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And he's out......
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 626905" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>I believe this is a positive step for you JKF. You've realized that you have this new boundary and you are exercising it. As COM and others have said, limiting our exposure to our difficult child's turns out to be one of our major tools to heal and feel better. </p><p></p><p>For me, the reality that my daughter resides in is so diametrically opposed to my values and my sense of honor and what is right and wrong, that being in her sphere of influence is harmful to me. It took me a long time to see this, but in fact, I would venture to say, it's toxic to me. I had to make a very difficult choice to stay clear of that energy, for my own good. Without empathy or the recognition of the consequences of ones behavior or the ability to rationally think things through, I end up feeling as if I am being held hostage in a bizarre alternate universe where none of my ideals and values matter. That may be mental illness as in my daughter's case, or it might be substance abuse, but if the person is unwilling to seek help or to change, then I am compelled to remove myself for my own well being.</p><p></p><p>Once we recognize that all of our efforts to change our difficult child's, to help them, to make it better for them, to bring them over to our way of thinking, fail.........that door closes and now we're left with just the reality of who they are and how that impacts us. The way I see it now is that my difficult child cannot live in my reality and I cannot live in hers. Neither one of us can make that transition. We live in different worlds. </p><p></p><p>What's left to do then is to accept that. </p><p></p><p>You're moving through all the same steps many one of us here have............sometimes one minute at a time. But, you've moving. These are hard realizations, but necessary ones if we are to live in any kind of peace again. </p><p></p><p>I've observed you for a long time do all the right and loving things for your difficult child, as we all must do........... and then you've moved to the next step. You gave him an enormous opportunity, once again, to live with his grandfather, have his own apartment and a job. He made the choices that ended that opportunity and in the process he hurt people. At some point, as with my daughter and other difficult child's, their actions ultimately catch up with them and then consequences are forced on them. It is inevitable. They can always change and your difficult child is young, however, it is important for you to stay the course and continue detaching, because now it's about you and how you respond. It is not about difficult child. </p><p></p><p>Use all the tools you have in your arsenal, limit your responses as you've been doing and make sure you take very good care of <em><u>you</u></em> every single day, all the time. Take the focus off of him and put it on yourself now. We're here for you as you go through this transition. You're doing a good job, as always. Hang in there...............hugs...........</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 626905, member: 13542"] I believe this is a positive step for you JKF. You've realized that you have this new boundary and you are exercising it. As COM and others have said, limiting our exposure to our difficult child's turns out to be one of our major tools to heal and feel better. For me, the reality that my daughter resides in is so diametrically opposed to my values and my sense of honor and what is right and wrong, that being in her sphere of influence is harmful to me. It took me a long time to see this, but in fact, I would venture to say, it's toxic to me. I had to make a very difficult choice to stay clear of that energy, for my own good. Without empathy or the recognition of the consequences of ones behavior or the ability to rationally think things through, I end up feeling as if I am being held hostage in a bizarre alternate universe where none of my ideals and values matter. That may be mental illness as in my daughter's case, or it might be substance abuse, but if the person is unwilling to seek help or to change, then I am compelled to remove myself for my own well being. Once we recognize that all of our efforts to change our difficult child's, to help them, to make it better for them, to bring them over to our way of thinking, fail.........that door closes and now we're left with just the reality of who they are and how that impacts us. The way I see it now is that my difficult child cannot live in my reality and I cannot live in hers. Neither one of us can make that transition. We live in different worlds. What's left to do then is to accept that. You're moving through all the same steps many one of us here have............sometimes one minute at a time. But, you've moving. These are hard realizations, but necessary ones if we are to live in any kind of peace again. I've observed you for a long time do all the right and loving things for your difficult child, as we all must do........... and then you've moved to the next step. You gave him an enormous opportunity, once again, to live with his grandfather, have his own apartment and a job. He made the choices that ended that opportunity and in the process he hurt people. At some point, as with my daughter and other difficult child's, their actions ultimately catch up with them and then consequences are forced on them. It is inevitable. They can always change and your difficult child is young, however, it is important for you to stay the course and continue detaching, because now it's about you and how you respond. It is not about difficult child. Use all the tools you have in your arsenal, limit your responses as you've been doing and make sure you take very good care of [I][U]you[/U][/I] every single day, all the time. Take the focus off of him and put it on yourself now. We're here for you as you go through this transition. You're doing a good job, as always. Hang in there...............hugs........... [/QUOTE]
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