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An uneasy yet familiar feeling...
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<blockquote data-quote="blackgnat" data-source="post: 626014" data-attributes="member: 13561"><p>Thank you all, as always for the wisdom, the suggestions, the support!</p><p></p><p>I'm doing much better today, trying to live in the moment or rather the day, instead of projecting wildly into the future. This is a lifeskill I'm really trying to learn because I do tend to catastrophize. But then again, the stuff I've feared with my difficult child has often come to pass. He doesn't do anything by halves! </p><p></p><p>He called me at work today and he KNOWS I'm not allowed to have my phone on me (I work with Special Education kids-oh, the IRONY!) and he knows he can't leave a message because jails don't work that way-so WHY did he call? My bowels froze and then I thought I should just damn well get on with the day, so that's what I did.</p><p></p><p>Yesterday I mailed a letter to him and I told him that the calls and care packages had to stop because I am on a limited budget and it will only get stricter during retirement and that I simply can't afford to spend money on him when I need it to pay bills. I needed to write that down, for me as well as for him. I also told him to stay in Colorado, nothing here for him (including me) and that he should use the resources he is offered to build a good life for himself. That I would visit in summer, but that I am Australia bound (YAY) in the fall!</p><p></p><p>I DO need to indulge my free-spirited gypsy fantasies. I don't need much in life and am trying to pare down and live REALLY simply. I'm astonished at what I DON'T need! Maybe because I , like so many of us, have spent so much energy and love and compassion on my kids and of course the difficult child to the extent that there isn't much more to go around. I don't even really KNOW myself because I lived to fix my son and he kept taking until my whole personality was submerged...</p><p></p><p>All of which has been stated so eloquently above and all over this site, by you wonderful posters. Thank you for helping me process all of this and whenever a new dragon rears its head. I know I will feel the fear that comes directly from dealing with him and I don't know if it'll ever go away. I don't think it'll right itself and I truly believe that he doesn't have the inner resources to make it right.</p><p></p><p>They do say that Hope Springs Eternal. Are we all giving up Hope as we morph into the state of Acceptance? That is so sad. Maybe those of you who are in a peaceful place can tell the rest of us that it isn't really sad? Or that it's bittersweet? Sigh...</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="blackgnat, post: 626014, member: 13561"] Thank you all, as always for the wisdom, the suggestions, the support! I'm doing much better today, trying to live in the moment or rather the day, instead of projecting wildly into the future. This is a lifeskill I'm really trying to learn because I do tend to catastrophize. But then again, the stuff I've feared with my difficult child has often come to pass. He doesn't do anything by halves! He called me at work today and he KNOWS I'm not allowed to have my phone on me (I work with Special Education kids-oh, the IRONY!) and he knows he can't leave a message because jails don't work that way-so WHY did he call? My bowels froze and then I thought I should just damn well get on with the day, so that's what I did. Yesterday I mailed a letter to him and I told him that the calls and care packages had to stop because I am on a limited budget and it will only get stricter during retirement and that I simply can't afford to spend money on him when I need it to pay bills. I needed to write that down, for me as well as for him. I also told him to stay in Colorado, nothing here for him (including me) and that he should use the resources he is offered to build a good life for himself. That I would visit in summer, but that I am Australia bound (YAY) in the fall! I DO need to indulge my free-spirited gypsy fantasies. I don't need much in life and am trying to pare down and live REALLY simply. I'm astonished at what I DON'T need! Maybe because I , like so many of us, have spent so much energy and love and compassion on my kids and of course the difficult child to the extent that there isn't much more to go around. I don't even really KNOW myself because I lived to fix my son and he kept taking until my whole personality was submerged... All of which has been stated so eloquently above and all over this site, by you wonderful posters. Thank you for helping me process all of this and whenever a new dragon rears its head. I know I will feel the fear that comes directly from dealing with him and I don't know if it'll ever go away. I don't think it'll right itself and I truly believe that he doesn't have the inner resources to make it right. They do say that Hope Springs Eternal. Are we all giving up Hope as we morph into the state of Acceptance? That is so sad. Maybe those of you who are in a peaceful place can tell the rest of us that it isn't really sad? Or that it's bittersweet? Sigh... [/QUOTE]
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