Am I reading too much into this?

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by klmno, Jan 8, 2010.

  1. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I think most regular members know a little about my history with my mother. She sent a letter and b-day card this week for me to forward to difficult child. I could tell when we talked on the phone a couple of weeks ago that she didn't really remember what day his b-day was but knew it was sometime soon. Ok, not that big of a deal. Then, she thought he was getting ready to turn 14yo but I told her he's getting ready to turn 15yo. Now what bugs me about this, is that she stirs up so much stuff in our lives and calls threatening to stir up more with the GAL and DSS claiming that it's because she loves difficult child so much, yet she doesn't remember this stuff and "can't" come and visit him. To me, it honestly looks like she's just using difficult child as an excuse to continue her negative feelings and periodic mistreatment of me- which has been there long before difficult child was ever born.

    She always claims to me and others that I blame her for all my problems and that everything is just because I can't stand her but she doesn't deserve that- as if I am abusing her and she's a victim in this. I don't call her thrreatening to stir up stuff in her life and I don't try to control her life. I feel like my choice to not report her when I went to therapy and therapist said I had every right to was a sign of forgiving her, however I monitor her with difficult child because just because I forgive her doesn't mean I think she couldn't and wouldn't and doesn't still make very incompetent decisions and actions, particualrly when it comes to kids. Anyway, I believe that I have taken responsibility for myself and mine and difficult child's life (as a parent) and I never call her up saying all this is her fault. Still, I know it's her that trashes me to others but since she's saying that she's upset because I have such negative feelings toward her and "treat her badly" than people never seem to realize that she's the one trashing me- I'm not going to people ITRW and trashing her.

    So, in this letter she wrote to difficult child she wrote "if your mother brings this to you or sends this to you". Ok, I have forwarded every letter that she and difficult child have sent to each other. They are going to remain going thru me so that 1) my mother cannot continue to tell difficult child that his issues are my fault and 2) if my mother re-connects with my bro, neither of them know which facility difficult child is in this way.

    But what rubbed me the wrong way about that statement is that I have told her a thousand times that I can't even take a letter to difficult child- I have to mail them. And he can't receive gifts while he's in there. It just seemed like a "dig" to me as a reminder that she doesn't believe a word I say. Although, she thinks nothing of lying to me- I do not lie to her and have not lied to her about anything pertaining to difficult child.

    But then, I also noticed that she wrote that she couldn't believe it when I "reminded her" that he was going to be 15yo and would be starting high school. He started high school last fall and I told her that several times last year. So maybe some things I'm perceiving as "digs" directed at me are really her becoming more and more forgetfull. She's always been a bit....well, for lack of better term- a bit of an airhead.

    If I bring up to her that I have told her this before, she either ignores it or blows it off. If I stress a concern about it, she gets defensive. When she gets defensive she starts going off at me and it really gets to a point of being emotionally abusive. She will start telling me that I don't know anything and she's more educated and I need to mind my own business and quit acting like I know anything about this stuff and look at how I failed my son, and on and on and on....

    I'm her closest relative and I be darned if I can see being treated like that so if I completely detach, I run the risk of someday being in court with a GAL for HER and being court ordered to take care of her. Yet she refuses to make any logical decision about her future and as I mentioned already, I don;'t think she'll ever even be willing to have a decent conversation with me about this stuff. But as this gets worse, I definitely predict that the panic attacks, delusions, etc, and resulting verbal abuse and threats to me will become worse.

    I guess my first question is, do you think she's trying to make digs directed at me or do you think the forgetfulness and mental health has just deteriorated to where she can't even remember something like difficult child being in high school this year even though I've told her several times over the past 6 months? Secondly, how do you think I should deal with this?
  2. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Honestly? I'd chalk the forgetfulness up to age and leave it there.

    I attended the births of every grandchild except for Kayla and yet hers and Alex's bdays are the only ones that I can recall specific dates. I know the months...just never can recall the actual date. And this is something that I used to be anal with in my younger years. Could recall every neice/nephews birthday without missing a beat. (I have like 20) Can't do that now either. lol

    Of course it doesn't help that Nichole and easy child rarely have the birthday parties on the actual birthday.

    And you just reminded me Evan has a birthday coming up this month. When husband gets paid I've got to get him a birthday card and walmart gift card. Do I know the date? Nope. And K just told me about a week ago. lol

    I know it hurts when your Mom can't/won't see the wonderful person and parent you are. But there is a great freedom when you get to the point of accepting it will never happen and move on.

    Honestly, if my Mom pulled half of what your Mom has done she would never hear from me, nor would I allow any interaction with my kids. Period. Of course that could be why she never tried. lol

  3. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Lisa, I can understand you not remembering everyone's b-day. Goodness, Lady, you have four kids, a husband (ok- a H LOL!), grandkids, etc, and are going to school.

    My mother has one bio kid (me) and a step-son who she helped raise from 1960 to 1967 (my bro) who according to her, they haven't spoken in two years, no neices or nephews that she's in contact with, 2 sisters she is in contact with, and difficult child- her only grandchild. And to ask her- any panic attack she has (which all result in threatening to wreak more havoc in my life) is because she LOVES difficult child so much but I "won't let" them have a closer relationship.
  4. ML

    ML Guest

    She's likely not doing most of it inentionally. Forgetfullness and cognitive/aging decline may count for much of it. However, having said that, her patterns have probably not changed all that much.

    I've said it before, forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves. So we can go on and live our lives without constant hurt and grief. You've come a long way processing a lot of this and I hope you will continue with the therapy that was helping you that you referred to in a recent post.

    Try not to give it all much thought. Trying to figure out what makes her brain tic the way it does is like trying to figure out a rubics cube. The harder you try, the more elusive the answer becomes. Accept you may never understand the "why" and just focus on loving yourself and being the best KLMNO you can be. And we think she's a pretty special lady.


  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Oh, didn't realize difficult child is her only grandchild. That changes things a bit. Shouldn't be too hard to remember 1 grandkid's birthday.

    Still, I'd let it go. Ignore her manipulations to attempt to make you feel guilt when you've no reason to feel it. Her behavior only works if it gets a rise out of you. I'd still keep a watchful eye out for any underhanded plans she might have with/without bro.....just in case. But let everything else just slide off your back.

    At her age there is no way she's going to change. She's not going to ever "get it" either. I wouldn't waste any time on her other than to keep a guard up that she doesn't pull something like was done in the past. But she probably won't try that again.

    It was probably a dig. A petty lashing out because she can't have her way. Pathetic really, when you think about it.

  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I would be surprised if a court could force you to take care of her. There are thousands of people in nursing homes with living children who never visit, call, write or pay a penny in support. Given the abusive way she raised you, I would be shocked if a court would allow you to take care of her. Not that YOU would, of course you would not, but many many abused children would abuse the parent who abused them or allowed others to abuse them.

    I do know that you could not do this. But there are a LOT of abused kids who never got help and would abuse their parents when the parent needed care.

    If nothing else, your lack of a relationship with her would indicate that you would not be the best person to care for her.

    So you probably do not have to worry about that. You could always shift her onto your bro. You might have to make him think you want it, but I am quite sure if he thought that he would fight tooth and nail to make it so you could not even see her or talk to her. (hmmm. Finally a use for him. Whodathunkit?)
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member


    There is a least in NC and SC...Im not sure about VA...but in at least NC and SC that if a parent isnt receiving Medicaid or another long term care insurance, then their children CAN be forced to take care of them if they become unable to take care of themselves.

    That is why I was called and told to drop everything immediately and come down to take care of my mother or I would be charged legally with neglect of an elderly parent.

    That may not be the law in every state but it is something to look into.
  8. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Yeah, it does vary by state. I never would have guessed there were laws like that but after Janet brought it up last year and I was researching laws about difficult child's stuff, I found that we have that law here, too. I didn't even see anything exempting cases where medicaid/medicare is involved. We have GAL's here for adults (seniors and mentally or physically disabled) and just like for kids, they are attnys with about 8 hours of training. It would be my luck to get difficult child's GAL representing my mother in court to get me to take care of her. LOL!

    No one could make my bro to take care of her- he isn't her bio or adopted son.
  9. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Thanks, ML and Lisa!

    You're right, Susie- I wouldn't abuse her but I have serious issue with her trying to tell me how to raise my son and run my house and picking difficult child and me both to pieces and thinking the world is supposed to revolve around her, not to mention being way out of line in things she says and does around difficult child. She just ddoes not have appropriate boundaries. I don't know what you call it but she's one of those people who cannot understand another person's feelings.
    Last edited: Jan 9, 2010