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And I'm officially done being a parent.
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 676482" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Oh SeaGenie, I'm just getting caught up here. </p><p></p><p>First, I'm so sorry for your high hopes that night about dinner and doing something nice for him. It's so hard when we get vulnerable again...and then get kicked in the teeth...again. </p><p></p><p>I think there is a certain point that we come to, and clearly you are at that point, when done is done. I think that is a good place to get to. It's painful and sad, and there may be a time of grieving for you after your anger and hurt have subsided, but in many ways, I think it's a base relief as well.</p><p></p><p>I got to that point with Difficult Child multiple times. I saw it as moving the "football" a few more yards down the field toward the goal line, for me. </p><p></p><p>The more things he did, the more I detached. That was good for me and for him. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>He "hates" you because you won't do what he wants, whatever that is at the moment. If you had said No to the battery, it would have been that. On and on.</p><p></p><p>Stepping back, it's like you are trying to wrestle a lion. It's not going to come out well. You approach it with love and reason and giving it one...more...chance...with good boundaries, just having a dinner. He does what he does, all over again. It isn't rational, and it will never be rational until he grows up, changes, gets help and treatment, and decides to become an adult. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I also understand how we give them One Million Chances. We love them. We have taken care of them all their lives. It's very understandable why it takes us so long to detach.</p><p></p><p>But now you are here, in the land of Detachment. This is a good place for you to be. So...what's next for you?</p><p></p><p>I think this can be a wonderful time of your life, a time of great change, peace, and fulfillment, and perhaps along that way, a time of feeling your feelings about him, letting go of him, coming to terms with all you did and tried to do, coming to terms with the fact that people have choices (including you!), and we have only one life and let's live it to our fullest. </p><p></p><p>Last night Difficult Child came over to eat leftovers with me. As I've posted here, he is doing much better. But...there are still frustrations for me with him, and so I have to gear up to be with him. Last night, I voiced some of my observations about his quest for health insurance. In the end, we both smiled at each other and said Yes, that's about right. Then, we watched the NFL Network for about 20 minutes and talked football. Then he left and we hugged and said I Love you. </p><p></p><p>Who ever would have thought in a million years? I am testing out my ability to be honest with him about what I see (when it involves me), accepting him for who he is, celebrating his successes with him, letting him walk out the door with all of his health problems, and saying I'm sure you'll be fine and figure it out. </p><p></p><p>It's both a relief and slightly strange. I see him growing up and learning a lot about what it means to be an adult. My job...still..is to stand back as much as I can possibly can. He has some big challenges ahead, health-wise, and his dad and I will help with those. </p><p></p><p>We never know how things will turn out. We can only live our own lives and do our very best to figure out what works for us. You now have a chance to live YOUR OWN LIFE and discover how great it can be.</p><p></p><p>We're here for you as you start this next Chapter. Warm hugs today.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 676482, member: 17542"] Oh SeaGenie, I'm just getting caught up here. First, I'm so sorry for your high hopes that night about dinner and doing something nice for him. It's so hard when we get vulnerable again...and then get kicked in the teeth...again. I think there is a certain point that we come to, and clearly you are at that point, when done is done. I think that is a good place to get to. It's painful and sad, and there may be a time of grieving for you after your anger and hurt have subsided, but in many ways, I think it's a base relief as well. I got to that point with Difficult Child multiple times. I saw it as moving the "football" a few more yards down the field toward the goal line, for me. The more things he did, the more I detached. That was good for me and for him. He "hates" you because you won't do what he wants, whatever that is at the moment. If you had said No to the battery, it would have been that. On and on. Stepping back, it's like you are trying to wrestle a lion. It's not going to come out well. You approach it with love and reason and giving it one...more...chance...with good boundaries, just having a dinner. He does what he does, all over again. It isn't rational, and it will never be rational until he grows up, changes, gets help and treatment, and decides to become an adult. I also understand how we give them One Million Chances. We love them. We have taken care of them all their lives. It's very understandable why it takes us so long to detach. But now you are here, in the land of Detachment. This is a good place for you to be. So...what's next for you? I think this can be a wonderful time of your life, a time of great change, peace, and fulfillment, and perhaps along that way, a time of feeling your feelings about him, letting go of him, coming to terms with all you did and tried to do, coming to terms with the fact that people have choices (including you!), and we have only one life and let's live it to our fullest. Last night Difficult Child came over to eat leftovers with me. As I've posted here, he is doing much better. But...there are still frustrations for me with him, and so I have to gear up to be with him. Last night, I voiced some of my observations about his quest for health insurance. In the end, we both smiled at each other and said Yes, that's about right. Then, we watched the NFL Network for about 20 minutes and talked football. Then he left and we hugged and said I Love you. Who ever would have thought in a million years? I am testing out my ability to be honest with him about what I see (when it involves me), accepting him for who he is, celebrating his successes with him, letting him walk out the door with all of his health problems, and saying I'm sure you'll be fine and figure it out. It's both a relief and slightly strange. I see him growing up and learning a lot about what it means to be an adult. My job...still..is to stand back as much as I can possibly can. He has some big challenges ahead, health-wise, and his dad and I will help with those. We never know how things will turn out. We can only live our own lives and do our very best to figure out what works for us. You now have a chance to live YOUR OWN LIFE and discover how great it can be. We're here for you as you start this next Chapter. Warm hugs today. [/QUOTE]
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