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Am I hitching a free ride?
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 648746" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>I have thought about this very scenario myself several times over the past years and have articulated it to my husband. When my ex-husband continued to enable my son in a variety of ways, part of me hated that he was doing it, and part of me was relieved that he was doing it. </p><p></p><p>Over time, as I continued to work on letting go of all people places and things (will be working on that for the rest of my life), I started to really not like the fact that my ex-husband was doing it, more and more. But I still acknowledged on cold winter nights that I was glad in some part of me that my son had a bed to sleep in.</p><p></p><p>Then, finally, my ex got sick of it all too. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I believe this: When a person who is capable but lives the life of a victim (for whatever reason) continues to be "helped", on some level they hate it, and on other levels (just like us) they like it.</p><p></p><p>They will never try to be responsible for themselves until all supports are pulled out from under them. I have no idea why this is true and I will never understand it and that is okay too.</p><p></p><p>I have seen that to be true over and over and over in many lives. </p><p></p><p>The person who is "helping" is actually keeping the person crippled. My aunt and I drove to Georgia in January to see about my 64-year-old cousin who has Downs. My aunt and uncle are the "best people in the world" and also the biggest enablers of their---yes, I'm going to say it: Loser Daughter who spends all day in her room watching TV. She is 41 years old. My aunt and uncle who are 75 years old can't retire (they won't allow themselves to---that is why I say can't) because they are supporting this Loser Daughter and her two children. </p><p></p><p>The whole situation is very sick. But it's not going to change because my aunt and uncle are not going to stop. This has been going on for decades. The Loser Daughter has them bamboozled. They think they "have" to do it.</p><p></p><p>They are allowing themselves to be held hostage by their love for her.</p><p></p><p>Who knows what she really might be capable of doing if they would stop? </p><p></p><p>I resisted the urge (which is a much smaller urge than it used to be) to talk to my aunt about what she "should" do while we were on the trip together. As a result, she opened up and told me way more than I really wanted to know. She holds a lot of it in when she talks to my mom, her sister, because she is ashamed. </p><p></p><p>It's really sad. </p><p></p><p>I'm sorry about your stepson. I don't think you can do a single thing about the situation. In fact, when his mom calls to complain about all she has to do, I would just say: I'm sorry. </p><p></p><p>Don't take it on, don't try to tell her anything, don't engage with the circular drama. She'll stop when and if she gets ready to stop, or she won't. </p><p></p><p>It is so sad to observe this type of thing, for all parties involved. The alternative---stopping enabling---is also very hard and sad.</p><p></p><p>Warm hugs to you today.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 648746, member: 17542"] I have thought about this very scenario myself several times over the past years and have articulated it to my husband. When my ex-husband continued to enable my son in a variety of ways, part of me hated that he was doing it, and part of me was relieved that he was doing it. Over time, as I continued to work on letting go of all people places and things (will be working on that for the rest of my life), I started to really not like the fact that my ex-husband was doing it, more and more. But I still acknowledged on cold winter nights that I was glad in some part of me that my son had a bed to sleep in. Then, finally, my ex got sick of it all too. I believe this: When a person who is capable but lives the life of a victim (for whatever reason) continues to be "helped", on some level they hate it, and on other levels (just like us) they like it. They will never try to be responsible for themselves until all supports are pulled out from under them. I have no idea why this is true and I will never understand it and that is okay too. I have seen that to be true over and over and over in many lives. The person who is "helping" is actually keeping the person crippled. My aunt and I drove to Georgia in January to see about my 64-year-old cousin who has Downs. My aunt and uncle are the "best people in the world" and also the biggest enablers of their---yes, I'm going to say it: Loser Daughter who spends all day in her room watching TV. She is 41 years old. My aunt and uncle who are 75 years old can't retire (they won't allow themselves to---that is why I say can't) because they are supporting this Loser Daughter and her two children. The whole situation is very sick. But it's not going to change because my aunt and uncle are not going to stop. This has been going on for decades. The Loser Daughter has them bamboozled. They think they "have" to do it. They are allowing themselves to be held hostage by their love for her. Who knows what she really might be capable of doing if they would stop? I resisted the urge (which is a much smaller urge than it used to be) to talk to my aunt about what she "should" do while we were on the trip together. As a result, she opened up and told me way more than I really wanted to know. She holds a lot of it in when she talks to my mom, her sister, because she is ashamed. It's really sad. I'm sorry about your stepson. I don't think you can do a single thing about the situation. In fact, when his mom calls to complain about all she has to do, I would just say: I'm sorry. Don't take it on, don't try to tell her anything, don't engage with the circular drama. She'll stop when and if she gets ready to stop, or she won't. It is so sad to observe this type of thing, for all parties involved. The alternative---stopping enabling---is also very hard and sad. Warm hugs to you today. [/QUOTE]
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