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Am I Horrible?
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 642305" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Susie, it doesn't matter why they do what they do. Talking it out won't clear it up. It will just make you the scapegoat.</p><p></p><p>There is never a good reason for people to be mean to somebody and many people are just mean...they don't even know why. Long ago I quit going to affairs that made me uncomfortable. You are a good person with no reason to walk into the lion's den. There is no reason to go if you are treated badly. I have learned the long, hard way that, no matter what, it is unlikely to change. I'm not one for large confrontations with difficult children. It usually ends up a finger pointing, angry event with nothing resolved.</p><p></p><p>I find it easier to just hang around with those who obviously care for me than to try to make those who don't come to that "aha" moment. To date, that has never happened, especially large groups can be like a pack of wolves.</p><p></p><p>GuideMe, has this ever worked for you? I have tried it over and over again and all it ever did was make me feel like dirt under their feet and nobody was ever nicer for long because of it. Has it made your abusers be nice to you? Have they ever had a good or even consistent reason for treating you badly and have they changed? Just curious. I don't think you can change how people think about you or me, even if they are laughingly wrong.</p><p></p><p>If I have to have confrontations with people for them to be nice to me, in my opinion, I'd rather go elsewhere.</p><p></p><p>Susie, my son's in-laws did this to him the entire time he was married to his ex. They either ignored him or threw barbs at him. Finally he just decided not to go to family affairs with in-laws. His wife was really angry, but he wasn't telling her not to go and he wasn't withholding their son. He would spent the time in peace at home and do the things he liked to do without feeling uncomfortable, then they'd have a quiet holiday at home afterwards. You are not awful. You make sense. Now 37 is not perfect, but he did nothing to them. He is very quiet with people he is uncomfortable around and unable/unwilling to try to defend himself against her huge family.</p><p></p><p>I don't think you are horrible. I think you make sense. Why deal with toxic people? If you have a nice husband, he will understand. If not, perhaps he is part of the problem or doesn't see it. Tell him and do what you have to do. You are all adults here. Twenty years is long enough to endure it in my opinion. You tried. They deliberately won't. Oh, well.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 642305, member: 1550"] Susie, it doesn't matter why they do what they do. Talking it out won't clear it up. It will just make you the scapegoat. There is never a good reason for people to be mean to somebody and many people are just mean...they don't even know why. Long ago I quit going to affairs that made me uncomfortable. You are a good person with no reason to walk into the lion's den. There is no reason to go if you are treated badly. I have learned the long, hard way that, no matter what, it is unlikely to change. I'm not one for large confrontations with difficult children. It usually ends up a finger pointing, angry event with nothing resolved. I find it easier to just hang around with those who obviously care for me than to try to make those who don't come to that "aha" moment. To date, that has never happened, especially large groups can be like a pack of wolves. GuideMe, has this ever worked for you? I have tried it over and over again and all it ever did was make me feel like dirt under their feet and nobody was ever nicer for long because of it. Has it made your abusers be nice to you? Have they ever had a good or even consistent reason for treating you badly and have they changed? Just curious. I don't think you can change how people think about you or me, even if they are laughingly wrong. If I have to have confrontations with people for them to be nice to me, in my opinion, I'd rather go elsewhere. Susie, my son's in-laws did this to him the entire time he was married to his ex. They either ignored him or threw barbs at him. Finally he just decided not to go to family affairs with in-laws. His wife was really angry, but he wasn't telling her not to go and he wasn't withholding their son. He would spent the time in peace at home and do the things he liked to do without feeling uncomfortable, then they'd have a quiet holiday at home afterwards. You are not awful. You make sense. Now 37 is not perfect, but he did nothing to them. He is very quiet with people he is uncomfortable around and unable/unwilling to try to defend himself against her huge family. I don't think you are horrible. I think you make sense. Why deal with toxic people? If you have a nice husband, he will understand. If not, perhaps he is part of the problem or doesn't see it. Tell him and do what you have to do. You are all adults here. Twenty years is long enough to endure it in my opinion. You tried. They deliberately won't. Oh, well. [/QUOTE]
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