Am i sensitive or is this inappropriate?

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by SomewhereOutThere, Jun 11, 2017.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Does this strike anyone as odd or am I just overly sensitive?

    Everyone knows my husband changed my life, is the love of my life and still rocks my world. I would never want to be with anyone else. We have been together over twenty years snd raised two great kids. Having saud this, he is not handsome (to me he is) or rich.

    I know somebody who knows our story well and, when referring to my husband, has said several times, "He is not for me, but I think he is great for you."

    I never asked her if he was right for her. I am not mad or anything, but just always saw this as somehow "off." Is that first part of the sentence necessary? Am I just nitpicking?

    This person has disasterous relationships so maybe its a compliment, even though she doesnt mean it to

    I just wondered if this strikes others in a weird way as it always did me. Or if anyone thinks this is just me and that i should get over it. I am very protective of my husband and kids so maybe thats it.

    If anyone has feedback...that would help me sort this out. If not, thanks for "listening." I guess its petty of me??? I think about this a lot when with this person. She is very careful about what she says and does not have trouble communicating.....
    Last edited: Jun 11, 2017
  2. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I would agree with her. "Absolutely, he is perfect for me!" It sounds a bit patronizing, but it may be out of jealousy that you have a kind and loyal husband and she has nothing.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I do. It is a bit patronizing. She could be jealous...who knows? She has sadly made bad choices in men and never felt this love and security far as I know. I guess I am being too nitpicky here.

    But it would never occur to me to say to anyone "He isnt for me but"...i thought it was an odd clarifier to put in...more than once. But I do tend to be overly sensitive about my beloved family. So it is probably just me.

  4. february

    february Member

    This person is very opinionated but you should take her opinion lightly or not at all.
    She probably does not know what is like to have a good man in her life.
    But you are blessed with a good husband, and this is all that matters. don,t let her comments bother you.
  5. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    What a strange thing to say to someone. My husband in his younger days appealed to those who liked the "brooding artiste type" and appreciated a good body.

    They also usually thought he was a weirdo as he was so intelligent I couldn't keep up with him, and had very wide-ranging interests.\

    The only comments I got while we were dating were things like, You're lucky he's short, or I'd be trying to take him from you." To which husband, who had overheard that, said, "Don't waste your time. We're bonded."
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thanks! Thats how I feel. Strange way to put things; a bit of "Good enough for you but not me" lol. I have told many that tjeir hub is very sweet etc. But i never thought to inject "but he is not for me."

    Not a huge deal but not exactly "right" either.

    I aleays feel much guilt if I pull away from somebody. Sometimes I just neef to remind myself that I am doing so for a reason..
  7. wisernow

    wisernow wisernow

    I think its very insensitive and likely comes from a place of jealousy and insecurity. I have a friend who I struggle with. She is 60, alone and miserable but is always looking for Mr Perfect and cant understand why she isn't finding him. I love my me he is PERFECT flaws and all.
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  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Wiserone, good for you. Im sure many are jealous of your relationship. Sadly.

    Thats how I feel about husband. We almost never fight, had one shaky stretch a long time ago but thats it. He is always there for me. He is kind. Giving. Unfailingly loyal and slways there. I am there for him too. I appreciate the gem I have.

    This person has a really messed up love life. Maybe it comes from that. This person is also alone and never had a relationship that was so awesome that my own kid wrote on an anniversary card to us "Thanks for showing me true love exists." My daughter mentions that she hopes her marriage is like ours and is so happy that her dad gets along so well with her prospective husband. Also feels her boyfriend is a lot like her dad. She likes that.

    I understand lonely people as I was one once, but still feel its best to stay detached here. Thanks to all. This is kind of my Facebook as I dont like or use I post here. I appreciate all of you.

    Thanks again.
    Last edited: Jun 12, 2017
  9. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I agree...this is some kind of petty jealousy talking. (I'm sure we're missing some context. I mean, she doesn't just walk up to you and say, "I saw John today. You know, he's not my type but he's perfect for you.") But Jabber and I were introduced by a friend (former - no longer - long story) who he'd been in a relationship with. She kept saying, "I know the perfect guy for you!" I kept refusing to meet him and finally said, "If he's so great, why didn't you keep him?" Her answer: He was boring.

    So...she dumped him because he was boring, but he's perfect for me? How's that for insulting.

    Of course, she did eventually bully me into going on a blind date with him. We never spent another weekend apart from that day until we'd been married for a few years! Boring Jabber was perfect for me. :love:

    Last I heard, which was granted a long time ago, her life was still a shambles.

    She's not the only woman I know who's alone and miserable because they don't have "Mr. Perfect". I have one friend who's attractive, intelligent, has money - and 4 ex husbands. She confessed to me the other day she's thinking of selling her house to move into the "mother-in-law suite" at her daughter's house. She's barely 60...but she's so LONELY. Always choosing the wrong guys - always ending up alone. I feel sorry for her.
    Last edited: Jun 12, 2017
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thanks for sharimg, Lil. This friend barely knows my husband. My relationship with her didnt involve him. She is going strictly by her opinion of good looks and money and what I have told her. Yet she has broken up with a handsome nice guy with money and goes back to her bad boys. Obviously, in your late 50s/early 60s "bad boys" are men who have never had good relationships. Never grown up.

    You get who you believe you deserve maybe? Or you just get lucky, like I did. And you. According to friend, nice guys bore her.

    Lil, I feel bad for my friend and tried hard to encourage her to stop picking men who cant love. Last I heard, she is still on a destructive path. I feel for her pain. I tried to help. You know what we say here though...we cant control another person. Or fix them. Or tell them how to talk to us. She is who she is.

    I am grateful you checked in, Lil. I value your opinion. She has said this more than once and I always wondered why she said "he is not for me, but...". She speaks deliberately. It was not a blurt nor one time. She could just as readily said,"He is perfect for you!" Period.

    I am relieved to finally be weeding toxic people out of my life. But I tend to have a guilty conscience so it helps to post here. This is something, one of very few, that Ive never shared with husband, although he would probably laugh. The little he knows of this woman, he is not impressed.

    Thanks again.
    Last edited: Jun 12, 2017
  11. bluebell

    bluebell Active Member

    I know what you mean on the toxic people and comments about husbands SWOT. I am trying to wean myself from a toxic friendship right now over comments about my husband (and also how that relates to my son). It's tough because she has other endearing traits but right now in my life this is a deal breaker. Mine is my fault though, I've complained about my husband in the past because we do have issues, unlike you. But she seems to take it to heart. Also, our husbands do similar work (he is retired after quitting and not being able to find another job), so there is a lot of competition there that I think she feels but I don't. But she's on her 3rd husband and is very controlling - she lays out the guy's clothes every day. That's ok, but I married my high school sweetheart and we've grown apart and together so many times the illusion of any control does not even appeal to me. I don't even want to pick my clothes out every day ;)
    I really just hate that I confided anything to her about husband because she's never met him but she acts like she knows him. And I guess I've only said negative things about him. I don't usually talk about the good times, and that's a problem I fully own up to.
  12. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Some people just enjoy drama in their lives.

    Your friend might have a conscious/unconscious desire for drama "to feel alive" ( as I have heard people say) and wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't provide that.

    My hubby's friend thrives on the drama that is his wife. He can't wait to talk about what she said to the waitress, her overweight cousin, the airline attendant at the counter, or how she "fixed the little red wagon" (her term) of several neighbors who didn't cowtow to her will.

    She is not my friend.

    I did hear from someone that she called me boring.

    Oh well.
  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Blubell, thanks for sharing. I get it.

    My friend can be nice or obviously I would have completely backed out years ago. The nice, sweet part draws me back. The little, purposeful digs have accumulated. Again, this is not a spacey person. Everything she says is carefully planned. I have said things I am sorry about and I say I am sorry. This friend does not ever back off from anything she says. I asked her about these words and I cant remember what she said, but she didnt see anything wrong with it. That much I do remember. At least, she did not back off or say "Im sorry" in any way. But in our long term friendship, mostly long distance, she never says she is sorry for anything.

    I am so done with those who are unable to own their part in a relationship and their flaws in it. Why is "I am sorry if I hurt you" so hard for some people?

    Anyway, I have never wanted a slew of friends because of these issues. I had two extremely close friends. One passed on. I miss her still. We were so close. In twenty years we never had an argument. We were like sisters should be. Another long term friend....we had a few tiffs that didnt last long, then we would cry and hug and it would be over. We owned our parts in the few tiffs we had.

    My friend likes to use my mood disorder and turn it into more (shrug). Whatever. She has a lot of obvious mental health issues, but has never been diagnosed.

    Anyway, have to get ready for work!! It is 90 and humid today! Ugh! I hope everyone has a great day and less humidity than we do. Thank you all.
  14. bluebell

    bluebell Active Member

    My friend is the same, says what she means and means what she says. I don't think you are being overly sensitive. You know when something doesn't feel right. I am sorry for your loss, those kind of friends are hard to come by, I've never experienced a friendship like that. We must live in the same area, I have the same forecast :)
  15. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Oh no! I am in the Midwest. It is steaming out!

    I am not sad. I feel a little guilty is all. But when we talk, something feels off. Its like she needs to put me down to feel better about herself. I dont want that part in her life anymore.

    Thank you, blubell. I am sorry for your experience as well.
  16. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Here is my rose colored glasses view on what she said. I don't think she thought about what she said one way or another. It could be the way she has heard this sort of thing said, and it is just part of her personal phrases that she says without giving thought to the way it would be taken. The other rose colored view is that it is her way of assuring you that she has no intention of making a move on your man.
  17. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Appl, i am sorry that I missed your post. I was once a major drama queen. I was raised by one. But now I hate drama and love the peace and quiet and smoothness of my boring

    That woman you described sounds :frown:. Ugh. That would drive me nuts.

    Friend is more of someone who makes bad decisions and then has internal drama. And she has rules of life she thinks everyone should follow. If this mskes any is too hard for me to be friends with her. It stresses me out.

    Pas, she may not have thought it was hurtful. But when I told her it bothered me, she didnt care. She is not one to say anything without thinking about her words. Thanks for chiming in though. I am not her. Maybe you are right.
  18. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    You could put her on the spot and say "what do you mean by that"?

    She sounds passive/aggressive to me.

    It's like an insult inside of a compliment in a way.

    My sister in law who is 70 has talked so badly about her husband and then wonders why no one likes him in her family (husband and I like him). Why give people ammunition is what I tell her!

    I would count your blessings and not give it another thought! She is probably jealous as others have said.
  19. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    This got me thinking back, for the first time in decades, about the so-called friend, who after finding that husband-to-be and I had gone off for a weekend together, pulled me off to one side and asked, "So, is he any good?"

    I'm appalled all over again!
  20. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Lol, GN.

    RN, I never thoight of that. That would have been interesting. Well, I have already decided that this friend isnt really one. Passive aggressive describes her to a "t." Not just with this comment.

    I may still feel a little guilty, but I am not sad. And your feedback helped. I greatly appreciate it.

    Thank you all.