUI, has been arrested for criminal trespass, has been in several car accidents. We finally kicked him out in October 2013 after he threatened suicide, was hospitalized and told my husband and I we were essentially suckers for believing him. There have been times when because of a few months of good behavior, or involvement with the church we have HOPED and hopped at the smallest glimmer of light and have been sucked back into hell again and again. THEY GET WORSE. He stole from me. He took my credit cards. When I told him I would prosecute him for fraud if he paid me back and never took them again. He then turned his sights on my checking account and started forging paper checks. There is no end in sight.

    I now know that through my son's affiliations that my home and belongings are vulnerable because people who take drugs and run out of money get desperate. I even feel less safe in my home and I don't scare easily. I have hidden my gold and my mother's and grandmother's jewelry. We put all our alcohol in a trunk with a combination lock on it. (My husband forgot the combination) And I have my daily medications locked in a safe. (I lost the key and found on You Tube how to pick the lock with a fingernail clipper). He has punched holes in the wall, He doesn't even live here anymore and we are running in circles. FOR YEARS. I am sorry I made it so comfortable for him. All my efforts made no difference in lifting him up in his life and they have made a huge and negative difference in mine. Whatever time I have left I am going to work hard to establish myself as a person apart from what I am to my family.

    Yikes, what a rant! But the pain is so fresh and I hope you can minimize the damage done to your marriage and your family by someone who has an addict's brain. You'll be in my prayers as all who are on this board are.
  20. Annie2007

    Annie2007 Member

    I relate to all that has been said here. My son who will be 33 next month lived with us and we all walked on eggshells. Locked up all drugs and he picked the lock. Now have a digital one. He is homeless now far away from us but never know when he will show up. He can be violent. I now have a taser that shoots 20 feet. Hope I never have to use it, but probably would if he tried to strangle his stepfather again. Guns locked up as well. Horrible thing when you don't feel safe in your own home from a family member. So sad and I miss the sweet child I used to have.

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