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Parent Emeritus
An update. Good, and not that good.
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 658283" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>That was my thinking. And my son did work, because I pushed him. And he held that fairly responsible job for over a year. </p><p></p><p>My son did not conform to the requirements of the job. His symptoms came to be stronger than his desire to maintain it. Others might say it was a question of ability, not choice. I guess it comes to not matter.</p><p></p><p>Right or wrong, I have felt sometimes that he chose to some extent, to express his distress rather than to seek to remedy it. </p><p></p><p>He kept making this choice again and again, coming to define himself by his issues, anxieties, rather than by strengths or strength of purpose.</p><p></p><p>He qualified for SSI. And lost the need to work. We see this money as enabling, but of course, we do not get a vote. </p><p></p><p>Without the need to conform to the requirements of a job, to go to a job situation that is lousy, my son lacks this important motivator to change. He chooses self-indulgence, because he can.</p><p></p><p>Of course others see things differently than do I. And see factors such as disability whether of character or illness, as limiting, and do not see my son as having free choice. Thus far, I have not let go, my hope that my son will find in himself the where with all to see his options as greater than he does now. </p><p></p><p>What helps is letting it go. Knowing that the doing or not doing has not whit to do with me.</p><p></p><p>The hard part, though is that we speak different languages...about life.</p><p></p><p>Everything I ever got in life I got because my life was lousy, and intolerable. And I wanted more. I cannot remember one thing I wanted (except perhaps a husband, and I never got one) that was not motivated by overcoming or absolute need.</p><p></p><p>My son cannot understand why I do not understand how he feels and why I do not give ultimate importance to his feelings.</p><p></p><p>And I am unable to get him to understand that feelings are not necessarily the defining thing. Responsibilities are, to self and others. Including work. And if we give ourselves a chance, taking on and meeting responsibilities can help us change. </p><p></p><p>There is nobody anymore to whom to make this speech. He really is not interested. And I understand, it is not my business. And to go on and on may in fact be cruel.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 658283, member: 18958"] That was my thinking. And my son did work, because I pushed him. And he held that fairly responsible job for over a year. My son did not conform to the requirements of the job. His symptoms came to be stronger than his desire to maintain it. Others might say it was a question of ability, not choice. I guess it comes to not matter. Right or wrong, I have felt sometimes that he chose to some extent, to express his distress rather than to seek to remedy it. He kept making this choice again and again, coming to define himself by his issues, anxieties, rather than by strengths or strength of purpose. He qualified for SSI. And lost the need to work. We see this money as enabling, but of course, we do not get a vote. Without the need to conform to the requirements of a job, to go to a job situation that is lousy, my son lacks this important motivator to change. He chooses self-indulgence, because he can. Of course others see things differently than do I. And see factors such as disability whether of character or illness, as limiting, and do not see my son as having free choice. Thus far, I have not let go, my hope that my son will find in himself the where with all to see his options as greater than he does now. What helps is letting it go. Knowing that the doing or not doing has not whit to do with me. The hard part, though is that we speak different languages...about life. Everything I ever got in life I got because my life was lousy, and intolerable. And I wanted more. I cannot remember one thing I wanted (except perhaps a husband, and I never got one) that was not motivated by overcoming or absolute need. My son cannot understand why I do not understand how he feels and why I do not give ultimate importance to his feelings. And I am unable to get him to understand that feelings are not necessarily the defining thing. Responsibilities are, to self and others. Including work. And if we give ourselves a chance, taking on and meeting responsibilities can help us change. There is nobody anymore to whom to make this speech. He really is not interested. And I understand, it is not my business. And to go on and on may in fact be cruel. [/QUOTE]
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