Am I old fashioned?

Sheila

Moderator
I think it's great he felt comfortable enough to approach you with this. And it gave you a "teaching moment" to reinforce your values.

He may also have been looking for parental limits to be set. Good job, Mom!

I don't think you are old fashioned either.

Based on what your son said, this may be more common than I thought. The idea that there are parents that condone this behavior for middle - high school aged kids makes my head spin.
 

DammitJanet

Well-Known Member
Well I managed to keep mine from having kids until they were over 18...in fact Cory was a month shy of 20 so I consider that a small miracle!

Im trying to remember if they had any girls spending the night prior to age 18. Jamies first fiance moved in with us the fall before he left for boot camp and she was 17/almost 18 and he was 18.

Cory's babies momma has stayed with us for a short time before and he now has a he girlfriend that stays over some.

We arent thrilled with him having the girls here but dont say a whole lot about it. Cory doesnt have a bed in his room anymore so they have to sleep on the couch in the living room...lol. Not much privacy there!
 

TerryJ2

Well-Known Member
About an hour later, she called me back and said she couldn't stop thinking about it and asked me to send the chat log and she called the parents and the girl in to talk about it.

Way To Go! I love it when people rethink things and take action.


it bothered me that NONE of the boys were talked to about their role in accepting the girl's offer.


Absolutely. It takes two to tango.
 

Hound dog

Nana's are Beautiful
Count me as old fashioned too.

BUT I did let easy child's boyfriend sleep over. Very special circumstances...... he lived hours away and would come up to see her on the weekend.

And on those nights Mama bear DID NOT sleep. :rofl: Instead I made sure easy child stayed tucked into bed in her room with difficult child, and the b/f stayed put on the couch downstairs.

Naive and stupid me, however, believed that HIS parents were doing the same on the very rare occasion easy child was allowed to go on short trips with them. (these kids were ages 12-16) Actually easy child was supposed to be sleeping in the parent's hotel room, while her b/f and his brother shared a room.

easy child made it slip that it didn't work out that way. That ended the whole sleepover thing immediately. easy child was 14 at the time. I was hurt and angry. (at myself as much as the boy's parents) The boy's parents were good people. But they kept telling me they "trusted" the kids. PLEASE! Who trusts teens of the opposite sex to sleep in the same room???

If they ain't married, they don't get to stay. Period. That's been my motto since and I'm sticking to it!
 

susiestar

Roll With It
I always thought of sleepovers as special girl time. Time to giggle and do blue clay masks and other things that ONLY girls can see you do. The thought of boys at a sleepover still confuses me. Partly because I would not enjoy staying up to supervise, but I would do that anyway.

I can see sleepovers if there is travel, or a lot of chauffeuring to be done by a tired parent. And meowbunny, you seem to have a pretty good way of handling it.

I would NEVER have had sex in my parent's home, whether they were home or not. Not until husband and I moved in with them so husband could go to grad school. We had 3 kids and had been married for 10 years!!! He felt the same way.

I don't really know what/why things are different, but they are.

As long as we set rules we can live with and enforce, there is not much else we can do. Different things seem to work for different families. Though I do think that trusting teens to sleep in a room together, esp a hotel room, is asking for trouble.

Hugs to everyone.

Susie
 
F

flutterbee

Guest
It's nice to know I'm not alone in this. I was beginning to wonder if I was living in some kind of alternate reality. :wink:

easy child and I were running errands this evening and I asked him, "What was up with you last night? You were deliberately trying to provoke an argument all night." With a sheepish grin, he responded, "Well, it wasn't ALL night." :hammer:
 

Fran

Former desparate mom
We have had co ed sleepovers. No boyfriend/girlfriend thing though. The kids hung out with husband and I and hung out together. These were regular kids we knew but we never made a big deal about the opposite sex being a big taboo. On the other hand, I want them to understand boundaries, and what's appropriate in our home. If they have sex in their own car, that's on them but they better not be having it on my sheets!

I would not allow a girlfriend of either of my son's to stay over in their room while in high school. I don't trust them but more is the issue of respect of your home and your parents. I don't think it's old fashioned. I think it's common courtesy.

What teenager really believes their parents trust them??? Ha! no way.
 

Wiped Out

Well-Known Member
Staff member
I didn't have a chance to read all of the replies. I would be considered old fashioned too. by the way, if you quit I get to quit too!
 

Marguerite

Active Member
I was brought up in a VERY old-fashioned, VERY restricted way. I was also extremely naive. My naivety got me into a lot of hot water.

We had high hopes of having similar restrictions for our kids. No sex before marriage. But we live in a very isolated place which means a lot of sleepovers. At first husband & I took turns to stand guard - the boyfriend slept in our 'outhouse' and the girl slept in her room. But it became clear - eventually we would have to sleep. or go to work. They were determined to have sex. Short of throwing the kids out (and I couldn't blame the boyfriend, my daughter was being a tart) and THAT wouldn't have stopped them, either - we sat them down and had a talk.

Go ahead, have sex. It goes against everything we've tried to teach you about personal and sexual responsibility, but if you are so determined, then do it safely and with full precautions. They got the HIV talk, they got the "don't get pregnant" talk, they got the "Don't be manipulative or use sex as currency" talk. easy child 2/difficult child 2 also got the talk on the emotional damage she could do, to a vulnerable young man.

I took them shopping in the supermarket for condoms. There I was, a garishly dressed old lady, loudly asking them if they wanted ribbed or smooth, or maybe even flavoured? I took my daughter to the doctor, I got her on the Pill, she had her first pap smear, she got the talk from the doctor about sexual responsibility.

With both my girls, I couldn't stop them having sex. But I COULD stop them being promiscuous and I COULD make them responsible.

We do allow them to have sex under our roof. If we had tried to prevent it, they would both have left home much earlier and been without our support and protection. At least this way, we're here when they need us.

easy child now lives with BF1 in another city. They are very happy. They are legally registered as de facto. Neither has ever had another sexual partner. Marriage? I'd love it, but I'm not going to force them to. It's boyfriend who needs to think about it hard. He would really resent being forced into it because his own background is very twisted. He was bullied at school for being "the bast*d son of a crippled mother". Bullied by 'christians'. We have tried to teach him that TRUE Christians will not treat him that way. We know he is seriously thinking about marriage.

easy child 2/difficult child 2 is living with BF2, under our roof. She simply isn't ready to leave home. They want to move into a place of their own, I'm fairly sure they want to get married, but they still need help in organising their own affairs.

With both girls, we managed to 'stall' their sexual adventures until they were over 18. We consider that a success, when we look around at friends and neighbours.

We did the best we could. We taught them as best we could, brought them up to consider others, to be responsible and to not act on impulse.

I had some major hang-ups because my parents were TOO strict on the subject. It took me a few years to get over a lot of this damage. I'm fairly sure a number of my sisters were sneaking around before they married - backs of cars, that sort of thing. Not healthy, not safe.

I want my kids to be safe, I want them to not be damaged emotionally as I was.

If you can do all this and keep your kids from having sex early, then I congratulate you. Maybe it's different cultures - maybe if we'd raised our kids in the US we'd have had better success. or maybe not - I don't know. All I do know is, I'm comfortable now with how things are turning out. easy child 2/difficult child 2 is beginning to have problems in the reproductive area (probably totally unrelated to having already started having sex - in fact, the last Pap smear is what picked up something wrong). I'm glad she's talking to me about it, frankly and openly. And I'm glad she has a boyfriend who is here to support her as she goes through what is sounding potentially scary. This is new information - she rang me this afternoon from the doctor's, she's not home yet but she rang to get the name of my BRILLIANT gynaecologist. Because she is open with me, we've found this early and whatever it is is going to be treated fast. If something like this had happened to me, I would never have had the courage to go to my parents.

So well done, all of you, for keeping your kids 'pure'. I'm not being sarcastic here - I'm serious. Accolades to all. Do make sure you keep the doors open to communication, as well. If you can do that, you have come as close to perfection as I think any of us can. It sure ain't easy!

And difficult child 1? He has told me, he and girlfriend are waiting until they are married. So now he's cracking his neck to get married!

Marg
 
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