An aha! moment for difficult child

[timer lady]

Fran,

We've all witnessed difficult children growth here - know the ups & downs. This kind of statement from wm or kt would once again humble me; glad that I hadn't given up on working.

You've been my "hero" for quite a while. Your mindset has been such that you can see the end result needed & the road to travel to get there for your difficult child.

Thanks for sharing this with us ~ kinda gives me a bit of hope for the tweedles. AND makes me proud to call you the ultimate warrior mum. You did good Fran.

 

[Fran]

Thanks again. I hope that difficult child with the new supports he has in place will be able to get what he needs to get started. It takes time but maybe that's what he needed.
I keep nudging him to do things outside his comfort zone. Yesterday it was driving my pick up. He only drives his car and is anxious about our cars. He got nudged and he did it. Lots of encouragement and support and reassurance along the way.
We realize that difficult child has a way to go but if he can identify his own weaknesses and get the right tools to handle it he may eventually just blend in. He knows his money skills are a disaster. Hopefully he will continue to let someone else supervise his money and hold him accountable. It's worked for the last year.
I also hope he tries to master some of his issues that hold him back like money. We will see. I planted seeds over the last year. Hopefully they will grow a bit more.

Linda, thank you.All we can do is have a balanced vision of what the future will be and help difficult child to get to that point.

 

[Estherfromjerusalem]

Fran, that is really encouraging, that he had that "aha" moment.

I don't really think that there is any age limit for more "aha" moments. Learning from experience, which is what your difficult child is doing here, never ends. Which is a good reason for cautious optimism. And anyway, he has the best possible guidance in the world with you by his side. You truly are the ultimate warrior mom!

Love, Esther

PS. Are you going to the reunion weekend next week?

 

[TerryJ2]

Doesn't that recharge our batteries

Yes. I like that phrase! So true.

 

[barneysmom]

Fran, I think your son's remarks are very encouraging.

And a compliment like the one he received from another mom always means a lot to me. Moms don't bother to say that kind of stuff unless they really mean it.

Regarding his age, I think he's got lots of time. I've been reading about the neuroplasticity of the brain and how long it lasts (a long time -- a lifetime really) -- and it sounds like your son's brain has a nice amount of plasticity!

I've been reading a lot about teen Asperger's lately as this diagnosis is new to my son. The people on the forums say emotional/developmental age is roughly 2/3 chronological age. So I think your son is doing pretty good. Especially when complicated by a mood disorder and executive function challenges. I know what that's like.

Forgive me if you knew all this already -- when I used to post and read here, you were the forum owner and I know you've been around the block. I hope the 2/3 thing doesn't sound condescending. I personally was greatly relieved when I read that -- explains a lot.

But I'm following in your footsteps and I feel very encouraged for my son after reading your post.

xxoo

 

[Sheila]

This makes my heart sing!

He's going to "get it" yet!

 

[Fran]

Barney's mom, it's been a while since I owned the site.

Your difficult child was just diagnosed with AS? It's difficult to really pull all the different threads away from the rope that is our kids.
It's funny about you hearing 2/3's. When difficult child was in elementary school I always felt he had an 18month lag.

My difficult child seems to have evolved out of a lot of his AS symptoms. His biggest hurdles are executive function and his learning disability in math. He is gregarious and outgoing and not nearly as obsessed with a topic. He is still louder than typical and wants to talk about his interests. His inability to initiate action or a plan is also difficult when work is involved. He knows enough to ask me to write a list. Everything is specific when I give him instructions.

Sheila, I haven't seen you in ages. Thank you.

Esther, I agree life lessons happen all through your life but a light bulb moment to me is when a door to understanding opens. I think the technical term is processing the info and the meaning.

I am happy to share that Wed. night we had some guests over for a retirement dinner. As I was saying good bye, difficult child came into the kitchen and started to clear dishes and load the dishwasher. He even started washing pots. This is big for us. He saw something that needed to be done and actually initiated the action. Not sure a n/t male would do that. Of course, he may have wanted to have company to talk about a subject he likes to talk about, but I'll take the positive and run with it. The kitchen didn't look like when I clean up and there are parts not finished(employment problem) but he did a better job than husband and easy child would have done. The fact that I didn't ask him for help is what really gets me.
So we are riding a wave of hope and positive thinking in our house.

He has always been kind which is an issue we didn't have to deal with. Not every AS teen is able to see kindness beyond the self absorption that is part of the disorder. We did and do have to teach when it's appropriate to help someone before taking care of his own needs. (giving his money to someone who wanted some toy at the detriment of his own budget, or meals.) On the other hand we had to reinforce that sort of learning and balancing with easy child also. Helping and charity is not appropriate when A) it's MY money and not his.B) he doesn't take care of his own basic needs first.

On the other hand, I'm pleased that both of the boys have a sense of reaching out.

 

[SearchingForRainbows]

Fran,

I haven't been around in awhile. It was so nice to return and to read this first thing on a cool, cloudy morning. It just makes me smile...

Like Linda, I look up to you for wisdom and advice when it comes to raising difficult child 2, who in some ways, reminds me of your son. You have made me realize over the past couple of years that my son, even with developmental delays, executive functioning deficits, etc., CAN have a good life. I now know that even though he probably will never be totally self-sufficient, he CAN achieve supported independence and be a productive, happy member of society.

Youmom!!! You NEVER give up. I love how you believe that our kids can learn, we just need to find the right teaching methods. And, your difficult child is proof that this is true...

I'll continue to keep my fingers crossed that your difficult child not only has many more insightful moments, but also that he is able to act on them... SFR

 

[Fran]

Thank you SFR.
I always said I'm looking for my Anne Sullivan for my little (not so little now) Helen Keller. Someone who has a key to how he learns.

Our kids can have a good life but it is based on their degree of disability. What constitutes a good life for one won't for another. Being unproductive and non functioning does not seem like a life to me. Whatever work they do produce gives them direction, social boundaries and a sense of pride.

Hope your son finds his way and his way to be productive.

 

[Stella Johnson]

WOW! Who is he and what did you do with M? I'm calling the police if you don't have him call me in 24 hours. Just kidding.

You did such a wonderful job on him I knew someday it would hit him. Probably not like a ton of bricks more like lightly salting knowing your difficult child. I'm so happy it is sinking in.

I always worried about my difficult child being really good friends with a child that is below her level of learning. I was afraid she would mimic their behaviors. But in M's case it sounds like it was great for him to see what it's like to be lower functioning. Guess he proved me wrong. Give him a big hug from me and the little girl that told him he was fat.

Steph