Angry, dark, hate filled day

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Farmwife, Jun 9, 2010.

  1. Farmwife

    Farmwife Member

    I should have known things would take a turn for the worse. I'm just not good at detaching which is something I probably really need. difficult child can be wonderful or downright evil. I always get sucked into the wonderful stage and get blind sided over and over when the evil starts. I wish I was strong enough to remain uninvolved emotionally. It isn't easy or ideal but I have to be able to protect myself in all of this madness. Being a loving parent leaves me vulnerable to a lot of abuse.

    difficult child and I "got into it" today. It was just the usual for us. difficult child lies, cheats or steals. then he becomes downright abusive and beligerant when he is caught.

    I just feel like I am losing the ability to be an effective parent, if I ever had it in the first place. I spent the last 3 years feeling emotionally beaten down, depressed because of it and just generally weary from life. Though I have my own issues I have to say that difficult child has a major role in my woes. I have given and given and given until I have nothing left to give. It is never enough.

    Now my depression and weakness have turned into rage. Sometimes I feel backed into a corner by this battle of wills I can't possibly win. Today and a lot more since baby diva was born I am beginning to feel deep seeded loathing toward my difficult child. I want to hurt him. I know that is a horrible thing to say. When he gets started in his fit, the baby is noticably upset and he won't stop I just want to hurt him so bad so he will just stop. It's like I don't care about his emotional state anymore or how it will hurt him. All I can see is 3 years of being pushed down myself and now my baby having to suffer it too. I'm just so sick and darn tired of living under the tyranny of an emotional abuser. It's changing me into some animal who can only see self preservation. I am so angry that all I want is to lash back and defend myself, to make the garbage stop. I'm tired of living this way. Yes he is a teen but darn it that doesn't mean the whole family has to be held hostage by his rages.

    I know he has issues and needs help. I wouldn't hurt him. I'm just feeling more trapped now than ever. I have a baby and now another on the way. I just can't imagine rasing two little people in this environment.

    Of course difficult child is a perfect angel in public thereby making me look like the problem. No one believes how beastly he can be so I look like a complete fool. When I try to express my anger and frustration people suggest I get counseling. Okay, maybe that would help but it seems a bit unfair, not that fairness is a part of life. Shouldn't I be upset by now? Shouldn't I be angry after everything he has put my family through? Isn't responding to abuse with such a strong feeling of distaste be normal? I'm just not seeing how learning to eat more %&*# and be a patient and loving parent in spite of it helps me? How does learning to accept this behavior help difficult child ever be a decent human being?

    I feel like everytime I try to nurture the person with the mental illness I am in turn also enabling the abuser.

    I just feel bad because sometimes I really hate my child and want to hurt him very bad. I know that isn't normal. Nothing in our lives is normal, difficult child makes sure of that.

    I wish I could send him away for the summer but any family we have is useless as far as rules and expectations so he comes home worse. A sanity break actually just means I have more to pay later and isn't worth it. I can't afford a wilderness/character building camp. I can't send difficult child to ex because he is a mess and why difficult child is a mess in the first place. The local agencies are useless. my house has a lot of extra locks and feels like a prison.

    I just feel trapped, angry and out of options. I used to want to save my once sweet little boy. Now I wonder if anything I have done will ever matter...

    Sorry to ramble. I'm just so darn tired of putting up with his drama. I feel like I'm ready to snap.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Sounds like things are really tough now and I'm sorry.

    difficult child's birthfather has A LOT of mental illness...does your son maybe remind you of him? If not, he could have inherited his father's problems and may be difficult all his life. Sounds like, by his description, nobody really knows what's going on with him...and you're warn out. I get it. I feel bad for both of you.
    It is hard to take care of anyone who has a chronic disease, if it's psychiatric or autism or Crohns Disease (my brother has this and was always very sick), or is normal to resent the person.

    You can't make your son well, but you CAN help yourself deal better with it. I do think getting therapy for yourself would be very helpful. It would also help you help your son and the rest of your family. Now that you've enlarged your family you need to make sure it's safe at home for the babies. Even though son is mentally ill, you need to think about if it is safe to have him around the little ones. As for what other people think and who they blame, who cares? in my opinion just focus on getting yourself help and possibly get another evaluation on your son or think about residential treatment. Just a few thoughts and some hugs.
  3. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    FW - right there with you. Imprisoned by locks, trapped by abusive behavior, cannot afford to send the child somewhere useful.

    On another thread, someone mentioned Boys & Girls Clubs. I'm going to find out what I can.

    I've gone through - crying, because I am upset with myself that I cannot "fix" Onyxx. Because no matter what I do, it's unappreciated. Anger - because no one seems to care (besides the people here). Not husband or BM, not the DR court, not the juvenile court, not the police, not the schools. Enabling - because I just cannot stand the behavior any more and just want some peace. And hurt. Oh, so hurt - that you give your love and trust to someone who just shreds it.

    Yeah, I've been to the point I wanted to hurt someone. I haven't. I don't believe I would, not intentionally. But the thought's there. I figure - if I didn't do it when Onyxx was punching and kicking me last summer, but tried to back away instead - I probably won't.

    Just because you love difficult child - doesn't mean you don't hate him, sometimes, too. Deep loathing - what a great way to say it.

    {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Am there, doing that... I know... Many others do, too. You aren't alone.

    Oh yeah - and what MWM said.
  4. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    I understand those feelings of wanting it to JUST STOP. If his behavior were different, you wouldn't want to hurt him or be so angry. You will help him anyway you can but his behavior is really unhealthy for a family to exist. He creates the tension and dysfunction and not the other way around which is what therapists tend to imply.
    Truth is, he is yours. The options are few and far between. I wish I could pretty it up for you but it's our burden to find a way to help difficult child and save the family. In my mind, the whole ship does not have to sink if one member has to sink. It's sad, it's heartbreaking and we search for every option available.
    I would have a long talk with his psychiatrist about what options you have to put difficult child in a protected, structured environment. If difficult child in any way acts aggressive towards you or the baby, call the police. If you think he may be a danger, have a crisis safety plan. Don't wait until he is going to explode. Plan ahead how you must deal with his aggression.
    There are some threads in archives that discuss having a safety plan. Calling the police also starts a paper trail in the event that you want to turn him in to be a ward of the state. It has been done before.
    I'm sorry you are in a state of sadness and frustration. There isn't a one of us here who has dealt with rage after rage with a teen who doesn't want to turn around, walk out of the door and never come back. But we don't. We get up the next morning and try again.
  5. Bean

    Bean Member

    Honey, I TOTALLY get you. I've felt a lot of what you are feeling. And it is very, very hard. There were many times I was OK and thenit would just creep up on me like BAM!! and I'd want to cry on the spot. Still do. I think it is really hard, too, when they are living at your house and affecting the entire family. We lived through that and it was very, very difficult. Heartwrenching most of the time. Locking everything up, worrying when we weren't home and she was, the siblings listening to her "I hate you, I want to blow my head off" rants. Not pretty stuff.

    My daughter is almost 19 now and we have not invited her back to live here, not with the choices she's making right now. It's been hard, too, in it's own way. But the rest of our family suffers less, and are able to sleep better at night.

    I don't have much advice for you as you live through it. I know that getting outside help is hard. I know that kicking them out is impossible. I would definitely say that setting clear expectations, boundaries and rules is very important, as is not saving her from the possibility of getting herself in trouble. Sometimes that's what they need to actually get help. And I'll tell you - if you want help from the system (at least in MY experience), you want it through the juvenile system, and NOT the adult courts. My daughter got caught up in a domestic situation and ended up going to adult jail. The system for teenagers waived into adult court where I live is a hot, stinking, failure. BEG the school for resources if you can. Maybe there's something out there.

  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    I am so sorry things are so awful. I totally understand your feelings. been there done that. Even with the fear of what will happen to the younger kids as they grow up just seeing what the difficult child does.

    Call the police if he is violent. Make a plan, TODAY, with what you will do the next time he explodes. Do you take the baby and leave? Call and have the police take him in? What does your husband think should be done?

    When was he last fully evaluated by the psychiatrist, neuropsychologist, etc...? With the history of his father's mental illness in mind, is your son starting to show schizophrenic signs? From what I remember, symptoms can start anywhere from the teens to mid twenties, though I might be wrong.

    Going to therapy is an excellent idea. IF it stresses more than just you learning to be patient with his garbage. If a therapist is telling you that you just have to be more patient with all his garbage RUN AWAY. Don't walk. RUN. Therapy needs to stress establishing healthy boundaries and relationships.

    As violent as your difficult child sounds, even if it is only emotional or verbal violence, you should go to a domestic violence center for therapy. I spent quite a while in therapy at our DV center after I insisted my oldest not live here again. It took 6 months before I could look at a photo of him with-o wanting to cry. It was esp tough because our youngest son looks EXACTLY like difficult child did at the same age. They helped immensely. Let me cry, rant, get the pain out. Look at what led up to it, and understand that I truly had done way more than could be expected of anyone.

    Come here often. For support, ideas, hugs, help, friendship, and true understanding. This is the one place where others truly have gone through it, truly are in the same boat, and truly care without judging you.