Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
An update. Good, and not that good.
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 658686" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I am leery of enabling, too. It feels so right to offer help <em>or advice</em> and its hard to know where that line is between conversing and advising. I've been trying to find that neutral point, that place between breaths feeling, and to take my emotional tone from there.</p><p></p><p>On my clumsier days, I remember: Sit on my lips. Worry is a fast get away on a wooden horse. Sit with the feelings. I don't know, either. If the situation is something I have direct experience of, I can say what I did.</p><p></p><p>And then I have to stop.</p><p></p><p>I remind myself that they are strong, beautiful human beings and that their paths are their own, and that I am just their mom.</p><p></p><p>Just their mom, not their savior.</p><p></p><p>I think we will always feel echoes of the past with our troubled kids. It was a scary time. When we didn't hear from them then, it was because they were in bad, bad trouble. Now when we don't hear, it is because they are establishing independence, and it is crucial that that happens for all of us.</p><p></p><p>We need to learn to be independent, too. </p><p></p><p>So, to counter all of that, and to make myself brave, I tell <em>myself</em> the same things I have been telling the kids, and that is working for me. That they are bright, strong, admirable characters, which is actually true, and that they can do this. I am learning to describe myself with those same kinds of words.</p><p></p><p>This is an important point for me.</p><p></p><p>We are mothering <em>ourselves</em> out of the trauma of what has happened to all of us, too. And here is a secret thing I am learning: <em>We cannot enable ourselves, either. </em>SWOT posted something the other day that she does not get to cheat, around certain issues. That rings true for me around the issue of enabling.</p><p></p><p>We don't get to cheat.</p><p></p><p>We have to be really committed to not enabling and we have to watch for it in our <em>listening</em>. </p><p></p><p>It seems to me that we develop bad go-to parenting responses when the kids are in the kinds of crisis modes our kids have been in, one way or another, for so long. So during this part of our parenting journey, we are reteaching ourselves correct response. That is how I am looking at it. Correct response would include things like joy and fulfillment when we hear from them, but not relief because we heard from them. It is a hard thing not to assess their drug use status, or whether they are in some economic or parenting or relationship challenge from their voices instead of just being happy to hear their voices. It is hard to teach myself not to listen in those old ways. I'm thinking that has to do with staying in the present moment, and with believing we can do this, and with refusing to not trust them <em>now</em>, whatever the past taught us. That takes a kind of courage, a kind of faith in ourselves and our kids. It does for us, because we have had to listen so closely in the past to hear the truth beneath the words we all were using to communicate. "I love you." meant some version of "I'm in trouble and you need to fix it." I have the word "NO" now. But I can still slip into listening in those old ways.</p><p></p><p>So that is where I am working to change my enabling pattern. In my listening. When I can do that, the parameters change and the conversation trends in a different direction.</p><p></p><p>And the funny thing is, I miss that in a way.</p><p></p><p>When that happens, I try to remember to be gentle with myself because I am learning how to do this, too.</p><p></p><p>But I don't get to cheat.</p><p></p><p>I don't get to enable.</p><p></p><p>It's working pretty well, I think. I am not hearing the blood and guts part of anything having to do with their lives, these days. There will even be a place in our conversations where I go silent. Or they do. A place where I make room for a different, and healthier response. It's hard to do that because I don't know, most of the time, what that response could possibly be. So, it's been an awkward process. We are all learning to think differently. It's a version of empty nest syndrome, in a way. Only for so many of us, we are in the position that those eagles whose chicks would not leave the nest are. The eagles took the nest apart from the bottom. Remember that story? We are determined like that too, to make the right things happen for our own chicks to be strong, and to fly into their own lives as they were meant to.</p><p></p><p>I've been a needed mom, a vital pivotal point. We should all have grown beyond that as the kids became their own vital pivotal points but for us, and for so many of us here, there were addictions or illnesses that made that impossible.</p><p></p><p>We are doing that, now.</p><p></p><p>So we don't need to feel guilty or sad. This is the best possible thing that could happen for the kids. I am glad I know the concept "enable". I am developing an idea, a set of descriptors, for when I am doing that. So I think we will all get through this time when we are changing the meanings of the words we use to communicate with one another, too. That is a good way to describe enabling for me. How am I naming the feelings. But not just the bad feelings. The good feelings, too. And part of learning not to enable is to just sit with those, too. Here again, we have all had to learn that bad things come next, when things are going well.</p><p></p><p>But it seems to me that we are all doing pretty well with everything.</p><p></p><p>It's hard to know how to not judge ourselves all the time, to not be trying to feel our ways toward the best "solution".</p><p></p><p>So, that's where I am with enabling.</p><p></p><p>Mostly, I don't get to cheat in my listening.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 658686, member: 17461"] I am leery of enabling, too. It feels so right to offer help [I]or advice[/I] and its hard to know where that line is between conversing and advising. I've been trying to find that neutral point, that place between breaths feeling, and to take my emotional tone from there. On my clumsier days, I remember: Sit on my lips. Worry is a fast get away on a wooden horse. Sit with the feelings. I don't know, either. If the situation is something I have direct experience of, I can say what I did. And then I have to stop. I remind myself that they are strong, beautiful human beings and that their paths are their own, and that I am just their mom. Just their mom, not their savior. I think we will always feel echoes of the past with our troubled kids. It was a scary time. When we didn't hear from them then, it was because they were in bad, bad trouble. Now when we don't hear, it is because they are establishing independence, and it is crucial that that happens for all of us. We need to learn to be independent, too. So, to counter all of that, and to make myself brave, I tell [I]myself[/I] the same things I have been telling the kids, and that is working for me. That they are bright, strong, admirable characters, which is actually true, and that they can do this. I am learning to describe myself with those same kinds of words. This is an important point for me. We are mothering [I]ourselves[/I] out of the trauma of what has happened to all of us, too. And here is a secret thing I am learning: [I]We cannot enable ourselves, either. [/I]SWOT posted something the other day that she does not get to cheat, around certain issues. That rings true for me around the issue of enabling. We don't get to cheat. We have to be really committed to not enabling and we have to watch for it in our [I]listening[/I]. It seems to me that we develop bad go-to parenting responses when the kids are in the kinds of crisis modes our kids have been in, one way or another, for so long. So during this part of our parenting journey, we are reteaching ourselves correct response. That is how I am looking at it. Correct response would include things like joy and fulfillment when we hear from them, but not relief because we heard from them. It is a hard thing not to assess their drug use status, or whether they are in some economic or parenting or relationship challenge from their voices instead of just being happy to hear their voices. It is hard to teach myself not to listen in those old ways. I'm thinking that has to do with staying in the present moment, and with believing we can do this, and with refusing to not trust them [I]now[/I], whatever the past taught us. That takes a kind of courage, a kind of faith in ourselves and our kids. It does for us, because we have had to listen so closely in the past to hear the truth beneath the words we all were using to communicate. "I love you." meant some version of "I'm in trouble and you need to fix it." I have the word "NO" now. But I can still slip into listening in those old ways. So that is where I am working to change my enabling pattern. In my listening. When I can do that, the parameters change and the conversation trends in a different direction. And the funny thing is, I miss that in a way. When that happens, I try to remember to be gentle with myself because I am learning how to do this, too. But I don't get to cheat. I don't get to enable. It's working pretty well, I think. I am not hearing the blood and guts part of anything having to do with their lives, these days. There will even be a place in our conversations where I go silent. Or they do. A place where I make room for a different, and healthier response. It's hard to do that because I don't know, most of the time, what that response could possibly be. So, it's been an awkward process. We are all learning to think differently. It's a version of empty nest syndrome, in a way. Only for so many of us, we are in the position that those eagles whose chicks would not leave the nest are. The eagles took the nest apart from the bottom. Remember that story? We are determined like that too, to make the right things happen for our own chicks to be strong, and to fly into their own lives as they were meant to. I've been a needed mom, a vital pivotal point. We should all have grown beyond that as the kids became their own vital pivotal points but for us, and for so many of us here, there were addictions or illnesses that made that impossible. We are doing that, now. So we don't need to feel guilty or sad. This is the best possible thing that could happen for the kids. I am glad I know the concept "enable". I am developing an idea, a set of descriptors, for when I am doing that. So I think we will all get through this time when we are changing the meanings of the words we use to communicate with one another, too. That is a good way to describe enabling for me. How am I naming the feelings. But not just the bad feelings. The good feelings, too. And part of learning not to enable is to just sit with those, too. Here again, we have all had to learn that bad things come next, when things are going well. But it seems to me that we are all doing pretty well with everything. It's hard to know how to not judge ourselves all the time, to not be trying to feel our ways toward the best "solution". So, that's where I am with enabling. Mostly, I don't get to cheat in my listening. Cedar [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
An update. Good, and not that good.
Top