So you know I haven't spoken to difficult child since he got out of jail. You know that he made me a bunch of promises (and these are not things I extracted, these are things he volunteered) during the conversations that lead up to my paying his fines. I did not pay his bail, but I did pay the fines that allowed him to get out of jail earlier, not need a parole officer, and not have a record. Once he got out of jail he explained his complete lack of follow through on any of his commitments by sayin "its a holiday mom, I just want to be with my friends." and that was that. All those conversations meant nothing. They were hollow, empty, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. He didn't call me for a while after that. Then...I didn't want anything to do with him. I heard enough to know he had somewhere to stay. I refused all his calls (he doesn't have a phone, they are always from unknown numbers, but he calls and then doesn't leave a message, and then he immediatelly tries SO from the same phone, so I know it is he). Sometimes SO did pick up, and told him that I was not ready to speak with him. Sometimes SO asked about the status of all his plans and commitments (including his own offer to give me his ATM card so that I could use it to pay myself back...as he put it "you would control my money, mom, till you are paid back), and, hearing repeatdly that he is overdrawn at the bank (he gets monthly SSI checks, he's been telling me he is overdrawn for 6 or 7 months now. Its like a magic excuse. Can that even happen?) , SO tells him that he needs to follow through on the things he said, and that is the end of the conversation. I did not answer when he called on his birthday, although I intended to answer...something in me just freezes when I think it is he on the line..I die a small death, and in doing, I keep the status quo...which is...I don't pick up. The other night he "drunk called" (or stoned called or altered state called) first me (I didn't pick up) then SO, then his dad at 3 AM. Just to say he missed us, and to ramble about being stoned. His dad said "its selfish to call me at this hour just to chat" and difficult child got hostile. So here we are. The calls faded off for a while, then escalated again. SO talks to him almost once/day, which upsets me almost as much as if I were talking to him once a day. I know he and some friends moved to a local cheap hotel, which means he got thrown out of his flophouse. No doubt they will soon get thrown out of hotel too. No doubt that is why he is calling. Tonight he called first me (you guessed it, I didn't pick up) and then SO. He asked to come over...SO asked if he had done any of the things he said, or if he had money (yestarday he said he wanted to come over and give me his ATM card). difficult child said no and no. SO said to wait to come over until he could answer yes to at least some of those questions. I feel increasingly cornered, sort of trapped by my ringing phone. I still have this intense internal revulsion against answering the phone when he calls. I've never felt it before. I should note that I have seen him a few times during this time...a couple of times begging...once I even approached him and chastised him. A few days ago I saw him smoking in an alley while I was walking home from work. He saw me too. So tonight I sent him a FB message...I said..(paraphrase)."It makes me really uncomfortable and unhappy when you call and hang up. It makes me uncomfortable when you call SO as well. Please, after all you have put me through, after all the hurt and abuse and disrespect, have the courtesy to leave me alone and leave me out of your mess right now. I'd love to hear from you when you get yourself together. Mom." Thats all. I didn't say "I love you". I don't feel it, it isn't at my lips edge, I can't choke it out. What I feel is...leave me alone. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Go away. It didn't make me feel any better to write that, but it did feel like something I needed to do. My guess is he will stop calling. He has never been aggressive with me...never demanding or even hostile...just stubbornly, persistently smilingly resistent to living up to any expectations or social norms, and on that path, he has drifted ever lower through the brackets of our society. Unlike a lot of the difficult child's we talk about here, he doesn't really seem to want to live at home, although he would like to come home sometimes. He doesn't ask me for money, although he begs, and knocks on my friends doors, and goes to the restaurants that I frequent, or those run by my friends, and asks for food. He approached a friend of his twin sister's when she was closing out the cash register at the coffee shop where she works and asked her to give him money from the register ("I mean, it isn't even yours, right"). BUt never, or rarely from me. He asked me to pay for his GED, which I did and he passed, and sometimes in the past he has asked me to buy him lunch. He did desperately want me to pay his bail. Once, during the many times he called me while he was in jail, he said "thanks for taking my calls, mom. I really appreciate that you are there for me. A lot of people here have no one." I still don't really understand that. I feel like, by his actions, he is trying to become one of the people who have no one. I'm rambling now, thinking him over, thinking about his fairly gentle choice to just...refuse. REfuse to participate, refuse to do his part, refuse to do school work, refuse to go to work, refuse to clean up after himslef, refuse to tell the truth EVER, refuse to stop stealing from his siblings, refuse to come home, refuse refuse refuse. I guess I am at the point of refusing too. It doesn't feel good. But it feels necessary. And better than some of the other choices, where I chose the Charlie Brown kicking the football move yet again. I just can't do that anymore.