And the craziness just keeps on coming with 35 difficult child...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by MidwestMom, Apr 26, 2013.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    So the phone rang and I was reading this site and not paying attention to the caller ID and it was 35. I hadn't spoken to him for a few days. My ex is down there. The phone gets shoved in my ear from the other side and ex says, "I'm supposed to ask you something." I said, "What?" He said, "I don't know."

    I hear 35 in the background saying "Ask her, ask her!"

    So ex asks me if I spent 24/7 playing with Grandson when I was visiting down there. He wants my ex to spend every waking moment playing with his Grandson to form a strong bond so that he will keep paying for the lawyer for the custody battle. A few things about this:

    Ex is 66 and has had a serious illness all his life and doesn't have the spark that some still have at 66. He runs out of energy fast and he never could run after little kids and play with was never his thing. He likes to take slow walks or bike rides with little kids and then be done with them. So 35 has him watching Grandson from morning to night and he's probably exhausted and disinterested. Sadly, Grandson keeps asking why Grandpa won't come downstairs and play with him and why Grandpa wants to watch the news, but WHY CALL ME???? Well, of course, I'm supposed to scold him and tell him that I would play with Grandson every second. Even though I've barely seen this child partly due to my son allowing his ex to keep J. away from us. So that's a sore spot for me. I've seen him a year ago...that was the last time.

    J. is a very lively kid who does not like to sit still. He is highly intelligent and never gets tired of questions and playing. His mind is always busy. His body matches his mind. I had trouble keeping up with him too! I was relieved with his mother, who was still living there at the time, came home and I could get a rest from running after him and playing with him. He does not like to sit still and be read to or watch television. So anyhow, ex and I had a pleasant exchange. He asked about my husband's eye surgery, and Sonic and Jumper and then 35 took the phone from him.

    Guess what? I screwed up! It was my chance to talk to ex about J.,J.,J. and NOBODY else so I could convince him to play with J. every waking second. When I let myself become sidetracked by talk about my husband and kids, I was playing into ex's hands so that he didn't have to hear about J. and how he should spend every moment with him (as if I can still control ex in any way). Or should! 35 went on to say more irrational things, such as I should only concentrate on J. now, not anything else. He berated me for making him get off the phone because I wanted to work out, because Sonic needed me, because Jumper needed me, etc. I should never need to get off the phone while he's going through his custody battle. The world has ended.

    Seriously, I told him the phone was out of batteries and hung up. I heard him saying just before I clicked off, "Sure, of course your battery needs charging, more f*** excuses." He doesn't think there is ever any reason for me to have to get off with him. I wonder if he was drunk. I have to get to that Al-Anon meeting soon.

    I don't need advice. I know not to talk to him and to hang up when he gets abusive. But this was so off the wall I had to vent. I feel like 35 is the most self-centered person in the universe and it ticks me off so I vent here, even if nobody answers. It feels better.

    I don't understand my own child, other than to reiterate he is a classic narcissistic. He does love his son...that I give him...but his siblings mean nothing to him and, in fact, get in his way. How dare I talk about them...or my husband.

    I am not going to answer a phone call from him until ex is gone, which gives me three days. Hopefully he will be calmed down by then. If not *click*
  2. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    I know he is your son. I know you love him. I'm sure there are many good qualities that he has. But he couldn't possibly get any more self absorbed if he tried.

    The world is to revolved around him, you, ex, his ex, J......and probably everyone else around him is expected to cave to his slightest whim in this distorted warped view of reality. Usually those that are this self absorbed are manipulative, because they have the sense to know that to be direct would show them for who and what they are. He doesn't even have that much sense, or doesn't for some reason believe it is needed.

    I"d have laughed at him. I meant really belly laughed at his ridiculous demands. Then told him whatever relationship ex and J develop is between ex and J, it will be what it will be.......and that is OK. Then I'd have hung up on him. (because I'm sure he'd go off) I have this sarcastic laugh I used to use when my kids had some ridiculous notion of what I was expected to do simply because I am their parent. Annoys the heck out of them but they get the point rather quickly.

    Hold it. I had to use that laugh the other day with easy child.......... She had asked me to pup sit her new pound rescue while their family fluttered off to Myrtle Beach for however long. Uh, really? You had these plans prior to adopting the pup. (yes, she tends to "assume" too much a bit too often for my tastes) Oh, but Ammo and Maggie get along wonderfully! Yes, they do. That does NOT mean I want another pup to care for while you're off having a good time. I told her that prior to her picking up the pup. I told her again after picking up the pup. I've since adopted now that would mean 3 young dogs, two still pups..........not no, but HELL no! So she got "the laugh" and told to start looking into reservations at kennels or find a camp ground. Since she has not cancelled her seems she still thinks she can convince me. I'll be doing that laugh again soon, I'm sure. omg geez

    Vent away. I would have a tough time dealing with it for certain. I have issues with Katie and she is not quite as bad. At least she attempts to pretend to not be quite so self centered. *sigh*
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    If you've ever known a narcissistic and unfortunately my father preceded him, this is what you would find, just in case you have an interest. My father is actually worse...he is convinced he is the most attractive, smartest and well liked person on earth, although he has never been any of those things and was generally disliked. My son is far less conceited and more realistic. What he shares is the belief that the world revolves around him and that nobody else matters plus he has done some really "iffy" things that he claims he doesn't remember, such as forcing my daughter Julie to watch porn movies when she is eight. This qualifies as sexual abuse of a minor, but she didn't tell me until she was an adult and does not want to get into it with him...she just doesn't want a relationship with him. Yet 35 will often say, "It would be so great if Julie and me were close." When I brought the abuse up to him he clalims he has no memory of high school. This may be true. He has a lot of mental health problems. However, when he did it, he knew w hat he was doing. He knew an eight year old should not be watching that. And, remember, Julie says he FORCED her to watch, wouldn't let her leave. I believe Julie 100%. And I half believe 35 has no memory of it because he is a high IQ man. He would be able to figure out why Julie wants nothing to do with him. I am almost positive he never does abusive stuff to J. J. adores him (Julie didn't). But Julie is always voicing concerns about J. All I can say is, I'm glad 35 is in Missouri.

    When I think of my "real" family, those who openly love one another and are caring, I think of my special husband, my daughter Julie whom I adore, Sonic who EVERYONE loves because you can't help it, and Jumper who is the best teenager in the world (I'm not prejudiced...hehe). I really don't think of 35 is as one of us...he isn't connected to us emotionally, except to me and that is in an unhealthy way.

    I feel guilty about how I feel about him, but honestly...I really can't help it. If Scott had not disappeared from our lives, I'm not sure 35 would be even as much a part of my life as he is. Losing Scott makes me hang onto 35 by a thread. Since I don't know my Grandson, and that is largely his fault, I could probably let go of them...but the sting of Scott disowning us keeps 35 in the picture. I can't explain why. I don't get it myself. Which reminds me. I have to write another thread about Scott as a second vent. Hope you all don't get sick of me!
  4. Dixies_fire

    Dixies_fire Member

    Mwm- guilt is a bad emotion to have. My mom still has it with my sister who was and is difficult child and mom couldn't take it. As an adult try get along very well . Sister is like 35. She has spent a life time making bad decisions has never had to pay for them and thinks the world stops for her. Last thanksgiving she was supposed to see her kids which she doesn't have custody of. Mom was visiting me while I had mr Lewis we are separated by a few thousand miles so unpaid for mom's plane ticket. Sister called and guilted mom for being here every day because she could not watch sister's son while sister was visiting her other children. She cursed out my aunt for having plans to spend thanksgiving with other family in Oklahoma, she was supposed to drop everything and cook thanksgiving dinner for sister's difficult child husband and her son with less then a week notice. She called and guilted me for taking mom to see the last twilight movie while she was here. Said mom should of waited. Said her trip was more important then me having mom's last grandchild.
    She's about to cause my mom to lose her house because her whole family moved in after my dad died and they helped her spend 60,000 with nothing to show for it.

    I feel you, I'm terrified of my relationship with tk turning into that toxicity.

    Glad you have so much good in your life other than 35!
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Dix, thanks for the post.

    I'm sorry for your mom. Very sorry. It's sad.

    One thing you can be sure of with me. 35 will never get money from us, the little we have, and we will not lose anything due to him (except maybe our minds :))
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Are you SURE that 35 is not living in a trailer going to grad school in OK? Some of the things you say about him are SOOOOOOOOO gfgbro. Right down to the abusive sexual behavior with a sibling and 'not remembering' high school or any other abusive anything that he has done to anyone but every pseudo abusive thing he claims other have done to him.

    I am so sorry. He may love J, but he ONLY loves J because J is an extension of himself. As soon as J shows ANY signs of wanting to do what J wants to do and NOT worshipping 35 as his God and not wanting to live life dictated by 35's whims and narcissism, he won't have much to do with J that is positive for J. It is what it is. I know how hard this is, and I promise that the alanon will help you a lot. PLEASE make it a priority for tomorrow. You have to figure out your boundaries and make 35 respect them. It is good that he lives so far away because he cannot drive over to harass you at a moment's notice. Of course he could pull a page out of bro's book and call the cops to report he was on the phone with you and your husband got mad and was beating you, but I don't think he cares enough to invest the time to look up the phone number to your police.

    I hope you can figure out a way to detach in a healthy way and to not listen to his stupidity. I am sorry that ex is indulging him. I feel bad for J and am quite sure that for now he will be fairly good when he has J. It will be when J is showing signs of having a mind of his own that your son will lose interest in him or become abusive in an obvious way. Until then it will be emotional manipulation for wanting to spend time with his mommy or thinking anything positive about his mommy or stepdad to be that J will have to deal with.

    Some people just should not be allowed to have kids until they have dealt with some things. Who and how we know and how we stop them? I have no idea. I just feel for the kids in a BIG way. I know my exsil has messed up every one of her kids.
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Susie, wow. You sure nailed my biggest fear. He is obsessed with "J. is my BLOOD!" Now some other people are into that too, but 35 was raised that who loves you is your family and had four adopted siblings whom we obviously loved very much. He resented them, I think. But, yes, J. adores him now. Worships him. J. is five. I wonder what will happen when J. sees his less attractive traits. I fortunately do not see this selfishness in J. and I *did* see this in 35 as young as two. J. does not try to hurt other people and is a pretty normal, empathetic child who plays well with other kids, in spite of having two special needs parents. So I hope it doesn't wear on him in the end. But I sure can see 35 turning off to J. when he points out 35's less sterling traits or if, perchance, he starts to favor difficult child-ex.

    You understand narcicistics, Sus. They love their kids as extensions of their own selves.

    Ex is not enabling him. He tells him off and sets strict boundaries and ignores lots of what 35 says. He is better than me at this.

    Susie, I never wanted 35 to have a child. I didn't see anything good coming from that.
  8. MWM - wow, what an abusive conversation - both the one 35 had with ex and the one with you. I was initially thinking Borderline (BPD) but Narcissistic fits too.

    It sounds like you are dead on with your assessment of his relationship with J. J is an extension of himself as you said. I feel for J when he starts to exert his own thoughts, wants and ideas. He may quickly lose favour with 35 and not be able to understand why. Hope that poor kid doesn't spent his life trying to please his father - that just doesn't seem possible.