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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 753017" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Busy: "<em>keeping hope alive is all so a coping mechanism</em>." My quote thing is not working.</p><p></p><p>Yes. My very strong value is that every parent here who chooses to hope, is supported to do so, not discouraged. I have no right to take hope away.</p><p></p><p>Some parents who have posted here, have felt it their duty and right to decide whether hope was warranted or not, for other parents to have about their adult child. That feels very bad, to me. I'm not saying it is bad, I'm saying it feels so, to me. It is the thing that makes me want to leave this forum, that and gratuitous cruelty and judgment.</p><p></p><p>I have been in an ongoing conversation with myself whether or not it is the right thing for me to remain on this forum. Sometimes I feel as if I am using my body/mind to stand in the way so that others are not hurt. If this is so, this is very wrong of me to do to myself, and to others. It recreates my mission and role in my family, of a rescuer and a protector, which was a fantasy, and led to sadness and pain, for myself and my family. And it is wrong and dangerous to others, whose business it is to develop their own ability to protect themselves by discerning how they feel and what they want. And developing the resources and voice to do so.</p><p></p><p>Recent threads have served to help me with this ongoing internal conversation about whether it is time to go, or to pull back even more than I have.</p><p></p><p>In my family I was the one who as an adult decided things were hopeless. That relationships were hopeless. That I lacked the strength and will to tolerate triangulation, self-indulgence, addiction, and sadism. I decided I could not protect myself by my own will, alone. And I doubted the will and the potential of others to want to and to commit to change. And I retreated based upon those beliefs. This cost me a great deal.</p><p></p><p>I was probably right, looked at objectively, but that doesn't mean it was the right thing to do. My parents and sister were my beloveds, as is my son. As are your own children.</p><p></p><p>Still, I don't know how to keep open to the possibility of love and healing when the objective circumstance is indifference to the effects on others, of cruelty, twistedness, irresponsibility, and self-indulgence. But I have committed myself to learn.</p><p></p><p>I think that for me this is my life work. To try to be open-hearted <em>and safe </em>in the face of the possibility (or reality) of danger and harm and rejection. I realize that this flies in the face of how many of you here on this forum think and feel. I realize I am the odd man out.</p><p></p><p>This forum, where almost all of us, have been so harmed by our love, and wanting to love, may no longer be the place for me to be. Because despite my woundedness, I want to be open to love and to loving, my son and everybody else. I yearn to love. I don't want to close down. Not to anybody. Most of all to myself.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 753017, member: 18958"] Busy: "[I]keeping hope alive is all so a coping mechanism[/I]." My quote thing is not working. Yes. My very strong value is that every parent here who chooses to hope, is supported to do so, not discouraged. I have no right to take hope away. Some parents who have posted here, have felt it their duty and right to decide whether hope was warranted or not, for other parents to have about their adult child. That feels very bad, to me. I'm not saying it is bad, I'm saying it feels so, to me. It is the thing that makes me want to leave this forum, that and gratuitous cruelty and judgment. I have been in an ongoing conversation with myself whether or not it is the right thing for me to remain on this forum. Sometimes I feel as if I am using my body/mind to stand in the way so that others are not hurt. If this is so, this is very wrong of me to do to myself, and to others. It recreates my mission and role in my family, of a rescuer and a protector, which was a fantasy, and led to sadness and pain, for myself and my family. And it is wrong and dangerous to others, whose business it is to develop their own ability to protect themselves by discerning how they feel and what they want. And developing the resources and voice to do so. Recent threads have served to help me with this ongoing internal conversation about whether it is time to go, or to pull back even more than I have. In my family I was the one who as an adult decided things were hopeless. That relationships were hopeless. That I lacked the strength and will to tolerate triangulation, self-indulgence, addiction, and sadism. I decided I could not protect myself by my own will, alone. And I doubted the will and the potential of others to want to and to commit to change. And I retreated based upon those beliefs. This cost me a great deal. I was probably right, looked at objectively, but that doesn't mean it was the right thing to do. My parents and sister were my beloveds, as is my son. As are your own children. Still, I don't know how to keep open to the possibility of love and healing when the objective circumstance is indifference to the effects on others, of cruelty, twistedness, irresponsibility, and self-indulgence. But I have committed myself to learn. I think that for me this is my life work. To try to be open-hearted [I]and safe [/I]in the face of the possibility (or reality) of danger and harm and rejection. I realize that this flies in the face of how many of you here on this forum think and feel. I realize I am the odd man out. This forum, where almost all of us, have been so harmed by our love, and wanting to love, may no longer be the place for me to be. Because despite my woundedness, I want to be open to love and to loving, my son and everybody else. I yearn to love. I don't want to close down. Not to anybody. Most of all to myself. [/QUOTE]
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