An unhappy afternoon

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Guidance seeker, Feb 6, 2018.

  1. Things have felt a bit more stable since my son has a flat and is no longer homeless, I have been feeling happier again and had some respite from his drama.

    Today however, he came to my house. He rang the bell and though I didn’t let him in, I told him to go down the road and I would pick him up. I knew he must have again lost his phone as that is the only time he comes to my house. We have a restraining order that he cant come - yes I know I should have just rang the police - but he was battered again - broken nose (I think), Black eye.

    When in the car, he told me that 2 of his friends beat him up - he said he had gone round and they were on drugs and paranoid that he had a gun (I live in the UK and it is very unusual for anyone to have a gun and he didn’t have one of course). They apparently then jumped him and beat him up (it’s now the third time I know of that one of these friends has beaten him up).

    He won’t stop being friends with such awful people. He told me he will stop today but I know he won’t. I think he has a fear of loneliness and boredom - maybe because of his ADHD and autism.

    He contacted his friend (who had also taken his phone again) and arranged to go to get his phone - but suddenly we had to go to 2 other addresses first - he gave reasons like they owed him money etc. When he was at one of the addresses, I checked his facebook messenger that he had left open on my phone and it was his friend telling him to get drugs (it didn’t exactly say that but reading through the lines it was obvious) and then he would give him his phone back. This made me furious that I’d been sucked into ferrying him around to get drugs unknowingly.

    Also while in the car, my son mentioned debts he was in and how no one cares about him, how he will hang himself one day and I would have driven him to it, he fluctuated between crying and shouting and then begging me to let him come home because he can’t cope on his own.

    The whole thing has set me back today and really unsettled me. I feel sucked into his chaos but so worried for him too because he is vulnerable with his friends although he is terrible with me.

    I am not looking for advice as I know what I should have done - I should have contacted the police when he came to the house (hard though when he is battered and just wanted help to get back his phone), I shouldn’t have taken him in the car but I did for the same reason.

    I don’t think I can cope with any judgement and criticism today as I just feel so unsettled and am holding things together as I don’t want my daughter to know I’m upset.

    I just think I’m posting on here because it helps me.

    Once I had dropped him off in the car, an old song came on the radio from my teenage years and I cried, I just remembered that time when my parents were alive and life was so happy and simple.
     
  2. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I'm so sorry you had to go through this and I won't judge you.

    I probably would have done the same thing and felt the same way you feel.

    My son was never one to live on the streets, always went to rehab (again) and it never helped but it was his way out for the time being.

    We love them and that makes us weak but we are only human.

    Hugs that tomorrow will be better. Perhaps see a therapist that specializes in addiction to help you cope if you do not do that already.
     
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  3. strangeworld

    strangeworld Member

    I have no judgement at all. Only compassion for you and your son and your family. I'm so sorry. Mothering takes on a whole other dimension when we are faced with this type of situation. How does anyone know what to do in a moment like this...it's so heartbreaking and anxiety provoking. Our instincts want to help in the moment.... Don't beat yourself up. Remember there are good days and bad days and lots of mediocre days in life . Don't let this bad day make your good days irrelevant. I know how it feels to be going along feeling happier and more productive and grounded (usually when I have very little contact) then BOOM! A setback from hell. I'm learning that there are only days....not guarantees. I'm a slow learner...I was such an idealist when I was young. It is different now from how I used to think when I only had myself to care for. I always knew I would eventually get sober. But when your kid is the one suffering the wrath of drug life you have to take each day as it comes and don't let the horrible ones erase the good ones. You are making strides whether you think so or not. Hugs and prayers for you and your son. Hope he can get on a better path.
     
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  4. Thank you RN0441 and strangeworld, your support is really welcome tonight and helps me a lot.

    Today has shaken me up and I’m torn between worrying about him, anger at his friends and despair at him for continuing to run up drug debts and blame me for everything. My mind seems to jump from one thing to another when I’m feeling stressed.
     
  5. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    GS, I'm so sorry you went thru that experience with your son.

    I made many similar choices when my daughter was homeless and not safe.....sigh.....my heart goes out to you....this is a devastation beyond words......we can only do what our hearts can bear......

    Don't beat yourself up GS, you made a mother's choice....now let it go and be kind to yourself, nourish yourself....worry and fear for our kids takes a lot out of us....take care of YOU now....

    Prayers for you and you son......and big, warm hugs for you GS.
     
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  6. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    GS
    I remember the first time I was brave enough to post on here that I felt I had relapsed in my ability to detach and not enable my son. I got nothing but kindness and support.

    We are mothers and to see our children this way what ever their age is pure torture.

    Do not be so hard on yourself. We do what we can do and you have learned now your sons behaviour is because he is still drugging.

    I pray he finds his way to rehab and help. I also pray you find strength and ability to move forward and do what every toy need to do to forgive yourself and build your boundaries one step at a time.
     
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  7. RE and LBL - thank you. Your support is just what I need.

    Detaching is a gradual process for me and yesterday my mothering instincts got in the way as he had been beaten up and I quickly found myself in his chaos and attempts to manipulate me again.

    I am apprehensive at posting on here when I have lapsed for fear of being judged and criticised but all the comments on this post have helped me so much.

    It’s morning here now, I slept well and feel calm again. Thank you all so much for your support.
     
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  8. so ready to live

    so ready to live Active Member

    Dear Guidance. A good nights sleep does help, doesn't it? Be ever so kind to yourself, this is a safe place.
    I know I also could not have seen my battered son and not responded. That being said, we have hidden in our own house at times in order not to answer the door, not to see his reality. Actually visualizing them beaten is simply too hard... I try to remember that this also is a lesson for him.

    Once when I dared to think things were better again, my son dug my purse out of hiding and went through it. Must have had to close it quickly as he left an item on the bed that could only have come from my purse... the usual excuses, anger and foolishness followed. He dared to say, "you don't understand, it's survival not living" So dramatic to rationalize his position. Duped again because of hope. Our counselor at that time said "well, wasn't that helpful...now you know". Despite my momentary desire to slap the counselor, I came to realize he was so right. Now I know.
    Pack those truths away to pull out when you need them to build your resolve. We're learning too.
    You are a good mom who loves her son. We get it. Hold tight, we're here.
     
  9. Thank you SRTL, my son stole from us too - often.

    I had hiding places for my jewellery, money, even his grandads war medals (he pawned them once and I bought them back).

    Although it’s been 10 months since we put him out, it still feels a bit strange not having to hide things. He would steal again if he came home and has stolen from his dad’s wallet when his dad has been to see him or taken him out.

    I find I’m always looking for signs of improvement with him. I’m always hoping.
     
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I don't judge you at all. I am sad for you. There are no adult services for autistic adults in the UK? Autistic adults are vulnerable. My son has a case manager looking out for him. We look out for him too, even though he lives o .his own. He is so easy to manipulate and so kind-hearted.

    You are just being a mom. We get it. Be easy on yourself.
     
  11. Hi SWOT, yes, there are no adult services for autism in my area. Mental health services don’t think he falls under their care and adult social care referred him to learning disabilities services but I doubt his difficulties will be considered severe enough for them to take him on either.

    Adult social care did offer him a HAWC (Health and Well-being coach) but he didn’t engage with them.

    There is an autism volunteer group in this area, probation referred him to them. They are limited as to what they can do but they do offer support. He meets a lady from there regularly and she has a good rapport with him. She is the only person he has willingly engaged with, when I asked him about this, he said it was because she was the only person who actually understood him.

    He worries me because he is vulnerable but he has treated me, his dad and sister terribly so I’m limited in how I can support him. He rang me tonight asking if we could do something together because he is bored but I declined because he would probably try to manipulate me for money - even if this isn’t his initial intention.

    If he came off drugs, I could work with him and give him more support. He was a different person before the drugs - he has always had difficulties - easily bored, not great at occupying himself, did silly things, emotional and anxious - but he was such an honest, caring, thoroughly decent person. Once drugs were in the mix, he became devious, nasty, aggressive and so dishonest. The change in him hit me like a brick and I don’t know if things will ever get better.
     
  12. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi GS, I am so sorry for these recent events regarding your son. I can relate, as my eldest showed up a few times battered by her lowlife boyfriend. It was completely unnerving and devastating to see her like that. She ended up going right back to him.
    Sigh.
    Be very kind to yourself. It is a tough thing to see our loved ones personality changes, and to worry about the company they keep, and all the “what if’s” attached to the circumstances. No one judges here, I think sometimes replies feel like that when we are at our most vulnerable, and folks who have been there, done that are just being matter of fact as it relates to their own experience. We all have to do what we do and be able to look ourselves in the mirror.
    Drugs, how quickly they can get a hold of people and turn them into someone unrecognizable.
    I wonder the same for my two, if things will get better. They are on the hard stuff, meth, and I have seen the damage it does. Read enough stuff about it too.
    My niece was on it for quite some time. She is in recovery now and has turned her life around. When she was full blown into it, she did some pretty psychotic things. Her folks had no choice but to detach, they had her kids and CPS wouldn’t allow contact. She has told me that was the best thing for her, it forced her to change her ways.
    When I feel down about my two, I pray for them. It helps to ease my troubled heart and mind.
    I hope you can find some peace and respite from your sorrows. Please know that you are not alone.
    There is always hope.
    I will not let go of that.
    Praying for a miracle for us, and our beloveds. May they leave this nonsensical world of drugs and find their true potential.
    May we find our peace no matter what the future holds for them. That is my mission and I feel it is to honor the potential that my two have, to not go down the rabbit hole along with them.
    Keep on keeping on GS, keep building your toolbox and take things one day at a time.
    (((Hugs)))
    Leafy
     
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  13. Thank you Leafy for your support.

    I pray too and it helps me. I agree that looking after ourselves is so important and often it is all we can really control.
     
  14. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    Hey
    I am so sorry to hear all this, I am thinking of you tonight. I wondered where you had gone and was hopeful it was because things were better. You did what your heart could bear today, be kind to yourself- he is your son, whatever. Hopefully soon he too will get tired of this life. Try and sleep tonight, rest helps and remind yourself that you did not cause this, these are his choices and the very fact you are here posting says what a great mum you are. Hugs tonight ! Xx
     
  15. Thank you LIS. We always live in hope that our difficult adult children will change.
    One day I hope to look back on these years and feel thankful that things got better.
     
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