Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by toughlovin, Jul 8, 2011.

  1. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    OK I have been thinking about this analagy lately... it is part of understanding my role now in my difficult children life. So it is like my difficult child is driving the car and I am the passenger. I can give him directions and guidance but as the driver he decides if he wants to follow them. He is in the drivers seat of his own life, and I can watch where he is going and make suggestions but the driving decisions are not up to me! And if he is going in a direction i like then I can help pay for gas.... ie help him pay for school or other things that are going in a positive direction. On the other hand if he is driving craziy, out of control, going the wrong way on the street it is time for me to get out of the so that I don't get hurt too. I can't keep him from doing that but i do not need to stay in the car.And I guess there are times when you take the keys if you can... ie call the police, bring charges etc. and let the legal system handle it.
  2. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well, I have mixed feelings about the analogy. I don't think of you as a passenger, but as another driver on the road. If you look at yourself as a passenger, that gives him control over your life ... it means his decisions affect you because you're along for the ride. He crashes, you crash with him, you may not have time to get out of the car before you get hurt. You need to stay out the car, from my perspective.

    As another driver, you can lead by example. You can model how to drive responsibly, give him directions when he gets lost, offer to help when he breaks down. But if he breaks down because he didn't pay attention to the gas gauge, or didn't change the oil frequently enough, that's on him. At least you're not stranded with him, if you're not in the car. If he ignores your directions and gets lost anyway, you're not lost with him. If he's driving drunk and hurts someone, he might get arrested for DUI or assault.. but at least you're not an accessory.

    I think detachment means, staying in your own car :) He can choose to follow, or not.
  3. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Yes yes yes.... I like what you are saying. We need to stay out of the car all together.... but can lead him if he wants to follow or not.
  4. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    To take the analogy a step further.. as another driver on the road, you have to also be careful that his irresponsible driving doesn't cause *you* to veer off the road and have an accident, or worse yet, hit you head-on and cause serious injury. That means keeping your distance [emotionally] when his driving becomes so dangerous that it puts your own safety in jeopardy.
  5. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    I think I needed to read this thread today. I've been in the car too long. Heck, I've been locked in the DANGED trunk too long....
  6. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    And if he is following you and he takes a wrong turn he needs to find his dont need to follow him, try to rescue him and get yourself lost too!
  7. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    I like this!
  8. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    LOVE that - SO fitting!
  9. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    And what i am reminding myself of today...if they are driving crazy, or changing lanes a lot and not signallying , ie communicating, it is often best to stay out of their way.
  10. Star*

    Star* call 911

    I need to start from the beginning .......Did he earn the money and buy the car himself or did you get the car for him? (ducks potentially ugly stare) Well.....I just needed to know where he GOT said car.
  11. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    LOL star... He does NOT have a car!!! This is an analogy so if he had a car to drive and was driving it.... but no he has a bicycle.. He paid for the bike and my husband got him a light and a bike lock. LOL. We are NOT buying him a car, and my husband is on the same page as me on that score. I don't know how much he is riding the bike because he is not keeping in touch with me right now... not answering my couple of texts which bugs me.... but I need to let it go and remember what will be will be. He knows we are here and I need to keep going on with my life driving my own car. :)
  12. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    This is really good stuff. A great way to put it so you can visualize it in a very easy to understand way.