Sig, it is so difficult to hear those things about your son but I'm glad the therapist was frank with you. It's also difficult and almost impossible to believe that your own child could hurt you in some way, and yet many of us have locked ourselves behind closed doors and hidden weapons. There were times when I was honestly afraid to be in the house with my difficult child alone when husband traveled. And there were so many itmes when he came rushing home from work or cut business trips short because of that. So I surely understand the term being held hostage.
Great idea to make the list of responses because you know that call will come. And when it does it would be good to have a list of treatment centers that you have checked so that if he is truly serious about recovery he can go directly. When difficult child texted me that fateful day begging to come home it was all I could do to keep it together. She begged and cried and said she would do whatever we asked and I still had to say no. But I told her where to go for help and I thank God everyday that she called them and went. If I had let her back in we would still be doing that addict dance and she would not be in recovery. It took nerves of steel to turn her away but it was done with love and hope. And that's what you will need to be prepared to do. It can be the worst and the best day of both your lives.
You asked what living a sober lifestyle means. I think what the therapist is referring to is difficult child should be in a treatment program and living the recovery lifestyle. What that means to me, from watching difficult child and others in the sober community, is accepting and admitting that he is an addict, actively participating in a recovery treatment program, and living in a sober environment and not asking to leave which means accepting the fact that he may never return home, but rather get a job and continue living his life as a sober person with sober people. In our area that means upon release from a 30-90 day treatment facility, entering sober home for at least 6 months during which time he will get a job and start learning how to live sober in the community, and finally finding more stable living arrangements. At that point some of the people we know do move back home to save money or go back to school but that is after almost a year of living the sober lifestyle and regaining some of the trust they lost with their loved ones.
I'm sorry you don't have sober houses in your area. I guess we are very lucky because we have many and more are opening every day. Perhaps that is because we are the birthplace of AA. I would check in your closest big city and hopefully you will find some. But a good treatment center will also have places available to go to upon release so if you find several treatment centers that are acceptable you can ask for referrals.
This is very premature but what it will mean to your family is that in the way of support you will not be able to have any alcohol in your home nor should you drink in his presence. You should be prepared to attend the family program at the treatment center if they have one and actively work on your recovery through al-anon or parent support groups.
But of course the first thing is to get through these next few months or however long it takes for him to hit bottom, and to realize your life is not over and you have a wonderful family that needs you to be strong and happy for them. People will tell you to stop looking at his cell phone records but the truth is you won't be able to stop right now. I did the same thing. I was obsessed with knowing what she was doing but then when I found out I was worried out of my mind. Eventually you will stop, you will realize there is nothing you can do and it isn't helping. But for now it is all too raw and you are still in crisis mode, you still want to fix it, to stop it.
I also sent a letter to the attorney general when a store gave difficult child a credit card when she had no money, only a part time job where she worked anywhere from 6-15 hours a week, and no established credit. I called the store and spoke with the manager and then called the main office. None if it made any difference but I felt better. Fortunately I got the credit card in the mail and destroyed it.
If there is any way to get through this pain easier I don't know it. But I do know you will get through it, and while it won't happen for a while, eventually you will cry less and each day will get easier.
Nancy
