My about-to-turn 13 easy child is angry and confused and blames me and her dad for her horrible life, playing second fiddle to her difficult child older sibs. She is right, no matter how much therapeutic intervention we had as a whole family, there is no way she could ever have gotten the amount of attention her brother and sister have over the past six or seven years because our family dynamic was so chaotic. She has little use for either her dad or me lately, except for buying her clothes and giving her rides. After a long period of animosity towards her dad (refusing to stay overnight for visitation, refusing to go anywhere with him) she started to spend a bit of time at his house when her brother went to rehab for six weeks. Dad's house is three times the size of mine, she has a much nicer room there, and he lets her do whatever she wants. This year my ex is hosting a foreign exchange high school student from Germany, a lovely girl who has blended in well with the family and whom my easy child adores. So, I get why she likes to spend time there: it's more comfy and no one nags her to pick up her carp. Or to clean the bathrooms. Or fold the laundry. Problem is, dad works 7:30 a.m. to 6 p.m. or later (self employed CPA with his hand in about half a dozen other business adventures) six days a week; Sundays he food shops and watchs TV. The kids amuse themselves and my socialable youngest usually has two or three girlfriends who sleep over on weekends. What started out as a brief respite for me has turned into the norm for the past five months. Problem is, school is over in a few weeks and the German girl is "auf wiehedersehn" and my older daughter will be working and going to college during the summer. Hopefully my 16 yr old son will be working too. Which leaves my newly minted teen alone all day. Which she thinks is just dandy but I say is unacceptable. She is willful and headstrong and has never been one to do camps or clubs, not that we have the money for it, but my ex has decided he wants to change the custody agreement and have her stay with him permanently (we both have joint legal custody of her and difficult child 2). I have no idea what he plans to do as far as supervising her this summer. I am not employed but going for job training; on the advice of my attorney I'm waiting for the appeal my ex filed on the distribution of assets to wind its way through the court system. I don't know what I'm going to be awarded yet and that determines my next few steps, including part time or full time employment. Lately, if I make the slightest complaint to her, for example, that I would like it if she would answer her cell phone when she is out all day on Saturday watching a boy she likes play baseball (she is with the boys mom and family, so she is supervised) and going to cookouts and so on, she gets very irate and quickly escalates into "I don't live with you anymore, remember?" and "the reason I don't want to live with you anymore is that you're always giving me attitude." She's my third kid to hit adolescence, so I know not to take it personally, but the level of anger in her just wears me down. If I thought for a moment that her dad really would be responsible for her and not let her flit around town like an 18 yr old, I would say, okay, fine, if she wants to stay with you, I won't fight it. But he won't. He tried and failed to get sole physical custody when we first separated. I think she is about a year too young in our state for the court to defer to her wishes about where she wants to live. But, even if a judge orders her back to my house, what do I do if she just doesn't want to go? I don't know how to reconnect with her, when she is so determined that she won't be hampered by parental rules and supervision. She told me tonight that she doesn't like my house, it's a dump (forgetting that she trashed her room and then refused to clean it up, allowed her friends to come over and make a mess and not clean up). Now that I think about it, the trouble started last fall when I put my foot down and set boundaries: didn't let her just have carte blanche to bring friends home after school to hang out, watch tv, eat, and not clean up after themselves, and then leave the house without telling me where they were going. Made her clean up the downstairs before she had guests over instead of promising me that she would do it later, or that she and her friends would clean up. This inner turmoil is just with me all the time now. I don't know how to be an effective parent anymore. I feel like I've let all my kids down, but particularly her. I don't know how to fix this. Anyone?