Am I wrong? Is the teacher right? Opinions needed. difficult child's "tone"...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by PlainJane, Jul 24, 2012.

  1. PlainJane

    PlainJane Every dog has his day....

    difficult child is in the summer program at the public school for preschool, and in September will start kindergarten. He is diagnosed high function autism, but really is really and Aspie (the doctor's say there's no point in changing the diagnoses, that high functioning autism covers Aspergers..) He also seems to have anxiety issues/ compulsions. He is not on medications right now, as with a little tlc he functions very well, all things considered. He is actually very bright, he was tested for this program, but socially/ behavoirally he is really really in need of special care.

    His teacher for peschool (public school program which he qualifies for because of social delays) was excellent. He never had any issues there.

    Now the one teacher he has (thankfully for only 2 more weeks) sucks. Sorry, but she just sucks. Point blank. He keeps getting notes home about his "bossy attitude" towards other children, and how he doesn't worry about himself. Today he got a note home about correcting others. When I talked to difficult child he explained that the other kids were not "doing it right" (putting their book bags away) and he didn't understand why he got in trouble. I mean this is OBVIOUS stuff with Aspie kids, isn't is?? They are hell bent on rule following and doing things correctly, and I get that the teacher cannot ignore his behavior because of it, but I don't need notes daily pointing out behavior that is part of his diagnoses...:wellduh:

    So I called her today and told her that I know he is in a group of kids that some of them just have language delays, but M has Asperger's and this is part of it. She clarified that she didn't like him talking back, her example was when she told him to "worry about himself" (when referring to bossing others around) he replied "I AM worrying about myself"...and when she told him not to argue he answered "I'm NOT arguing"...Her biggest concern was that he not be fresh to her, was HIS needless to say when she put him in time out for it, it set him off, and he just became more verbally aggressive ...

    I just told her that his life has been an endless shuffle to therapists and we realize his tone may not be what she likes, but to listen to the words, as his communication has ALWAYS been an issue. He doesn't always pick up on voice tone and he doesn't always use appropriate tone...often he is really loud! At this point if he is NOT being physically abusive, or physically innapproriate (He isn't one to give others their personal space...) and if his WORDS AREN'T rude (i.e. name calling) than she needs to back off. I said it way more professionally than that though!

    Am I wrong?? I mean this is a kid who has come leaps and bounds and she mad out how loud he talks or his tone. I told her she needs to verbally example to him how to say something, that he needs to HEAR it said the right way. You can just tell him, "don't use that tone", because he will have no idea what you are talking about.

    Oh and she also said she wants to "nip this in the bud" referring to his "attitude" before kindergarten...
    Am I wrong? I really want to smack this woman:fishbashsmile:
    Last edited: Jul 24, 2012
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there.

    I have a son who is high functioning autism, although he's an adult now. Is your child in a regular classroom? Clearly this teacher does not understand Aspergers at all. Your son, well, I hope you don't mind if I laugh, but he is being very literal to her and is acting like a TYPICAL Aspie. Also, most Aspies don't understand that adults are "above" them in the respect department and treat everyone equally. I think the teacher needs to take a chill pill and a course on Aspergers if she's going to have Aspies in her class. in my opinion you can talk to him about it, but I'm not sure it will compute. He's awfully young. My son did pick these things up, but it was much later.

    Smack the teacher once for me :) j/k

    PS--I don't know what you plan for him in kindergarten, but I'd hand pick his teacher very carefully if he's not in Special Education or you may run into the same problem. Talk to the principal about it. Be assertive and tell him/her exactly why you want him to have that teacher. Does he have an IEP? If not, get one so that this CAN'T happen again.
  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sigh. I dont want to just say you are wrong but this is what you are going to deal with in a school setting. My son also had the problem also had the problem of always sticking his nose in where it didnt belong. While it should be just him worrying about putting his book bag away correctly or putting his coat on the hook so it didnt fall down, he wanted to sit there and tell all the other kids that they werent doing it right. Didnt go over to well with either the kids or the teachers.

    Kids, even those with issues, have to learn the way things run. Everyone cant just change the rules for them. They can have an IEP to help him with things that are harder for him but not everything will be on there. They cant change the entire world for him.

    I dont know, this is my opinion and Im sure you are going to get more that differ from mine.
  4. PlainJane

    PlainJane Every dog has his day....

    My son is in a self contained room for the next few weeks, until the summer program is over. But the disabilities varying, and I found out by asking other parents, that a lot of them are there for speach delays...I actually haven't talked to a parent yet that their child has an Asperger's/Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD)?Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) diagnoses. M seems to be the only one so far.

    But for kindergarten he will be in a mainstream class with in class support. This was decided after the school year ended and before this summer program, mostly as a recommendation by his preschool teacher who obviously has a lot of experience with Asperger's children.

    I just....I just don't have the patience for this teacher. Her main goal seems to be BEING RESPECTED by her students...and I agree that students should not treat their teachers poorly, but maybe preschool special education is not the place for her to be.

    by the way Love you avatar picture! :) I just changed mine. I've been on this site for quite some time, and mine was still that mystery picture, lol. I thought this dog is how I'd look...if I were a :)
  5. PlainJane

    PlainJane Every dog has his day....

    husband and I actually looked into therapy for this. My son has been with the same therapist wince he was two. THey did say they have a therapy they do to address this ridgity or contol aspect of Aspergers. Up until recently he was in a social skills group, but really his issues are about everything going his way. I mean we all like to get our way, lol, but his need to control is excessive and when he can't control things (i.e. tell kids how to hang their bags) he get severe anxiety. Often he will )almost immediately) start with verbal complusions (we had ticks ruled out, they think its a manafestation of anxiety) he makes clicking noises, or this throaty gulp.
    I'd love to start the therapy tomorrow, but we are waiting until Sept because of a horrid insurance messup (insurance ompanies fault) but we now owe his therapy company about $2000 before we can start again, plus its $50 co pay a visit...(long story but in a nut shell, the insurance company sent us the wrong paper work, and we were paying a $6 copay for visits)

    I do want to address this, and its not that I think he can or should get away with this behavoir, but it seemed more like a pissing match between him and his teacher. I got the impression she was more concerned with being repsected than actually teaching him why this is socially inapropriate and what he should or should not say.
  6. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I'm in a feisty mood lately, lol, so don't take my post seriously BUT I'd like to smack her too. So many times over the years I have had teachers like this trying to change ADHD and AS kids. I'm old and have run out of patience. Hugs DDD
  7. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm a teacher and I am furious at that teacher! No reason for her to behave like that.
  8. PlainJane

    PlainJane Every dog has his day....

    My patience are running thin...and I'm just starting this lovely journey!

    I guess I feel like as a teacher, she should be better equipped to address this. I'm a nurse. That would be like me getting annoyed at Alzheimers patients for needing more frequent remind for various tasks...Its expected, and I wouldn't hold them to the same standard as a patient without a memory deficit.
  9. PlainJane

    PlainJane Every dog has his day....

    Wipedout, I guess I better get used to not every teacher he has being good teachers. His first teacher was terrific. She was just great with him, she "got it". She knew how to redirect him without setting him off, she knew how to place demands on him without over doing it, and she really seemed to know what to address ("bad" behaviors that he can control) and what was not him being "bad" but behaviors that he needed to work on and were part of being Aspie. She was maybe late 30s and had 3 kids of her own. She had experience as a teacher and mom. I was really upset to hear she wasn't doing the summer program.
    He has only had this current teacher for 2 weeks and one day and there are so many problems already...
  10. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    her example was when she told him to "worry about himself" (when referring to bossing others around) he replied "I AM worrying about myself"...and when she told him not to argue he answered "I'm NOT arguing"...

    Oh, boy, that's the perfect example! This teacher does not "get it" at all. She needs an entire course on Asperger's. Can you go over her head or are you almost finished working with-her? There is always one, every year, who is a pain in the &&*/
  11. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    Does that mean he does have an IEP or is this an informal type accommodation? You are going to run into a lot of teachers that don't have a clue so you really need to have a formal IEP so this kind of thing doesn't keep happening. difficult child 1 was suspended so many times for "being disrespectful" that it ended up making him severely depressed. He also has the high level of anxiety that makes things so much worse. To protect M from K through 12, you really need to have a GOOD IEP that will protect him from teachers treating him like this and mandate that they TEACH him these skills instead of punishing him for not doing it "right".
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Agree on the IEP! Just had to second myself :)

    Informal agreements and even 504s won't be enough for Aspergers. You'll be fighting all the time if you don't get an IEP. And I'd also call your state Dept. of Public Education to find the FREE parent advocate in your district. Every district has one. They go to IEP meetings with you and they KNOW the state disability laws. That way the school district can't try to snow you. And they will! Submit in writing or e-mail that you want your son tested for an IEP. They have 45 days to respond. In that time, contact your advocate just in case they turn him down.
  13. PlainJane

    PlainJane Every dog has his day....

    I definitely got snowed...At the end of the officially school year, we were notified that we needed to meet with the study team and M's teacher to discuss his placement for next year. husband and I were not told it was an IEP meeting. We talked about M being in mainstream kindergarten with in class support, his preschool teacher agreed, and that was it.
    husband and I even talked a few days later about the IEP, since the original one was done in December, we figured they do it yearly.
    Then about 2 weeks after the meeting, we get M's NEW IEP in the mail...we had no idea that was the IEP meeting.
    We are new to this and they are keeping us in the dark. At least it feels that way.
    What kind of things would be in the IEP for this?

    Oh and today, M REFUSED to go to school...He was telling me and husband about these colored stickers the class gets for being either good (green sticker) a little bad (yellow) and very bad (red)...And I told him I never saw any stickers and he told me he takes them off his shirt, and that he doesn't want me to see them. I aks him what he has to do to be good. And he just said "be good". He could not tell me specifics. This is a BIG no-no as per the therapists. Be good is too vague. difficult child needs specific tasks and goals.

    This summer program is over Aug 9th, so that's the rest of this week and 2 more weeks. I'm hoping M will go tomorrow. I feel so stuck. I'm not trying to say that the teachers have to let him talk mean to people in the class, but I feel they being too picky considering M's diagnoses.
    Last edited: Jul 25, 2012
  14. Ktllc

    Ktllc New Member

    Summer programs should not be mandatory. If it is doing more wrong than good, could you keep M at home until he enters K ? What's the point of trying to educate the teacher when there are only 2 weeks left... M will have a different teacher in K, right?
    V used to be at a preschool that destroyed his self esteem because of lack of understanding/accomodation. The teacher was not mean or anything, she simply did not get it. I pulled him out (after lots of hesitation) and I do not regret it at all. Just mho.
  15. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    An IEP is a LEGAL document (schools hate them) that outlines accomodations for disabled children and Aspergers is a disability, especially since your son seems very clueless about social skills. Your child does not have to be a slow learner to have an IEP. Again, I strongly suggest you find out who your advocate is and talk to her. She will explain everything to you and even contact the school to let them know she is involved. An advocate makes all the difference about whether or not the school district tows the line or punishes your child (and you) for his inability to understand social cues and norms. And that in my opinion is just wrong. My son is on the spectrum. He had an IEP and an advocate. It helped us mucho!

    An IEP can not be disregarded BECAUSE it is a legal document. Nothing else the school implements is a legal document for your child so they can play around with it and with you and your precioius child.
  16. PlainJane

    PlainJane Every dog has his day....

    I'm heading to bed but just wanted to say quick;y that I did call our local SPAN group and left a message with intake and they usually take about 24 hours to call back as per the lady I spoke with. They are the go to people (as per the county) for parent help with IEP and such for my son. Thank you. Hopefully I will hear back from them Monday.