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...and it all falls apart
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<blockquote data-quote="Lil" data-source="post: 630916" data-attributes="member: 17309"><p>Was, not is. Died when my son was about 7 - shortly after my husband adopted him. Suicide. Decided that, though he'd done the crime (burglary) he couldn't do the time, and hung himself in jail. My son does know this - we ended up telling him when he was about 17. He had always known his biodad died, but never asked how. He finally did. I tried to paint it in as good a light as possible under the circumstances. (That he probably thought they'd stop him and get him some help.) I never, ever spoke ill of my ex...except to warn my son that alcoholism runs in his family. He once asked (he was about 8) why we got divorced and I told him that when you grow up and get married and have babies that you have to work together to earn money and take care of things and his dad didn't want to work; he wanted to be taken care of like he was a kid too and you just can't do that. I told my son then that if he ever wanted to know anything about his dad he could ask me, and if I thought he was old enough to understand, I'd tell the truth always, but he needed to know that he might not always like the truth. He never asked another question until he asked how he died.</p><p> </p><p>We weren't together long. I only knew my ex 5 months before we married (Ok - so maybe I'm <em>NOT</em> so intelligent) and were only together about 2 years total. He moved out when my son was about 6 months old...left me for a woman who wouldn't insist he get a job...and began his life of crime. It started with pawning stuff he'd stolen from people who he was house-sitting for - of course, when he was young he'd stolen from his parents and actually gone to jail for it.</p><p> </p><p>So yeah, when my kid was stealing from me...don't think I wasn't freaking out. But ex had always had a lot of problems...depressions, prior suicide attempts, trouble with the law - and yes, much stemmed from drinking. </p><p> </p><p>And I know - really, I <em>KNOW</em> - that the stealing and such last year was drugs. I still think it's pot and not anything "harder" but it doesn't matter - an addiction is an addiction. We've told my son that.</p><p> </p><p>He's always been very obsessive about things, whether it was trains as a toddler (he could name all the different types of freight cars by the age of 3) to video games - he fixates on one thing. The latest and worst has been pot...or a reasonable facsimile of pot - my God I hate that "legal" stuff. He knows everything there is to know about pot, it's benefits, medicinal uses, etc. He admits to using pretty much every other day when he was away. He definitely was last summer when he was home. </p><p> </p><p><span style="font-size: 12px">He has been very different since coming home last month though. He says he's only used once (the "legal" stuff) and really, there's only been one time that I've been certain that he was high. I supposed he might have learned to "maintain" better - but he spends more time with us, chit-chats, there's no smell to his clothes or room that isn't dirty young man BO and cigarettes. </span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-size: 12px">So while it does appear he's still smoking...I do think he's cut way back. My hope is that he is able to control this. </span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-size: 12px">I do realize that hope may be in vain.</span></p><p> </p><p></p><p> </p><p>Yes. Last summer he was in therapy. He had antidepressants. He wouldn't take them. He lied to his therapist. I do wish he'd agree - I've tossed out the opinion several times when he says we "don't understand" that he could use therapy to help him come to terms with just life...his constantly being "unhappy", etc. If I could get him in for one thing perhaps treatment would follow. </p><p> </p><p><em>But I can only deal with one thing at a time.</em> If he gets a job and has to go to work five days a week and maybe meets more people who <em>aren't</em> stoners and has something to do with himself, then maybe the rest will work itself out.</p><p> </p><p>It's all I have right now.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Lil, post: 630916, member: 17309"] Was, not is. Died when my son was about 7 - shortly after my husband adopted him. Suicide. Decided that, though he'd done the crime (burglary) he couldn't do the time, and hung himself in jail. My son does know this - we ended up telling him when he was about 17. He had always known his biodad died, but never asked how. He finally did. I tried to paint it in as good a light as possible under the circumstances. (That he probably thought they'd stop him and get him some help.) I never, ever spoke ill of my ex...except to warn my son that alcoholism runs in his family. He once asked (he was about 8) why we got divorced and I told him that when you grow up and get married and have babies that you have to work together to earn money and take care of things and his dad didn't want to work; he wanted to be taken care of like he was a kid too and you just can't do that. I told my son then that if he ever wanted to know anything about his dad he could ask me, and if I thought he was old enough to understand, I'd tell the truth always, but he needed to know that he might not always like the truth. He never asked another question until he asked how he died. We weren't together long. I only knew my ex 5 months before we married (Ok - so maybe I'm [I]NOT[/I] so intelligent) and were only together about 2 years total. He moved out when my son was about 6 months old...left me for a woman who wouldn't insist he get a job...and began his life of crime. It started with pawning stuff he'd stolen from people who he was house-sitting for - of course, when he was young he'd stolen from his parents and actually gone to jail for it. So yeah, when my kid was stealing from me...don't think I wasn't freaking out. But ex had always had a lot of problems...depressions, prior suicide attempts, trouble with the law - and yes, much stemmed from drinking. And I know - really, I [I]KNOW[/I] - that the stealing and such last year was drugs. I still think it's pot and not anything "harder" but it doesn't matter - an addiction is an addiction. We've told my son that. He's always been very obsessive about things, whether it was trains as a toddler (he could name all the different types of freight cars by the age of 3) to video games - he fixates on one thing. The latest and worst has been pot...or a reasonable facsimile of pot - my God I hate that "legal" stuff. He knows everything there is to know about pot, it's benefits, medicinal uses, etc. He admits to using pretty much every other day when he was away. He definitely was last summer when he was home. [SIZE=3]He has been very different since coming home last month though. He says he's only used once (the "legal" stuff) and really, there's only been one time that I've been certain that he was high. I supposed he might have learned to "maintain" better - but he spends more time with us, chit-chats, there's no smell to his clothes or room that isn't dirty young man BO and cigarettes. [/SIZE] [SIZE=3]So while it does appear he's still smoking...I do think he's cut way back. My hope is that he is able to control this. [/SIZE] [SIZE=3]I do realize that hope may be in vain.[/SIZE] Yes. Last summer he was in therapy. He had antidepressants. He wouldn't take them. He lied to his therapist. I do wish he'd agree - I've tossed out the opinion several times when he says we "don't understand" that he could use therapy to help him come to terms with just life...his constantly being "unhappy", etc. If I could get him in for one thing perhaps treatment would follow. [I]But I can only deal with one thing at a time.[/I] If he gets a job and has to go to work five days a week and maybe meets more people who [I]aren't[/I] stoners and has something to do with himself, then maybe the rest will work itself out. It's all I have right now. [/QUOTE]
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