Am I Stupid?

[totoro]

OK, you really do not have to answer that, at least pertaining to my past posts!

If you have not kept up on my somewhat difficult child'ish life. My father was not in my life for much of my youth. He was in prison for heroin use, dealing. He gave up all rights when I was 5, I was adopted by my StepDad, who was pretty Abusive.
I met my Father again when I was kicked out by Adopted Dad at 13/14. Bio-Dad was still a drug addict/alcoholic. Cocaine, freebase, some heroine almost anything everything else.
I had been using already, he thought it was OK to use with me and teach me how to use more...
I didn't know I had BiPolar (BP) back then, even though many family members were and Mom had committed suicide.


So I was on my own again by 17. Lived with him again shortly for 1 year at 19 to try and go to college. He was very mentally abusive and still doing drugs... under house arrest at times, forced rehab, abusive to his wife, mostly mentally.
I have seen him maybe once in 17 years. When I was pregnant with K. husband hated the way he treated me, husband at that point fully realized I WAS telling the truth about him.
So "L" has been with the same woman now for awhile, he lives in Mexico, does not do drugs anymore. I think he still drinks?

He has in the past year been trying to re-connect with me via e-mail. At first I did not respond. I made him do all of the work. I let out no info. He basically in his way admitted he could have done better. Which is big for him.
I finally told him some about my family. I would not let him send me or the girls any presents for any of the holidays or birthdays. I would not give him info to put us in his will. I told him if he wanted to leave his granddaughters something he could. But I wanted nothing.
I then went on to explain that if I ever let him meet my children it would be a commitment. I explained all about K and sent him info. I told him he could not just come into her life and then disappear.
He has been trying so hard, I will go week or so and not write him, he writes and writes asks all about the girls, how are they. He remembers the birthdays sends e-cards.

So he wants to move to Idaho, he used to live here. He wants to come up here for a couple of months to let his wife see the place and decide if she likes Sandpoint or not. They would go back and forth.
I thought they could stay in our house, it would be August and September, we will not be here. husband said fine and thought it was a nice gesture and we need to move forward and I need to be the bigger person and show that I can let go of my past.
husband has been very protective of all of this.
SO I have my 20 year reunion at the end of August... I was thinking of flying up here to see my Dad for 2 days. He and his wife asked if it was OK if they could when driving back to Mexico, stop in Tucson for a couple of days? Meet the girls...
I said yes, husband said sure.
He has invited us to his place in Mexico, anytime.
I am ready to let him go if he shows any signs of the past stuff. I am not looking for a Father. I don't have Parents, never have. I don't look at husband's parents as parents, it is not something I need.
He even said we don't have to tell the girls who he is... I think I will. and just hope for the best. If he and I become friends I think that would be fine and I can't expect much more than that right now.

What do you guy's think.

 

[Shari]

I think you are right on.

Many, many kids grow up with grandparents who are emtionally distant. Many more with grandparents who are physically distant. The physical distance gives you an out, I think. And if something positive comes of it, even more the better!

You seem to have your eyes wide open about it all. I think its good.

 

[nvts]

Just walk softly and carry a really big stick. You and husband are better people than I, but go with your gut once you meet him.

Oh, and if they're staying in your house, lock up your valuables, ss#'s, any personal information that may be used/abused. I know that sounds harsh, but there's been enough garbage that's gone on in the past.

Good luck!

Beth

 

[4sumrzn]

It sounds as if you have done quite a bit of thinking about the situation. It also sounds as if you are prepared for either way the whole thing plays out....so, I would go for it. Friends are hard to come by....if you gain a friendship out of it, it will be worth it!

 

[totoro]

Thanks ladies-
Beth We are taking everything with us when we move... believe me I have thought about this, even though I don't like it! We are leaving it like a bare rental. Nothing personal. Enough to live.

 

[Star*]

toto -

Someday I would love to know how far you had to dig down in your soul to forgive this man and what you did to do it. Because I don't think I could. Matter of fact I know I can't for Dude's sake regarding his father's abuse.

I don't know if you're stupid or not. Well you know of course I don't think you're stupid, but I get what you are asking - You're asking "Am I asking for it - again?"

My answer would be yes, yes you are, but this time it seems like you have your safety net in place and a plan should it go South. That's very good thinking on your part. And I get where husband is coming from. My DF will NEVER agree to have my x anywhere near me or Dude in his presence. But he wouldn't allow either of us to be present without him there.

I gotta tell ya kid - you really are being the bigger person here because I see you trying to move forward and you haven't had a chance to put the past behind you. If I had to guess I'd say you probably suffer from severe PTSD. I also think it could aggrivate your BiPolar (BP) at times. -flashbacks and such.

Over all it sounds like a good plan, and if the man pays his bills it helps you out financially - so you get something out of it. Maybe (tongue in cheek) you could ask for credit references. lol) ahhhh I'm so not forgiving of abusive pasts.

Hugs
Star

 

[totoro]

Thank you... I will keep my warrior gear on hand and ready!!! I honestly think I am prepared for this... I have talked it out with therapist and realized this may just be my path in life, as is this maybe his as well. Who knows why.
I am not always proud of my actions and would like forgiveness from people for my past. Even though I have accepted myself. I accept others for who they are and their choices in the past, even if they were done to me. Clean slate.
If they can prove themselves... not all want it. But he seems like he does, mid life crisis? The Grandkids? I don't know. This is his chance.
I don't think I would do it if I didn't have husband.

 

[Abbey]

Toto,

Can't tell you what to do...it has to come from your heart and strength.

I grew up in an abusive family. To this day my siblings has never forgiven or forgotten the things that went on and have no contact with my parents. I did when I was in my mid 20's.

Fast forward many years. My father is a changed person. I would have NEVER anticipated he'd be like he is today. It was a slow change to get him back into my life as a 'father,' but it finally happened. We are closer now than ever. I haven't forgotten things in the past, but I have forgiven. He had a really crappy upbringing and had no pattern to look to. He did what he knew. Part of that is being a parent and realizing you don't make the smartest decisions all the time.

Drug abuse is cruel. If he is truly off of drugs, he might be a totally different person now. I think a small window of opportunity might be a good thing. Baby steps.

Abbey

 

[trinityroyal]

Toto, you know what's in your heart. You will do what feels right.

I'm very glad that you have a safety plan and VERY clear boundaries about what's not acceptable. You're open, but you're not blind.

You're a very strong and forgiving person. I am awed.

Trinity

 

[everywoman]

I also had with two terribly immature, difficult child parents who never raised me. I had to a very long time ago, let go of my hate and bitterness. I did allow them into my life, but only in small bits and pieces. I never called Hal, dad or Nora, mom. They have always been first names. It makes it easier on me. Hal died in 2000. I know that in his own difficult child way he loved me. Nora is a part of my life. I see her every few weeks and call and check on her every few days. She lives about 5 blocks from me. She is all talk. I know she feels bad about the past. But, I have no guilt, no pangs, no regrets. They were who they were. I am who I am because of them.

 

[totoro]

Everywoman~ Thanks that hit the nail on the head. He is Lou and always has been... i don't think it will ever be more. Not in a Father sense.

 

[tryinghard]

You do not sound stupid to me at all....in fact you sound very realistic. I wish you and your family the best and that this works out for everyone.