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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 753113" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p style="margin-left: 20px"> Thank you ahhjeez. Hugs right back at you. I am hoping that my grands will heal. It is a very rocky road right now with my eldest grand and I do question my capability to help him. All I can do is try my best. The rest is up to him, and God. And me. By that I mean that I have not been able to shake the fear that he may hurt himself or his siblings, or even me, if the episodes continue to escalate. I hope not, but I have to be ready to accept the alternative. Which would be residential treatment. The social worker will not allow another severe event in my home. But, that may just be the help he needs, a place that is more regulated.</p><p></p><p> Me too.</p><p></p><p> I think we have a responsibility to practice self love. It’s what we wish for our adult children. That means to me, not allowing others choices to effect us so detrimentally that we can’t function. It’s unhealthy. It’s a hard thing to practice with our own. The dynamics involved force me to look inward constantly. One thing I am learning is that I have a propensity to care more about their issues than <em>they do themselves.</em> I have to guard my heart and learn to respond rather than react. I do know that my two cannot live with me. Been there, done that. They did not get better in my home and made the rest of us miserable. This is a tough spot, we are all in wrestling with the insanity of our adult children’s choices. I have gone through the stages of grieving several times. Lest I grow cold vs lest I go down with their ship sailing erratically towards the storm. Pulling back and giving it to God is not coldness, it’s self preservation. I have to keep reminding myself of this.</p><p></p><p>Me too, JP. We are faced with out of the ordinary challenges with our wayward adult kids. The rabbit hole is ever beckoning for me to jump back in to the fray. That’s addiction and entanglement talking. Dazed and confused with the constant onslaught of unacceptable behaviors, that’s where my two under the influence would have me. Unable to make clear decisions, constantly fretting over their choices. Unable to make a stand for myself. That’s obsession, not love, and no way to live. I have to put the responsibility for the necessity to pull back, where it lies, on my two.</p><p>I am not cold or heartless and neither are you.</p><p></p><p> This is my story too. Except the texting part. My two make appearances here and there but otherwise are pretty much incommunicado, no contact. That is their choice. They know for the most part that I won’t enable them.</p><p></p><p> That’s my spin on it too. Beyond comprehension.</p><p></p><p>Calmness, being</p><p>present. I have to work on that. Especially now. Any kind of tension or anxiety the kids pick up on and it triggers them. I have a lot to learn about behavior and my grands are teaching me. Especially where behaviors are driven by past traumas. The ordinary reaction would be punishment, but now, my focus has to be on what my grands do correctly, instead of consequences for bad behavior. Sometimes I can’t wrap my head around that, I was a pretty cut and dry authoritarian.</p><p>How many people are out in the world who have suffered similarly as children, and are still carrying around the baggage? I don’t condone unacceptable behavior and I don’t want to be around it, but I wonder what is the issue behind it?</p><p>Busy, I don’t think there is judgement, just different perspectives and opinions, different personalities. I have seen very few instances of posters being judge mental. Members for the most part have been kind. I remember posting strong posts when I reached the anger phase of grieving my two.</p><p></p><p>It is unacceptable to beat ourselves up internally. It is important to look at the emotions, the feelings that cause this. I believe the big underlying factor is grief and all of the stages. The difference being, we are grieving the life choices of loved ones. Grief and loss when a loved one passes is different, there is a finality to death. This journey we are on begets repetitive grief. At least in my case. Each new chapter of my twos addiction and use, homelessness, jail, health issues, poses another challenge to process feelings and avoid entanglement, the rabbit hole. It is a constant effort to remain stable and present. It is so easy to backslide and start rolling those tapes searching for reasons and answers. Especially since my two have blamed their choices on me. </p><p></p><p> I go there as well, overthinking. Finding fault with the parenting mistakes I made. Rehashing those moments. What if, what if? I have to shake myself</p><p>out of that. Living in the past does not help. Stuck. It’s where my twos addiction would have me be, so overcome and tormented by my own mistakes, taking on blame for my twos choices.</p><p> No, no Copa. I hope the same, that in my venting, my replies and posts that actually became reminders to myself to stay the course, I hope that I have not offended anyone. We are all tender hearted. I agree. We have been under siege by the chaos of our beloveds lives and our own self torment.</p><p> That is what I am writing of, understanding the emotions and background of one’s actions and behaviors. Not to say we should tolerate unacceptable behavior, there are boundaries, but we all make mistakes. There is a quote I read about acting out of the ordinary in difficult situations. It makes sense. Which ties into your thoughts below.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Me too. Hubs was a master at ignoring. Going silent. It caused me a lot of anxiety in the early years of our marriage. It was a trigger for me to conjure up all kinds of scenarios.</p><p></p><p>This. </p><p> Thank you Tried. It is horrible. It is reliving the angst all over again through my grands. They are repeating what they lived, that in turn triggers <em>me</em> hurling me back to memories of the past like a time warp scene in a movie. Their father and mother were extremely violent and toxic for one another. We all witnessed far too many crazy episodes. I can only imagine what my grands have been through.</p><p></p><p>The only time I have is in the wee hours of the morning. We are going through a really tough period right now. I am hoping that more help and services will kick in, but the agencies are overwhelmed and slow moving. It is frustrating to say the least.</p><p> This is true, Copa. Small steps towards change. I do have hope, but there is also a pragmatic thought process factoring in. Maybe that’s the <em>not hoping </em>part that Busy is writing of. That I have been at this juncture with Rain so many times, if I don’t get my hopes up, then if she backslides again, I don’t have that far to fall myself. It’s like saying I am not holding my breath. That is so opposite of Victor Frankls teachings “If we take man as he really is, we make him worse. But if we overestimate him … we promote him to what he really can be. So we have to be idealists, in a way — because then we wind up as the true, the real realists.”</p><p>I suppose it is somewhat of a protection to not hope. Then if there is no change, there is less heartache and disappointment. I confess, I struggle with this at times, it has been such a long haul. I have much to work on within myself.</p><p>Thank you all for your thoughts and help.</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 753113, member: 19522"] [INDENT] Thank you ahhjeez. Hugs right back at you. I am hoping that my grands will heal. It is a very rocky road right now with my eldest grand and I do question my capability to help him. All I can do is try my best. The rest is up to him, and God. And me. By that I mean that I have not been able to shake the fear that he may hurt himself or his siblings, or even me, if the episodes continue to escalate. I hope not, but I have to be ready to accept the alternative. Which would be residential treatment. The social worker will not allow another severe event in my home. But, that may just be the help he needs, a place that is more regulated.[/INDENT] Me too. I think we have a responsibility to practice self love. It’s what we wish for our adult children. That means to me, not allowing others choices to effect us so detrimentally that we can’t function. It’s unhealthy. It’s a hard thing to practice with our own. The dynamics involved force me to look inward constantly. One thing I am learning is that I have a propensity to care more about their issues than [I]they do themselves.[/I] I have to guard my heart and learn to respond rather than react. I do know that my two cannot live with me. Been there, done that. They did not get better in my home and made the rest of us miserable. This is a tough spot, we are all in wrestling with the insanity of our adult children’s choices. I have gone through the stages of grieving several times. Lest I grow cold vs lest I go down with their ship sailing erratically towards the storm. Pulling back and giving it to God is not coldness, it’s self preservation. I have to keep reminding myself of this. Me too, JP. We are faced with out of the ordinary challenges with our wayward adult kids. The rabbit hole is ever beckoning for me to jump back in to the fray. That’s addiction and entanglement talking. Dazed and confused with the constant onslaught of unacceptable behaviors, that’s where my two under the influence would have me. Unable to make clear decisions, constantly fretting over their choices. Unable to make a stand for myself. That’s obsession, not love, and no way to live. I have to put the responsibility for the necessity to pull back, where it lies, on my two. I am not cold or heartless and neither are you. This is my story too. Except the texting part. My two make appearances here and there but otherwise are pretty much incommunicado, no contact. That is their choice. They know for the most part that I won’t enable them. That’s my spin on it too. Beyond comprehension. Calmness, being present. I have to work on that. Especially now. Any kind of tension or anxiety the kids pick up on and it triggers them. I have a lot to learn about behavior and my grands are teaching me. Especially where behaviors are driven by past traumas. The ordinary reaction would be punishment, but now, my focus has to be on what my grands do correctly, instead of consequences for bad behavior. Sometimes I can’t wrap my head around that, I was a pretty cut and dry authoritarian. How many people are out in the world who have suffered similarly as children, and are still carrying around the baggage? I don’t condone unacceptable behavior and I don’t want to be around it, but I wonder what is the issue behind it? Busy, I don’t think there is judgement, just different perspectives and opinions, different personalities. I have seen very few instances of posters being judge mental. Members for the most part have been kind. I remember posting strong posts when I reached the anger phase of grieving my two. It is unacceptable to beat ourselves up internally. It is important to look at the emotions, the feelings that cause this. I believe the big underlying factor is grief and all of the stages. The difference being, we are grieving the life choices of loved ones. Grief and loss when a loved one passes is different, there is a finality to death. This journey we are on begets repetitive grief. At least in my case. Each new chapter of my twos addiction and use, homelessness, jail, health issues, poses another challenge to process feelings and avoid entanglement, the rabbit hole. It is a constant effort to remain stable and present. It is so easy to backslide and start rolling those tapes searching for reasons and answers. Especially since my two have blamed their choices on me. I go there as well, overthinking. Finding fault with the parenting mistakes I made. Rehashing those moments. What if, what if? I have to shake myself out of that. Living in the past does not help. Stuck. It’s where my twos addiction would have me be, so overcome and tormented by my own mistakes, taking on blame for my twos choices. No, no Copa. I hope the same, that in my venting, my replies and posts that actually became reminders to myself to stay the course, I hope that I have not offended anyone. We are all tender hearted. I agree. We have been under siege by the chaos of our beloveds lives and our own self torment. That is what I am writing of, understanding the emotions and background of one’s actions and behaviors. Not to say we should tolerate unacceptable behavior, there are boundaries, but we all make mistakes. There is a quote I read about acting out of the ordinary in difficult situations. It makes sense. Which ties into your thoughts below. Me too. Hubs was a master at ignoring. Going silent. It caused me a lot of anxiety in the early years of our marriage. It was a trigger for me to conjure up all kinds of scenarios. This. Thank you Tried. It is horrible. It is reliving the angst all over again through my grands. They are repeating what they lived, that in turn triggers [I]me[/I] hurling me back to memories of the past like a time warp scene in a movie. Their father and mother were extremely violent and toxic for one another. We all witnessed far too many crazy episodes. I can only imagine what my grands have been through. The only time I have is in the wee hours of the morning. We are going through a really tough period right now. I am hoping that more help and services will kick in, but the agencies are overwhelmed and slow moving. It is frustrating to say the least. This is true, Copa. Small steps towards change. I do have hope, but there is also a pragmatic thought process factoring in. Maybe that’s the [I]not hoping [/I]part that Busy is writing of. That I have been at this juncture with Rain so many times, if I don’t get my hopes up, then if she backslides again, I don’t have that far to fall myself. It’s like saying I am not holding my breath. That is so opposite of Victor Frankls teachings “If we take man as he really is, we make him worse. But if we overestimate him … we promote him to what he really can be. So we have to be idealists, in a way — because then we wind up as the true, the real realists.” I suppose it is somewhat of a protection to not hope. Then if there is no change, there is less heartache and disappointment. I confess, I struggle with this at times, it has been such a long haul. I have much to work on within myself. Thank you all for your thoughts and help. Leafy [/QUOTE]
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