I should have known things would take a turn for the worse. I'm just not good at detaching which is something I probably really need. difficult child can be wonderful or downright evil. I always get sucked into the wonderful stage and get blind sided over and over when the evil starts. I wish I was strong enough to remain uninvolved emotionally. It isn't easy or ideal but I have to be able to protect myself in all of this madness. Being a loving parent leaves me vulnerable to a lot of abuse. difficult child and I "got into it" today. It was just the usual for us. difficult child lies, cheats or steals. then he becomes downright abusive and beligerant when he is caught. I just feel like I am losing the ability to be an effective parent, if I ever had it in the first place. I spent the last 3 years feeling emotionally beaten down, depressed because of it and just generally weary from life. Though I have my own issues I have to say that difficult child has a major role in my woes. I have given and given and given until I have nothing left to give. It is never enough. Now my depression and weakness have turned into rage. Sometimes I feel backed into a corner by this battle of wills I can't possibly win. Today and a lot more since baby diva was born I am beginning to feel deep seeded loathing toward my difficult child. I want to hurt him. I know that is a horrible thing to say. When he gets started in his fit, the baby is noticably upset and he won't stop I just want to hurt him so bad so he will just stop. It's like I don't care about his emotional state anymore or how it will hurt him. All I can see is 3 years of being pushed down myself and now my baby having to suffer it too. I'm just so sick and darn tired of living under the tyranny of an emotional abuser. It's changing me into some animal who can only see self preservation. I am so angry that all I want is to lash back and defend myself, to make the garbage stop. I'm tired of living this way. Yes he is a teen but darn it that doesn't mean the whole family has to be held hostage by his rages. I know he has issues and needs help. I wouldn't hurt him. I'm just feeling more trapped now than ever. I have a baby and now another on the way. I just can't imagine rasing two little people in this environment. Of course difficult child is a perfect angel in public thereby making me look like the problem. No one believes how beastly he can be so I look like a complete fool. When I try to express my anger and frustration people suggest I get counseling. Okay, maybe that would help but it seems a bit unfair, not that fairness is a part of life. Shouldn't I be upset by now? Shouldn't I be angry after everything he has put my family through? Isn't responding to abuse with such a strong feeling of distaste be normal? I'm just not seeing how learning to eat more %&*# and be a patient and loving parent in spite of it helps me? How does learning to accept this behavior help difficult child ever be a decent human being? I feel like everytime I try to nurture the person with the mental illness I am in turn also enabling the abuser. I just feel bad because sometimes I really hate my child and want to hurt him very bad. I know that isn't normal. Nothing in our lives is normal, difficult child makes sure of that. I wish I could send him away for the summer but any family we have is useless as far as rules and expectations so he comes home worse. A sanity break actually just means I have more to pay later and isn't worth it. I can't afford a wilderness/character building camp. I can't send difficult child to ex because he is a mess and why difficult child is a mess in the first place. The local agencies are useless. my house has a lot of extra locks and feels like a prison. I just feel trapped, angry and out of options. I used to want to save my once sweet little boy. Now I wonder if anything I have done will ever matter... Sorry to ramble. I'm just so darn tired of putting up with his drama. I feel like I'm ready to snap.