Am I unable to make good choices?

[DammitJanet]

Apparently my children think so...well at least the youngest two seem to think so. Cory is especially bad about this because he is right here.

Now that I am, well we..his father and I...are in the process of attempting to do some remodeling of the trailer, he has a ton of things to say about it. Personally I think he is ticked off I am spending money on anything but him but so be it. Its my money! I was just nice enough to give him enough to pay a down payment and his first months rent to get him the heck out of my house, dont argue with me about anything else!

He wants to tell me that he thinks its stupid and wasting my money to put in new cabinets. Ummm...Im getting very inexpensive, unfinished base cabinets and keeping my wall cabinets. My sink cabinet is shot and if anyone knows mobile homes, you know that they are built with basically one long sheet on the long wall one on the bottom. I couldnt just cut part out for the sink base and fix that. If I attempted to just fix that with plywood inside and then strip and stain the doors and drawers...heck it would cost more or as much as it would to by these new ones since I want to go to a dark wood since the ones I have are white particle board!

He wants to tell me I should leave the cabinets be, do the walls and put cheap vinyl on the floors and get the exterminator in. Well...see...I am gonna do the walls and yeah...we will worry about the exterminator but that isnt the a number on on my list because when my whole family leaves I wont have as big a problem. I am not putting cheap vinyl when I found laminate reasonable. I am going to wait to carpet my living room until I want to...Im doing laminate in the hall, kitchen and family room. Tile in my two bathrooms. Eventually I will carpet the living room.

I have a vision but of course, I know I might not be able to have exactly what I want. Duh. He wants to dictate to me like Im a kid when he is the one who cant figure out the priorities of managing wants versus needs. I may splurge a bit but I do know how to make sure my needs are met first. I sure have kept his butt out of the weather for a long time!

I guess I am just venting because he had the nerve to say we would be living paycheck to paycheck again...lmao! Like we arent already and he isnt!

 

[HaoZi]

Eh, tell him when he's the one paying for it, he can complain.

 

[Mattsmom277]

I think your plans sound not only enjoyable but also very practically made decisions. I can't see why he feels entitled to discuss the finances of any purchases (let alone remodeling costs) with you given you are his parent and your finances should be none of his business. Perhaps a little reminder that opinions re: your finances or spending are off the table, period. A manner of respecting your parents/elders and as a matter of tact. Then I'd just not bother sharing your remodeling plans with them at all. They'll obviously see when the work is done over time and I'd remind them (If it is needed at that time) that the proper response is: Looks wonderful mom!

 

[tiredmommy]

Janet- Enjoy your kitchen. Especially once Cory is out.

 

[lovemysons]

Janet...I so hear ya! I am so tired I mean SO TIRED of second guessing myself and even feeling the need to justify myself to my difficult children. Both believe they are entitled to an explanation.
Don't you just love how they become experts with our money... Years of practice no doubt.

Ya know years ago my aunt tried to explain the difference between Selfish and Self Caring... I'm still struggling with this.
One of these days and I hope it's soon... I will look at them and say Too bad it's not any of your business and turn around and walk off without looking back and without feeling the need to explain myself. Enough already ya know.

Enjoy your remodeling project! You deserve it..it is Self Caring.
Tammy

 

[DammitJanet]

Tammy...I think you just hit something dead on the head for me! Thank you!

For oh so many years I have given everything to my kids and now the grandkids. I have rarely spent a dime on me or even Tony. Literally I just bought the first new pair of shoes in 3 years for myself! Well...I did buy a pair of those 10 dollar flats to have for dressy things back when we had the reunion and I wore them at the funeral too but I got them at walmart and they are something that I dont wear everyday. My everyday shoes were tennis shoes that were Sketchers that I got 3 years ago for free off Freecycle. I got two new pair of shoes two weeks ago, nice ones...Sketchers and Easy Spirits, and I bought a new purse, and you would have thought I suddenly became Emelda Marcos...lol. I deserve it. Tony deserves it. If we can finally get something from JCpenny's instead of goodwill or Walmart, why do I have to feel badly?

I shouldnt. I should learn to allow him to feel what I felt to get to this point so he knows how it feels to feel good about doing for himself. Only one way to do that.

 

[lovemysons]

Your welcome Janet...I am just so tired of putting my difficult children first and myself last (lol I even just did it in that sentence Geez!!!).

Emelda Marcos...you're too funny.

Seriously though I'm learning right beside you.
Tammy

 

[Hound dog]

Janet, you've no reason to feel badly for doing things for yourself and Tony.

I agree, Cory can complain when he's the one footing the bill. Otherwise.....butt out! Not his problem.

You know I spoil my grands. lol But I've cut back considerably and am more picky about what I buy for each of them. There will be 8 of them soon and it begins to add up into big money after a while. I know that even after lil Oliver, Nichole is not done having children........and Travis has yet to begin......and honestly I think easy child will wind up trying for another once Connor is older.lol

At our ages is when we're supposed to be enjoying life. The heavy responsibility of kids at home is gone. We're supposed to spoil ourselves too. We've earned it.

I dunno about you but I love going to the store and seeing something, really loving it, and being able to pick it up and buy it just because I want to. With our current budget I don't get to do it as much as I'd like.......but still I do it when I can afford to. It feels so great. Doesn't matter if it's for me, husband, one of the kids or one of the grands.

 

[KTMom91]

Enjoy every second of the remodeling and the beautiful kitchen you'll have once it's done! It's not Cory's business, and besides, he's moving anyway, right?

I so understand about everyone else looking great because you buy stuff for them! I bought two bras and two pairs of denim capris several weeks ago, and before that...I can't remember!

I love shopping...so does Miss KT.

 

[tiredmommy]

I have an admission: I spent $96.00 on an outfit for myself last week. I think that's probably as much as I've spent on clothes for myself for at least two years. I feel so guilty.

 

[shellyd67]

Janet, your remodeling plans sound so exciting. Good for you and Tony. You both deserve it ! I think the decisions you made were wise and since you are shelling out the bucks to do it, no one has the right to chime in.

 

[exhausted]

Sacrifice-that is what you have done for years. While other lucky parents got to hear how wonderful their PCs were, and enjoy the fruits of their luck, you were in stress just trying to keep your kid alive. Its time for you. And yes it is so hard. You have to fill your vessel and that kitchen and laminate will bring you years of joy! We have to get joy somewhere. I say you made a wonderful choice. When it's done, cook a meal for those who support you!

 

[Star*]

I hate to tell you, but I agree with Cory.

If you pay to have the place exterminated first? Get the DELUXE package that gets rid of roaches, silverfish and children. THEN remodel whatever freakin way you want to in complete silence.

 

[DammitJanet]

LMAO!!!!!

Oh gosh...I wonder what insecticide they use for that?

In all seriousness, Tony keeps reminding me, you have to stop giving him everything. Dont buy him stuff for his new place. yada yada. He actually found a really cute little place for a pretty good price. Its not great, dont get me wrong but it looks a lot like some of the places we lived in the mid years. Not the beginning years but the mid years. It is a small two bedroom. Maybe 800 sq feet. 1 bath. Not a great area of town but it is close to stores and not far from where she works. Also right behind a police station which I think is hilarious. Its got a nice yard and two porches...front and back. Its old and needs love but its not a dump. Ya know what I mean? It has a place for a washer but no dryer so they will have to put up a line. It has a gas furnace so they will have to get hooked up to the natural gas people...not a tank but the whatever you call it. But he has time for that.

However, he is more worried about dumb things like blinds and window coverings immediately even though he also has an immediate issue with his probation fees. I think he thinks I will save him there. Ummmm....NOT! I told him I wont. I told him he better think about the fact that he can go to the second hand store and get old sheets or towels or even bedpreads and cut them to fit over windows until he can afford what he wants. Priorities. Heck, I have foil, trash bags and some old blankets over my windows in my bedroom to keep the light out because I have really hot sun coming in and I didnt want to pay for expensive window treatments! No one but me comes in my bedroom so I didnt care...lol. If someone cares that much about what is over my windows, I dont want to know them. With my knew redo, I will probably get new curtains and I have heard there is some neat plastic stuff for windows that I might put on the windows in my kitchen, family and living rooms. After all, Im in a tin can in a field in the sun.

 

[Steely]

You go for it Janet - you know you are an amazing Mom!!!! And you so deserve some nice things. Absolutely relish in every single item you get.

I think Cory is just plain out jealous! He wants what you have, and so he is going to belittle you and play on your insecurities until he gets more pieces of YOUR pie.
"Obviously you have enough money to do the remodeling, why not help him?" The difficult child says.

Every time he comments on your decisions, I would just reply with -
"And how are those probation payments coming along? And does the new baby on the way have everything it needs?"
Put back on him what his responsibilities are, instead of him thinking, or rather implying, they are your responsibilities.

difficult child-dom will it ever end???

 

[Hound dog]

Janet easy child's mother in law has this tinted stuff that comes on a roll to block out the sun...........think sunglasses for your windows. It's awesome. I'll ask sister in law what it's called and where you can find it. You cut it to fit the windows......uses static cling to adhere to the glass.

Yup. I'd stop buying so much for the kids.....try to keep to bdays and holidays or something. Those scratch and make do days of a marriage can create a lasting strong bond. Second year husband and I were together we had a rather steady diet of koolaide and pbj sandwiches.....with the infrequent real meal. lol easy child ate an awful lot of infant oatmeal that year too. She had two outfits for when we went somewhere. At home it was 2 blanket sleepers and or diapers depending on the weather. But you know what? We were happy. And it's all part of growing up.

Hugs

 

[Star*]

If it's up from a cardboard box? It's adorable. If it's out of your house? It's LOVELY! If it puts him on the road to manhood? IT'S A DREAM HOUSE! If it's next door to Dude? It's a warzone - and the city block will be cleared within the month, they'll have their pick of vacant homes - and then we can pick our own Florida vacation spot.

Buy him WHAT? I'm thinking going to Big lots and asking them to save him MOVING boxes is all the expense you have at this point - THE REST? We'll have that ON LINE House warming party for him. Mk? MmmmmmmK!

I checked with our friend who has the pest control solutions bus. He said that the formula I recommended is commonly known as Formaldafootupyourasshyde. Sold in 5 gallon drums and by the barrel only.

 

[everywoman]

You go girl. After years of giving and giving, I'm doing for myself now. And I don't feel guilty---lol. I'm going to pm you my cell # and the campground spot #

 

[1905]

Star!!!!! You are so funny! Janet...there's a reason those of us with difficult child's living home don't have nice things. Until difficult child left out home, there was no point doing a thing. You DESERVE, and want to fix things up, and why shouldn't you? How dare he suggest otherwise! Let him get his own things for his place, and does he need things? NO he doesn't. He can save up, buy a little at a time, go to garage sales...or not, he'll be fine, but he shouldn't be counting on you to get his place all fancied up. And he has no business tallying up the things you're spending your own money on. Imagine all the money you'd have if he wasn't a difficult child....I know for me it would be a lot!

 

[susiestar]

Janet, I have NO clue as to why a difficult child would think he has the right to tell anyone how to live and spend their money, but it seems to be a difficult child trait. Years ago my parents redid their kitchen with money from an inheritance. Wiz was a baby. They stripped it to the walls, had the electric updated, custom cabinets because it was cheaper than buying premade ones (you have to know the measurements of this large kitchen to understand why, but it would have been more expensive to put premade ones in, etc...). My bro wasn't even living in the same state at the time but he carried on at my mom over the phone for a long time. All about how she should wait and when he came home at Christmas he could do it all in a week or so, how she was wasting money, etc.....

At the time my gfgbro lived in a tiny travel trailer that he got used for under $500, had no utilities but electric from extension cords from someone's house, had an outhouse for a toilet (and that outhouse only had 3 walls!). He ranted and raved about how she was wasting her $5000 on that. To this DAY my mother does not want him to know how much it cost - way more than five grand though! Even last summer he ranted about the cost.

My mom finally shut him up by asking him what he could teach her about $$ when she bought his home and his truck and he made payments to HER and couldn't even get his own cell phone contract and he almost tanked her credit because his utilities are in HER name because he couldn't afford the deposit of $300 and he neveer paid them on time so now he has to pay the bills as part of his "mortgage" so that she can keep her credit good. But it took a couple of YEARS of telling him this before he quit harping on it.

Tell cory that I said to SHUT. UP. He can pay his way to OK and argue with ME if he thinks he shoudl tell YOU how to spend YOUR $$ - esp as YOU support HIS CHILD and even HIM, MANDY and the new baby. NO WAY does he need to tell you what to do.

You go out and buy another pair of new shoes if you want. Your knees will appreciate it and so will your back. I am sorry he is being such a jerk to you. Your plans sound great and very smart to me.