And now....

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by PatriotsGirl, Sep 28, 2010.

  1. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    I wake up this morning to a note posted on her bedroom door saying she left at 10 of 5:00 am this morning because her friend Amanda was in the hospital from trying to OD. Sure. She says she just "had" to be there for her friend. How did she leave? She left through the living room window leaving our living room window open for any one to come into my house after she left!!!!!!!!! My husband says he is done. She is out or he is out. I am so mad and she is not even answering her phone.
    I found out yesterday that she cannot get into college because she scored so low. I told her she really had to study for this one, that the grades were super important. She didn't study. Not one bit. This girl is going absolutely nowhere in life and keeps dragging us down with her.
    Obviously living here is not an option anymore, so now what???
  2. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    I went to her room to look through it while she was gone. I found two prozac pills on the floor. She had stopped taking it. I found bite marks on one of the pills - she was obviously holding it between her teeth and not taking it like I thought. Wow. I also found a small clear baggie on her nightstand that looks like it had some kind of white crystallized powder in it at one time. How can I get this tested? I'm just exasperated at this point. As always, the minute I think things are going great and BAM. Reality check. She has been sleeping all day and all night every day, not looking for a job like we continuously tell her to do and not studying one iota for the college test. I am trying so hard to straighten her life out for her and she is just not caring. Why do I continue to try to live her life for her the right way? I need to detach but it is so heartbreaking watching her continously screw up everything!! :(
    She is less than two weeks from being 17. What are my options? She is NEVER going to abide by any rules we set here. I cannot legally kick her out, yet. What can I do?
  3. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    While she is still underage, you can get her into a dual-diagnosis program that treats both the drug abuse and the mental illness. Once she turns 18, it's too late; she can do anything she wants. I'd get going if I were you.
  4. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    She is not willing to go on her own and every place down here says she needs to be there willingly :(
  5. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    My son was not willing to go to his Residential Treatment Center (RTC), but in Utah, we were able to sign him in until age 18. A year later, he is thriving because the treatment is working.
  6. graceupongrace

    graceupongrace New Member


    So sorry you are going through heck with her. But at this age, she has to straighten out her own life; you can't do it for her. What you can do, though, is let her know that you won't tolerate this behavior in your home.

    If she leaves in the middle of the night without your permission, you can report her as a runaway. If she has privileges like a phone, use of a car, etc., the privileges can be withheld. As far as the baggie with powder, you could take it to a private drug screening facility, or to your local police department. They likely will have someone who can identify the substance.

    If you're finding this stuff and she acknowledges that she has friends who are using (like the girl who tried to OD), there's a good chance that she's using too. You may have to put the college concerns on the back burner. This is more serious and will need to be addressed first. She can always start college later. Disappointing, I know. It's so hard to see our kids make these awful choices. Hugs.
    Last edited: Sep 28, 2010
  7. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    Sounds like you are caught in that special limbo where they are old enough to consent (or not) to medical treatment...but not old enough to be out on their own.

    Since college is out...sounds like she's going to have to get a job. Maybe she could train for a career in cosmetology or something...
  8. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    Daisy, I would love it if she did that. I did at her age! I had my own apartment at her age working across the street as a hairdresser in a mall. It was great!!! I would love it if she did anything. Anything. Anything besides eat, sleep, poop and break every rule I set in this house.
  9. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    PG, you andDH need to sit down and make a list of your rights and options as well as your legal responsibilities. It needs to be on paper. Have lots of paper, lots of time and lots of coffee.

    You need to work out what you CAN do (and she can't refuse) and what happens if/when she fails to comply. Because right now, you and he are both saying, "She is done!" when in fact, if you are not legally permitted to throw her out, she is NOT done, not by a long shot. Don't threaten to throw her out unless you know you can legally do it.

    Find out what you can do for someone who refuses to take their medications. If you CAN force the issue of "my way or the highway" then it's time to supervise her taking her medications, methadone clinic style. At a methadone clinic the addicts show up for their dose, get given it in a cup, are watched while they take it and then they have to open their mouths wide to show the stuff is gone. Some addicts will hold the methadone liquid in their mouths given half a chance, then go outside, spit it up into a cup then sell it to someone who frankly is far too desperate to care where it came from.
    With pills, she has to open her mouth and you probably have to yourself run a finger inside her mouth between cheek and gum, to make sure she hasn't tucked it in there. Then make her sit with you for 15 minutes to ensure she doesn't go stick her finger down her throat. After that, the pills will at least be partly in her system.
    The trouble with this, is you need to be able to enforce it. And if she can legally refuse her medications, I don't know if you can enforce it. You can make her presence in your home conditional on her being on medications, even if she is refusing treatment, but you can only do this is you are legally allowed to remove her from your home. You need to be able to say to her, "We can make you leave. We want to make you leave. But you may stay, on the following conditions..."

    But if you MUST provide a roof over her head until she is 18, you're stuck.

    Find the currency. Find what is your legal responsibility, and make that the baseline. Nothing more. Absolutely. Except for requirements met. And the first requirement is - take your medications. Let us supervise you taking your medications.

    Forget college. If she is like this now, what on earth do you think will happen when she goes to college, away from home, away from supervision? If she own't study at home to get into college, why do you think she would study once she got to college?

    Before a kid is ready for college, they need to at the very least be self-motivated. She's just not there. And sending a kid like this to college is a recipe for destruction.

    It is a little different in Australia, although increasingly parents are forking out for their kids' tertiary study. Frankly, I think it's crazy, because there is less ownership if it comes too easily. You need to be REALLY sure that this is valued by your child. Otherwise they should just go out and get a job, work from the bottom up and go to college later on, perhaps, when they have a better idea of what they want and how to get it.

    Right now, your daughter seems determined on throwing her life down the gurgler. Given what you are saying in this thread, the previous one about the loser boyfriend makes a lot more sense, sadly.
    What does she see in him? No, it's not just that he's a loser. That is NOT what she sees in him. She is accepting this in him because he has something else she really, really wants. I suspect this is drug supply, on a multiple level. She needs money for drugs, and she needs drugs. He could be providing a means to obtain both. He could even be her pimp. Why was he beating up that guy? Why was he so desperate to evade the police? What was he carrying in the car? You only saw the stuff able to be released - what do the police know that they did not release? Have you talked to the police about your concerns?

    How thoroughly did you search her room? Now go and search the rest of your house. Focus on the garage or any area less scrutinised. If you have animal pens outside, check in there too. Check in the garden sheds. Check in the car. Look under the beds, under the mattresses.

    If she is abusing drugs (including prescription medication) on top of her other problems, she is heading for big trouble. You need to be very careful to not enable this. It is easy to do. I would suggest that now, as fast as you can, make contact with Narc-Anon or similar groups and get their advice. Then act on it.

    I think you are in way over your heads, but there are lifelines around to get you out of the shark tank. Then you can begin to shark-proof your home.

  10. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    Marg, you are so right. We are completely stuck until she is 18. At 17 she can legally move out on her own if she wants to (and I keep praying she will) but we have to supply her with a roof over her head until she turns 18. We have made it perfectly clear that she will not be living with us after that. I will not voluntarily put up with this one moment longer than I have to. She has had more than a year's notice to get it together. I just need to figure out how I can enforce these rules that she doesn't follow. I asked her why she went through the window and not the door - she would have been better off going through the door and locking it behind her. Her answer was "I don't know". UGH. She knows my issue is not her leaving (Lord knows my home is sooo peaceful when she is not there) but the issue is leaving my home unlocked and vulnerable when we are sleeping!
    She would not have been going away to college. It is a local college where I would have had to drop her off every day on my way to work and she would either have to find a way home or sit there until I could pick her up. But, no matter, she did get accepted but she got accepted into developmental studies, which Financial Aid will not pay for and mommy and daddy certainly aren't. But, you are right. She said the only reason she was even going was for me and the only reason she picked the program she did was because "it sounded like the least lame". Meaning she would have no ownership of her education at all.
    I told her she needs to decide what to do with her life but it must be something. She cannot lounge around my house all day only to eat, sleep and poop. I have three dogs. I do not need another. So, the three days a week I have to go into the office she will need to find a place to go. She will not be allowed to stay home and do nothing all day while the rest of us work or go to school. If it means she has to sit on the front porch all day so be it. But I am done. I am spent. I am so busy trying to fix her life that I am not living my own. She has to decide what she wants out of life and who she wants to be. I cannot do it for her.
    She says a friend is selling her a tattoo gun for 40 bucks and she is going to learn to tattoo because she is a great artist. Shudder. Shudder. She is a fantastic artist, but I would never allow her to touch my skin with a needle - I can guarantee that needle will not be a fresh one each time. Shudder. Shudder.
  11. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    Oh and loser should be heading straight to jail for a good five years - this relationship will surely die as all the rest of them have....