sweetiegirlz
New Member
I have an 11 year old daughter who has been diagnosed with ADHD/ODD at age 7. This daughter is the third of 4 children, although the two oldest were out of the house by the time she was 6 years old.
The symptoms of this daughter started very young at 3 years old with some symptoms obviously surpassing normal tantrum behavior. Can't sit still. Bored easy, This included not eating/satisfied with meals until I made 3 different breakfasts for example and then not eating ANY of it , just to spite. urinating on the top of table and couch on purpose. excessive crying and yelling. (When she was an infant of only 6 months old, she began to cry at bedtimes a LOT. Nothing would soothe her. and this is very much what she is like today) When she was a 5 or 6 year old, she once rammed a shopping cart into the back of my heels on purpose because i would not get her a toy.
Now that she is 11 years old this child has very volatile rages that consist of yelling and screaming, antagonizing the family members, and calling names. She has come into her menses for 5 months now and the result is that her bad behaviors have multiplied x10 around the time of her period. She has a normal diet, actually a very good diet for a tweenager, and gets really regular sleep. She goes to sleep on her own around 9 to 10 pm and gets up by 6 am. She is very independent and gets ready for school by herself. the only thing lacking is her shower times, that she will sometimes skip and sometimes she will pull dirty clothes out of the laundry and wear them dirty because she likes them so much. Her only medical things wrong are childhood asthma, and dishydrotic exczema. She rarely gets sick but When she does get sick it is precarious, as she will turn a bad corner fast if she has N/V she needs IV fast.
When she is calm, she will talk but will rarely make eye contact with me. Every word is punctuated with a whine or a smart remark, or an insult. She knows no calm tone of voice unless she wants something from me such as magazine, gift, or such.
I can no longer get her to do anything for me. Every rule I make, she breaks. Every consequence I give, (extra chores, grounding, no computer) she ignores.
I give up. Taking care of this daughter has taken every ounce of strength from me.
She has on occasion hit me (lightly) called me stupid, ugly and I hate you (sometimes in public)as well as written it down on paper. None of these things have been said to her as a child from me so I am perplexed. Within the past year, I took both girls with me while I was having my hair cut. Once she saw that I was occupied with an apron around my neck she proceeded to humiliate me in public by antagonizing and fighting with her sister, back talking me in front of the other adults, and then, she took a business card from the salon and came and tried to shove it in my mouth, because she knew I couldn't just jump up from a haircut. This behavior netted her "room time" and not going out with me in public for awhile.
She has also scratched her wrist with a stick with no explanation of why, and cut small pieces of her hair every now and then, even though she's been asked not to. She has verbalized within the past year that she wants to die, she wants to kill herself, When confronted by me verbally about does she actually want to DIE, and no longer live another minute on this planet, she says, "no". Then I have told her, "Please do not say that then."
She loves conflict and will instigate the slightest conflict from her sister, to provoke war. Her younger sister is normally happy most of the time, is now fighting back and calling names when she hadn't before.
This 11 year old child will behave perfectly for every authority figure except me. She gets very HIGH grades and is extremely smart. She will do anything for any other adult except me, including teachers, her father, her immediate family etc.
I give this child her basic needs plus occasional treats. I praise her when she does eventually do what I ask or something without me asking. She has a regular school routine, and has a few friends. She has almost no chores except to clean her room and occasionally her hamsters cage. But she will tell me occasionally that she hates her life.
We recently separated from my husband in 2006 and we moved in July to our present location which is much much better than the apartment we came from. When we were there she said she hated it, now that we're here she hates this too. Although she loves hanging outside with her friends and she loves school, she seems that she will say this whenever she is not getting her way, or told to do chores, etc.
It seems that her favorite word is hate. She occasionally verbally claims that I hate her.
We're in direct communication with her father 3 or more times a week. Her father has told her to be good for her mother. Has expressed disapointment when she is acting badly, and love towards her. She gloats and smirks after conversations like these, saying that "I'm going to live with my daddy" "daddy doesn't care what you say" as well as telling her dad that I am "cussing" at her, because she thinks it will make him upset. I have explained to him that once she has pushed all my buttons 3 or 4 times I will curse like, "Damn it Alyssa, why don't you do what I tell you?" type thing. I often feel chest pain associated with these incidents where I feel powerless with Alyssa. I feel stress from yelling. Sometimes i feel pain in my arms and neck.
Overall, this 11 year old 's moods include acting: hateful, spiteful, screaming, yelling , insulting us, degrading us(she's called her sister "fat ugly hog" "stupid" "I hate her" "I wish she was never born" "Why did you have to have her?")but then in calm days will play with her and even comes to her defense if she gets hurt or someone is messing with her!,
She definitely see saws between moods or has a roller coaster mood. Her dad also has this character and it was one of the reasons why I did leave him, he was unpredictable. I haven't thought a child could be bi-polar so I haven't kept track of her moods, but there is a definite "swing" where sometimes 'life's so great' and other times she will raise bloody hell with her sister and I just to see conflict.
When she is punished, for example sent to her room, she will often try to cut the punishment short by coming out of her room and acting as if nothing ever went wrong (like passive agressive) I will sometimes literally tell her to do something 20 times. Pick up your bowl from your cereal x20. What am I to do? shove her face in it? get violent?
Many times I shy away from punishments because my own childhood with my mother was of nightmare quality, being raised by a mommie dearest type who gave extremely bizarre punishments to me. (I could write a book) I have raised 2 grown adults ages 23 and 19 and they are fine upstanding citizens and they respected me even though i was a single parent, they obeyed. My 9 year old girl is also respectful even if she is kind of dramatic, and copies her sister's ways such as tantrums etc. At least she does do what I say and respond to correction.
I need help now. She has had counseling in the past, without much luck, chore charts (big joke), rewards system, and consequences. I have done everything except medication and not sure if I can get her to swallow a pill and IF she did, most of the adult anti depressants are not made for kids. I have tried putting her in her room, having the local sherriff come out and speak to her about juvenile hall, placing her on a chair on my balcony to cool off. Writing sentences.."I will not...." and writing essays and apologies, extra chores, etc...
She is happiest it seems when she is doing as she pleases. She often gets REALLY angry when anyone touches her belongings, but doesn't think twice about wearing her sister's clothes, my mascara, using my camera (when I explained how precious my camera is to me and it would hurt me if it got broke). The other thing she does is not have any such thing as consideration. She will wake us up in the morning by coming in the bedroom BELLOWING loudly about something she cannot find. She will start loud arguments with her sister when I am on the telephone. All attempts to correct her are met with the "What? me? look"
this child will also scream LOUDLY if I even advance towards her as if I am to spank her. Any neighbor listening would think I am beating my child to death when I haven't even Touched her!
In general, my child is making her family miserable and seemingly does not even care.
HELP!!!
