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...and it all falls apart
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 630912" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Lil, you mention your ex-husband, his father, and his problems with life. Is he an alcoholic or drug addict? </p><p></p><p>Your son's many problems you describe could be all related to addiction. You say he is really smart and capable but was always a difficult child.</p><p></p><p>My son, too. Exactly the same MO. </p><p></p><p>Lil, I am sure you are wracking your brain trying to figure out who, what, how, when and why all of this stuff happened or is happening with your son.</p><p></p><p>Addiction would explain ALL of it. Every single bit of it. </p><p></p><p>And in time, if it is true, it will be revealed. You don't have to know it or figure it out today, but I just mention it because if you're like I was, I used to spend hours and hours and hours---in the middle of the night especially----trying to figure out what in the world was wrong with my son. </p><p></p><p>My son was a hard baby. He had colic and formula intolerance. Then he was clingy. He was shy. He didn't like new situations. He didn't like separations. He was almost too perfect in elementary school. Then he became the class clown. Then he started pushing the envelope and getting into trouble in middle school. He liked the attention, even negative attention. I know my son is anxious, he worries a lot about things, he bites and picks his fingernails down to the quick, he likes to have complete control over his life, so his life has gotten very small so he can control it all....on and on. </p><p></p><p>Things just got worse and worse and worse with him after high school. The lying, the deceptions, the stealing, the cigarette smoking (Mom, I don't smoke, you know how much I HATE cigarettes and always have, remember how much I've always talked about hating smoking---you are smelling my friends who smoke---that's why my car is full of burn marks and ashes, because all of my friends, they are so stupid to smoke, they're the ones....and I believed it for a long, long time Lil. He HAD always talked negatively about smoking, so I believed him. Wrong: he was smoking all long, and lying about it straight to my face with persuasive stories).</p><p></p><p>I realize today there is so much I don't know about the things he has done. In fact, I would guess that I maybe know 20 percent of it. </p><p></p><p>I used to think he was just lazy, just immature, just needed more time to grow up, just needed a firmer hand, just needed to get through college, just needed to find a nice girlfriend...just needed, just needed, just needed....when in fact, all of it, every single bit of it, I believe today, is related to addiction.</p><p></p><p>It's genetic. He is a lot like his dad. Always has been. And he has his dad's genes, and his paternal grandfather's genes, and my maternal grandmother's genes, and my brother's genes, all of these people have the disease of addiction. </p><p></p><p>Lil, maybe your son isn't an addict, I have no idea. I just mention this to you because if it is the case, and he is using drugs to self-medicate and he can't stop, then he will have to have recovery before anything will change.</p><p></p><p>Addiction is a progressive disease. It doesn't stay the same. It gets worse without treatment.</p><p></p><p>And of course, you can't make him go to treatment or force him to accept any kind of help. I know, I've been there done that. I have manipulated my son into treatment more than once, and it's a colossal waste of time and money and hope and effort.</p><p></p><p>So, in the end, it circles back to just letting go. Just letting go. The hardest single thing in the world to do, when you love someone and you continue to watch them self-destruct, make bad decisions, do stupid things and leave a trail of destruction in their wake. </p><p></p><p>Warm hugs Lil. Strength for the journey. It' all about progress, not perfection. If you haven't yet gone to Al-Anon, you might try going there, and see if it's a good place for you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 630912, member: 17542"] Lil, you mention your ex-husband, his father, and his problems with life. Is he an alcoholic or drug addict? Your son's many problems you describe could be all related to addiction. You say he is really smart and capable but was always a difficult child. My son, too. Exactly the same MO. Lil, I am sure you are wracking your brain trying to figure out who, what, how, when and why all of this stuff happened or is happening with your son. Addiction would explain ALL of it. Every single bit of it. And in time, if it is true, it will be revealed. You don't have to know it or figure it out today, but I just mention it because if you're like I was, I used to spend hours and hours and hours---in the middle of the night especially----trying to figure out what in the world was wrong with my son. My son was a hard baby. He had colic and formula intolerance. Then he was clingy. He was shy. He didn't like new situations. He didn't like separations. He was almost too perfect in elementary school. Then he became the class clown. Then he started pushing the envelope and getting into trouble in middle school. He liked the attention, even negative attention. I know my son is anxious, he worries a lot about things, he bites and picks his fingernails down to the quick, he likes to have complete control over his life, so his life has gotten very small so he can control it all....on and on. Things just got worse and worse and worse with him after high school. The lying, the deceptions, the stealing, the cigarette smoking (Mom, I don't smoke, you know how much I HATE cigarettes and always have, remember how much I've always talked about hating smoking---you are smelling my friends who smoke---that's why my car is full of burn marks and ashes, because all of my friends, they are so stupid to smoke, they're the ones....and I believed it for a long, long time Lil. He HAD always talked negatively about smoking, so I believed him. Wrong: he was smoking all long, and lying about it straight to my face with persuasive stories). I realize today there is so much I don't know about the things he has done. In fact, I would guess that I maybe know 20 percent of it. I used to think he was just lazy, just immature, just needed more time to grow up, just needed a firmer hand, just needed to get through college, just needed to find a nice girlfriend...just needed, just needed, just needed....when in fact, all of it, every single bit of it, I believe today, is related to addiction. It's genetic. He is a lot like his dad. Always has been. And he has his dad's genes, and his paternal grandfather's genes, and my maternal grandmother's genes, and my brother's genes, all of these people have the disease of addiction. Lil, maybe your son isn't an addict, I have no idea. I just mention this to you because if it is the case, and he is using drugs to self-medicate and he can't stop, then he will have to have recovery before anything will change. Addiction is a progressive disease. It doesn't stay the same. It gets worse without treatment. And of course, you can't make him go to treatment or force him to accept any kind of help. I know, I've been there done that. I have manipulated my son into treatment more than once, and it's a colossal waste of time and money and hope and effort. So, in the end, it circles back to just letting go. Just letting go. The hardest single thing in the world to do, when you love someone and you continue to watch them self-destruct, make bad decisions, do stupid things and leave a trail of destruction in their wake. Warm hugs Lil. Strength for the journey. It' all about progress, not perfection. If you haven't yet gone to Al-Anon, you might try going there, and see if it's a good place for you. [/QUOTE]
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