had to stop and chew on this mentally for a couple of hours. Personally? If you have never been to this facility to visit him, I would go. For a very short visit. I would push them to have weekly family therapy if that is possible. Either way, he would be told that you are not his delivery service and if he needs something the staff will let you know and you will then bring it. I would tell him that HIS actions determine if you will visit him/call him/take his calls. If he is rude? You will leave or hang up. If he calls you and if rude/inappropriate? you hang up and don't answer for the evening. I would tell staff that this is how it is going to be.
If you have seen him there already? I wouldn't go. I would tell a nurse or the therapist over the phone that you will go for family therapy with him, but otherwise visits/calls will only happen if he has been appropriate to you and if he stops being appropriate? You will leave immediately.
Do NOT make you visits a trip to Disneyland. No movies, lunches out, whtever. He gets food there. Go and play a game there - take a deck of cards. He can learn to talk with you, play a boardgame or cardgame, etc... If you have him out for lunch and he gets rude or violent, how do you get him back to the facility? Going out for something is to be EARNED with demonstrations that he can and WILL be appropriate for more than an hour or so at a time. If he can't be appropriate on the phone for five min, how could you even entertain the idea that he would be appropriate for two hours at a movie?
Also, if your trips are just fun, fun fun, when he leaves (if he comes home) he will expect that to be the way it is. he won't comply with rules or chores - why should he? For six mos all he did with you was fun stuff? Why should changing where he lives change that - this is how HE will rationalize things. I know because I heard it from my own child.
I thought about the issue of his problems with changes in plans - even if he is the only one who perceives these plans - meaning you shoudl go visit. I can understand how he has problems with changes in plans, etc... Your son is WAY too close to age 18 for you to let him use this as an excuse/rationale for his behavior to you. Real life will mean the cops and jail/prison for those actions, not rewards. He has to get that, understand that, NOW. Otherwise adult life is going to be ugly and painful - sadly that is what some difficult children need.
Don't take him any type of videogames. He is not where he is to have his fave obsessions. He is there because he cannot make safe and appropriate choices. Video games are for those who can make safe and appropriate choices. period. I know I am thought to be a meanie about this, but there is no reason on earth for you to give him something to distract him from what he is there for. NONE. I sure as sugar did not take videogames to my son when he was in the psychiatric hospital, and for the first two years he lived wth my parents I wouldn't let him have his gameboy, D&D stuff, etc... Those things were what he usually got violent about and were, for him, at that time, as dangerous to him as crack would have been. Even my own parents thought I was awful for that. they let him have a LOT that we did not. Then they learned WHY we did not, and lots of those things got locked up.
I would ONLY take things to him that are necessary for life - clothes if his have worn out and were not damaged on purpose. If he damages them on purpose? Tell staff to sit him down wiht a needle and thread (again, NOT joking). Toiletries if STAFF says he needs them. ALL requests for things should be verified by staff - even if staff finds it PITA. If staff says videogames are okay - tell them they are not with you and he doesn't have your permission to have them and you won't bring them regardless of why they want them.
Your difficult child has six precious months to learn what he needs to learn. He won't change if it is too comfy there. So don't make it comfy. don't make your weekends all about him - make them allabout the rest of the family and once in a while visit difficult child. Visits with you and the rest of the family are a PRIVILEGE that he has lost right now. make him EARN you all back in his daily life. I would be up front with him about the fact that how well he does there will determine if you and husband will even CONSIDER letting him come back home until he is 18. He needs to think about that also, in my opinion.