an update - not so good

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by missy44, May 21, 2009.

  1. missy44

    missy44 New Member

    Well, difficult child quit his job (or was fired), has not continued to keep his end of the bargain with the gym, doctor's appointments, counselling, etc... He will most likely be homeless by the end of the month (he bounced a cheque to his landlady), skipped out on paying his cell bill, spent the money that he did have on partying, eating out and clothing. Now he's asking to move back home with us. My husband is saying "no way", "I can't do this right now", "what's changed", and so on. I must say I feel exactly the same. I know my difficult child is depressed (I believe it's mild because he's not too depressed to party and hang out with his friends).
    If he were really trying to find a job (he's handed out 4 or 5 resumes in the last 2 months) then maybe I would feel differently. He spent every cent he's had and just didn't pay his bills, he was banking on Mommy bailing him out. Now I have to be strong and not allow him to come back to my home. I am still keeping the door open for visits for dinner and such, but no living under our roof. He has to get a job and show some significant improvement with his decisions before we would even consider it.

    Advice please... I have written numerous posts, things were looking so good. I knew deep down it was too good to be true just yet.

    Another things, he is seeing a psychiatrist and has seen 2 additional counsellors. One counsellor works specifically with substance abuse issues, I have been told by both counsellors now that they do not feel my difficult child's issue is drugs. I know he's smoking tons of pot and drinking, why do people say it isn't a problem? Am I missing something. They psyc says nothing, just says that my son needs a drug card so he can prescribe medications.

    Sorry I'm all over the place, I'm at work, rushed, but needed to write something.

  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Missy, I got the same idiotic advice with my drug using daughter. I suggest going to narc-anon. I feel you'll get more concrete, realistic help and not so much psychobabble, which doesn't help drug abusing kids. My guess is your son is doing more than pot and drinking. Most of the time, they are, if they get to this point.

    I wouldn't sweat over the job. Until he is clean, he isn't going to hold a good job. It has to be the other way around. You are doing a good job. Don't believe everything you are told, even by therapists. They tend to have their own ideas--some are very liberal and give out silly advice. We were told to trust our daughter more although she'd lie to us with tears in her eyes and steal us blind. We disregarded that advice.
  3. Star*

    Star* call 911


    WELL GOOD TO HEAR FROM YOU GIRL!!!!! Wondered what happened to you and your son. And ahhhhh yes....the rollercoaster ride that is our children rears it's ugly head.

    I have often wondered over the years if I took Dude in one day to 5 psychiatrists and said "Will you give me your opinion of what his problem is?" how many answers I would have gotten to exactly what is wrong with my kid. I'd bet that you would get five opinions all varying from one to another. I thought of my son for so many years like a Rubics Cube. You know, if I could solve one problem, then another, then another I could put him in working order.

    In theory? It's a nice thought or an organized one at best. Kids and people just don't get healed like that. There are SO many variances and factors that are different - psychiatrists have a good working idea and a lot of models but nothing really can prepare you for a kid like ours. There just really isn't enough study done. So we're left with cookie cutter - solutions that just done fit. Our therapist said one cure fits all - does not apply to Dude. He was right.

    I can't live with my son. I love him. I would do ANYTHING for him. But I can't live with him. If I can have a day with him - 8 hours where we actually get along and have fun? It's a bonus. And I live for the good days. I keep their memory right up front for when the ugly child returns and everyone throws their hands up in the air and says "THAT IS IT. or I AM DONE WITH HIM." well ya know - I'd like to be done with that particular part of him too - the yelling, the YOU NEVER LISTEN, the screaming, the threatining to break things - and all that carp. But they're a part of him.

    So I do like you do - I tell him DINNER? Anytime. (mostly) and as far as living with us? DF makes it VERY CLEAR that he will NEVER live with us again. Which to a point is fine - but when you start to drive that point into the wall? Makes me think I have 2 difficult child's - lol.

    There is in most cities a day labor place. Doesnt sounds so romatic - but it's a cash daily system. I remember the first time someone told ME to tell DUde about that and I thought "Yeah ? My kid is brighter than THAT." and then I drove by - and saw people out there who had jobs, lost them - and were dressed VERY nicely - for construction labor posiitions.

    I think the key to the success in having your kids move out is keeping them out. I kept telling myself IF you take him back? He'll never leave. He'll be 50 and still living here. While it doesn't bother me that he's 18 and would/could move back home now - if I did let him I'm setting the stage for having an adult difficult child living with me in my golden years. Not gonna happen and I'd rather have the hard stuff happen now - while he's young and can make it happen than to coddle him and try to push him out when he's 40, 50 - and sharing my polygrip.

    I have to tell my inner Mom to shut up - and let my outer rhino skin talk for me sometimes. So I'll send you my extra rhino skin suit.

    Dinner? fine - Living with you again? NO. Suggesting that his choices got him where he is and figure it out? PRICELESS......(really it is)

  4. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    If I recall he turned his back on his successful life and began to smoke and drink etc. My memory does not include violent or illegal activities when I think of you and your son. So...although I agree that you should stick to your guns about not living at home, on the other hand it seems like you or your husband might consider helping him find a safe place to be. For him to struggle with-o funds or healthy friends seems like a blueprint for disaster to me. He is actively participating with professionals. That is HUGE, in my humble opinion. I would want him to "see" that he has the support of his parents for all the "right" choices he is making. Maybe I am being too subjective as my easy child/difficult child also was a happy achiever before the pot etc. but unlike kids who never have had the highs of achievement, part of me thinks "once a winner always a possible winner again". DDD
  5. ML

    ML Guest

    No advice, I'm clueless most of the time with tough love but I'm on a crash course and trying to learn fast. Lots of hugs of support xo ML