An update

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by witzend, Nov 4, 2007.

  1. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    husband and I continue to go to couples therapy. We are learning to be a couple again, I guess. It's not easy. If your husband wasn't terribly supportive of you when you had kids at home, he probably won't be terribly supportive of you when you don't, either.

    Don't get me wrong, he's not mean or abusive. He's just thoughtless and lazy. It's terribly hard to keep the momentum forward moving when you have reached the last straw and he's just now figuring out that I really mean it when I say I've had it. He's still taking his anti-depressants, and they seem to be helping him to an extent. But he's supposed to be on hormones for severely low testosterone and he just won't take it with any regularity. Then he can't figure out why he doesn't have any energy. Or sex drive. Or drive of any kind. He's so easily distracted when it comes time to get anything helpful around the house or yard done. It's just a never-ending battle of nagging from me, pouting from him, yada yada yada. I have to admit, it's hard to get excited about trying to fix this when he isn't, either.

    L called Friday to tell me that she had been fired. I kind of knew that was coming. She's so self-assured but has so little job experience to back it up. She told me a couple of weeks ago that she wasn't getting along well with another girl there at the office who had more time in with the company than she had. I met someone last night who is looking for someone in a bank job to call in on questionable electronic funds transfers. The lady works in collections. L would be good at collections. She's kind of a snot.

    I'm not worried about L, because I know that one way or another she'll figure it out. Or daddy will bail her out. Hopefully she'll figure it out. What can I say? She's not married to someone she doesn't love, she's not pregnant. It's not all bad.

    So, I guess I have the ultimate answer to "how do you detach?" "Lower your expectations."

  2. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    That's also the answer to "how do you deal with disappointment".

    While reading about your husband, a thought of a plaque that my grandma had hanging in her kitchen.

    It says "I try to live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed bump!"

    Could not get that image out of my head for some reason...
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I think I also need that plaque BBK. Except I'm just trying to live life at a normal pace, while husband is the speed bump. lol

    Witz, at least husband is willing to go to therapy. Mine wouldn't/won't even back when we had insurance. Excuses. Nor will he even consider hormone therapy. You'd think I was attacking his masculinity. :rolleyes: So I have a 59 yr old husband who walks around acting like he's pushing 80. sigh

    Sorry to hear about L's job. Collections might be right up her alley. Either way, she'll get it figured out eventually.

  4. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Wow!! Sounds like you are really looking at things differently. Good for you.

    Sorry you are married to a speed bump :smile:
    Hope he gets something out of the counseling.
  5. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">So, I guess I have the ultimate answer to "how do you detach?" "Lower your expectations." </div></div>

    :rofl: You crack me up Witz.
  6. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    I would hire people and let husband pay for work to be done.
  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    After all that medications have done for our son, my husband did NOT argue with me when I told him to go to the doctor and get SOMETHING done to help him.

    He now has little packets of gel to rub on after a shower. It is a BIG help, along with his lexapro. Still he seemed like a little old man so I sent him BACK to the doctor. He got a sleep study and WOWEE the energy after a night with the machine thingy. It is amazing!!!

    Now we wait to get me all patched up and functional. I ama the speed bump, trying not to make the pain worse, therapy NOT helping.

  8. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: ant'smom</div><div class="ubbcode-body">I would hire people and let husband pay for work to be done. </div></div>

    If I had the money I would. But we don't. I told him this weekend that he needs to decide if we need to sell the house and move someplace that's less work. His knee-jerk reaction was to say no. I told him to really think about it and tell me again later.
  9. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: witzend</div><div class="ubbcode-body">

    Don't get me wrong, he's not mean or abusive.

    Haha...I have to tell you a story. I DJ'd a lesbian wedding yesterday. They were the happiest couple I've seen in a long time. Such a great group. I left the event and was starving so stopped in a neighborhood pub. I sit down to this really scary biker-looking guy. After a bit we strike up a conversation and he is telling me that his girlfriend was really mad at him all day because he got home late last night. He finally says, "Guys really :censored2:. Really, we do. We're just insensitive bastar*s."

    I bust a gut laughing. He was NOT joking.

  10. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Witz, I feel for you and don't envy your next few months as you make some life choices (or not, if you decide "not"). I went through that a few years ago. The thought of never feeling passion again; of not knowing love and support the way I needed it expressed was the driving force behind my decision to get a divorce.

    It hasn't been easy. It's hard and it can be lonely. I haven't met *the man* yet but I am dating :highvoltage: . It is not for the feint of heart, that's for sure.

    I wish it hadn't come to that for me, but it did. I hope it doesn't come to that for you. I will send good thoughts that your husband takes your needs seriously and is willing to work on them. You will both be happier for the effort.

  11. tracy551

    tracy551 New Member

    I think the hardest thing about my husband is that I have no support when it comes to difficult child. He just would rather separate himself fromthe whole situation. Yes he went for a few visits, at first. I think that was to just see what the place was like, to be nosey.
    I know in my situation husband is sometimes just useless as a parent. Whoops....did I say that!!!
  12. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Thanks, all. We have our bi-weekly therapy tomorrow. I think that Abbey's new friend is right. Some guys are just b**tards. I don't even think of ending our marriage, but some parts of it sure feel like they are over. I like the head banging avatars some of you are using!

    Tracy, I'm sorry that your husband is so disconnected. From my experience, I think that it's not likely he will be involved in other things that don't directly relate to him.

    I just don't get it. When women are self-centered it's always so obvious. So many men are so subtle you wouldn't even know. How do they do that?
  13. Chele

    Chele New Member


    I feel the same as you. My husband has depression and is entirely not motivated to work around the house. I found that if I tell him that I am setting an appointment for an estimate, that he has to be home to meet with them and pay for it, then it gets his attention. I just state, you need to do it by blank date or I'm setting the appointment. If he choices to do it, we go to the calendar right then and pick the date. I don't nag anymore, it just make me angry and I get nothing solved except a good old fight. I just do the above a few times, and when I talk of a new project he listens and jumps. I appreciate the money issue, but if he needed up putting one small hired project on the credit card, he will probably get a bit more motivated the next time you say will will do it. We, too, have discussed selling the house and getting a condo, still pending on that one.

    I personally don't think you should lower your expectations or detach on either issue. I think you deserve to have half of the house work done by him or his hired help and I think any woman deserves to have per personal female needs met as well.

    I finally sat him down one night with a list of all the chores that needed to be done regularly and we divided then up equally. I set the days and times of our chores to be the same as much as possible so I can say, OK-- lets do our chores and then we can watch a movie together or eat together- whatever. Once I stated helping him to get organized and set the routine, he got used to it and does it right them. Its the big projects like painting, outside work, etc. that I have to deal with each project separately. Its a bit tiring but if the job gets done, I am happy.

    My husband was on depression medication that did lower his sex drive and we got it changed. He has never been an affectionate person from day one, I guess, I never really needed that.

    Maybe you could get his hormone medication in a container and give it to him with his meals, and nicely make remarks of how you REALLY don't want him to stop taking it, because of.... you finish the sentence. I would try to make it fun and light hearted maybe. I have to take hormone pills because I have too much testosterone. So- its really nothing to be ashamed of. I just joke about it and say things like, I better not forget my pills, I may turn into a man any day..

    Last thought- I know when my husband is under more stress or upset, he gets more depressed, withdrawn, sleeps more and less motivated. Over the years, depression levels can change and he has had to have his medication changed a few times due to parents death, work issues and kid stress. I sure have learned a lot, there sure is no cure and its an ongoing battle and maybe he just needs some adjusting on his medications. MY husband also has sleep apna and is preparing to get his first air mask. I hear that they really can help with energy, memory and blood pressure issues.

    Good luck, hope I helped some.