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Angry.....difficult child and Fallout.....Venting
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<blockquote data-quote="HeadlightsMom" data-source="post: 635191" data-attributes="member: 18284"><p>MWM -- You are wonderful to chat with! You bring me new ideas (a very exciting thing in all avenues of life) and share your stories and your life -- your ups and downs, your perceptions, your struggles and your triumphs with such genuineness and candor. All are appreciated. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p><p></p><p>Well, it's just a trip-and-a-half to see the bio vs adoptive traits in action. I am very fortunate to see it in my own life and in my son's life. </p><p></p><p>As I was 25 yrs old first meeting my birth mother, it was a phenomenal experience. I have never laid eyes on my birth father (though I have spoken on the phone with him). I also have bio siblings (2 half brothers, 1 half sister) and scores of cousins scattered around the country. With minor exception, ALL of the have openly welcomed and embraced me. The vast majority of them are educated, artistic, and largely somewhat eccentric in their self-expression. We look alike, walk alike, talk alike (for the most part). We're mostly verbal and extroverted. We share similar interests -- largely the arts. And some of them (on my birth father's side, especially) are rip-roarin' FUNNY! I am close to many of my bio family. I am close to my birth mother (whom I call by her first name, rather than "Mom".....my adoptive mom was there for the "Mom" portion of my life and I love her and reserve that sacred title for her alone). My bio mother totally gets this (in fact likes it), and we do just GREAT together!</p><p></p><p>My adoptive roots differ greatly, but bring equally wonderful and important gifts into my life. My adoptive parents were business professionals -- my mom a CPA, my dad a management consultant. These are things I know nothing about. But my parents were (my dad is still alive, my mom died in 2002) both HUGE readers, seekers of knowledge, history, and ethics. My adoptive upbringing had its issues, but it was much more stable than my immediate birth origins (I was the result of a one night stand....no relationship after). My adoptive brother and I were very close as kids, went our separate ways in our 20's, but once we hit our 40's we were tight again. My brother is a GREAT guy (a sales manager, by profession...and a very sensitive animal lover who tries not to let it show <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> ). We take care of my 87-yo dad together. Most of all, my adoptive mom played an enormous role in my life. We were very close. She had a flair for fun and adventure. She was very athletic right until her dying day (I, also, am very athletic). And my mom was, bar none, the BEST friend anyone could have. That would be a whole different thread. But my mom loved everyone and everyone loved her right back. </p><p></p><p>When I was growing up, I didn't think much about adoption. When I sought my bio mother out (long story), I discovered she'd already been looking for me for 2 yrs. I'm an "open" and fairly "flexible" sort, but it still took me many years of sifting to figure out what I thought of the whole adoption thing. By the time I was 40-ish, I concluded that I have lived a better life because I was adopted. No offense to bio family at all. It's just that the circumstances at the time were clear.........My bio parents weren't ready for me, but my adoptive parents were. And they WANTED kids so badly.</p><p></p><p>Of course, with our difficult child (and your adoptive kids), their story is much different. They endured abuse. I did not. Police intervention stripped them from their homes for their survival. I have no idea what that would feel like.......especially at such a tender young age. My brother's (adoptive bro) sons are grown and have taken great effort to include and be supportive of our difficult child. Our nephews are awesome!</p><p></p><p>MWM -- Absolutely, I agree about mental health not equating to criminal behavior. We have several friends and family who wrestle with varying degrees of mental illness and commit no crimes. On my adoptive side, our son is the ONLY one who perpetuates criminal behavior. On my bio side, I'm only aware of 1 who perpetuated it, but he did finally choose a better path. He's a character and I enjoy the heck out of him! But he did have a stretch of criminal behavior.</p><p></p><p>Meanwhile, our difficult child's bio side is checkered with crime. It's very clear-cut, too........It's the MEN. The women wrestle with mental health matters, but their offenses are small. 3 women in his bio family, I rather enjoy. His bio mother is a fetal alcohol baby, herself (don't think difficult child is, though....but not sure). She lives in a group home and is very low functioning. I see his bio mother once a year or so and she always comes up and hugs me and says, "Thank you for taking care of my baby." To which I reply, "Thank you for _having_ my baby!" <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> We laugh about it. She's harmless. difficult child went into foster care because his bio mother was so low functioning she'd shack up with whomever would let her live there. And those she shacked up with abused him -- in every way. She's so low functioning. But she's no criminal. Too low functioning. Most of the rest of his bio family were in and out of jail and rehab constantly. Hence, foster care. And, by the way, difficult child had a FANTASTIC foster family prior to us and we're still in touch with them. They're going to write him in rehab.</p><p></p><p>But the MEN in difficult child's bio family? Well......... YIKES! They're in and out of jail pretty constantly. They're hardened felons. I try to look deeper inside them. I know they're human lives and they matter. I know there's someone in there. But it is very hard to see sometimes. Just VERY HARDENED. </p><p></p><p>I will say that our difficult child is somewhat softer than his uncles. However, he's also younger, so I don't know how they were at his age. But I give our difficult child great credit for his "softer side" during his "open windows". We try to do everything we can to seek and grow his seeds of softness in him. Honestly, it's a really difficult task when his window is shut tight. I absolutely agree with you that Auditory Processing Disorders (APD) (which all of our difficult child's uncles are) is rough. difficult child is diagnosis'd with-Auditory Processing Disorders (APD).</p><p></p><p>Not sure I've seen a true Narcissistic diagnosis on someone (that I know of). I know what Auditory Processing Disorders (APD) looks like in pretty good detail. How does Narcissism look different in day to day life? I'll have to look that up. Personality disorders (esp Borderline) can be so tough.</p><p></p><p>Speaking of tough........... I do feel better already tonight. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p><p></p><p>Had a long chat with husband (man, did I hit the motherlode when I married him!). We strategized a new game plan and set of boundaries around difficult child's 28-day rehab period. The phone call today triggered something in me and the rehab packet triggered something in my husband. We laid out a plan and feel better now for acknowledging our own needs during this time.</p><p></p><p>MWM -- Thanks so much for this series of exchanges on this thread. You helped me a lot tonight. And I enjoyed chatting with you! Know that I support you, your BIG heart (the best way to live!), and your insights and humor! You're a bit of alright! <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite8" alt=":D" title="Big Grin :D" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":D" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="HeadlightsMom, post: 635191, member: 18284"] MWM -- You are wonderful to chat with! You bring me new ideas (a very exciting thing in all avenues of life) and share your stories and your life -- your ups and downs, your perceptions, your struggles and your triumphs with such genuineness and candor. All are appreciated. :) Well, it's just a trip-and-a-half to see the bio vs adoptive traits in action. I am very fortunate to see it in my own life and in my son's life. As I was 25 yrs old first meeting my birth mother, it was a phenomenal experience. I have never laid eyes on my birth father (though I have spoken on the phone with him). I also have bio siblings (2 half brothers, 1 half sister) and scores of cousins scattered around the country. With minor exception, ALL of the have openly welcomed and embraced me. The vast majority of them are educated, artistic, and largely somewhat eccentric in their self-expression. We look alike, walk alike, talk alike (for the most part). We're mostly verbal and extroverted. We share similar interests -- largely the arts. And some of them (on my birth father's side, especially) are rip-roarin' FUNNY! I am close to many of my bio family. I am close to my birth mother (whom I call by her first name, rather than "Mom".....my adoptive mom was there for the "Mom" portion of my life and I love her and reserve that sacred title for her alone). My bio mother totally gets this (in fact likes it), and we do just GREAT together! My adoptive roots differ greatly, but bring equally wonderful and important gifts into my life. My adoptive parents were business professionals -- my mom a CPA, my dad a management consultant. These are things I know nothing about. But my parents were (my dad is still alive, my mom died in 2002) both HUGE readers, seekers of knowledge, history, and ethics. My adoptive upbringing had its issues, but it was much more stable than my immediate birth origins (I was the result of a one night stand....no relationship after). My adoptive brother and I were very close as kids, went our separate ways in our 20's, but once we hit our 40's we were tight again. My brother is a GREAT guy (a sales manager, by profession...and a very sensitive animal lover who tries not to let it show :) ). We take care of my 87-yo dad together. Most of all, my adoptive mom played an enormous role in my life. We were very close. She had a flair for fun and adventure. She was very athletic right until her dying day (I, also, am very athletic). And my mom was, bar none, the BEST friend anyone could have. That would be a whole different thread. But my mom loved everyone and everyone loved her right back. When I was growing up, I didn't think much about adoption. When I sought my bio mother out (long story), I discovered she'd already been looking for me for 2 yrs. I'm an "open" and fairly "flexible" sort, but it still took me many years of sifting to figure out what I thought of the whole adoption thing. By the time I was 40-ish, I concluded that I have lived a better life because I was adopted. No offense to bio family at all. It's just that the circumstances at the time were clear.........My bio parents weren't ready for me, but my adoptive parents were. And they WANTED kids so badly. Of course, with our difficult child (and your adoptive kids), their story is much different. They endured abuse. I did not. Police intervention stripped them from their homes for their survival. I have no idea what that would feel like.......especially at such a tender young age. My brother's (adoptive bro) sons are grown and have taken great effort to include and be supportive of our difficult child. Our nephews are awesome! MWM -- Absolutely, I agree about mental health not equating to criminal behavior. We have several friends and family who wrestle with varying degrees of mental illness and commit no crimes. On my adoptive side, our son is the ONLY one who perpetuates criminal behavior. On my bio side, I'm only aware of 1 who perpetuated it, but he did finally choose a better path. He's a character and I enjoy the heck out of him! But he did have a stretch of criminal behavior. Meanwhile, our difficult child's bio side is checkered with crime. It's very clear-cut, too........It's the MEN. The women wrestle with mental health matters, but their offenses are small. 3 women in his bio family, I rather enjoy. His bio mother is a fetal alcohol baby, herself (don't think difficult child is, though....but not sure). She lives in a group home and is very low functioning. I see his bio mother once a year or so and she always comes up and hugs me and says, "Thank you for taking care of my baby." To which I reply, "Thank you for _having_ my baby!" :) We laugh about it. She's harmless. difficult child went into foster care because his bio mother was so low functioning she'd shack up with whomever would let her live there. And those she shacked up with abused him -- in every way. She's so low functioning. But she's no criminal. Too low functioning. Most of the rest of his bio family were in and out of jail and rehab constantly. Hence, foster care. And, by the way, difficult child had a FANTASTIC foster family prior to us and we're still in touch with them. They're going to write him in rehab. But the MEN in difficult child's bio family? Well......... YIKES! They're in and out of jail pretty constantly. They're hardened felons. I try to look deeper inside them. I know they're human lives and they matter. I know there's someone in there. But it is very hard to see sometimes. Just VERY HARDENED. I will say that our difficult child is somewhat softer than his uncles. However, he's also younger, so I don't know how they were at his age. But I give our difficult child great credit for his "softer side" during his "open windows". We try to do everything we can to seek and grow his seeds of softness in him. Honestly, it's a really difficult task when his window is shut tight. I absolutely agree with you that Auditory Processing Disorders (APD) (which all of our difficult child's uncles are) is rough. difficult child is diagnosis'd with-Auditory Processing Disorders (APD). Not sure I've seen a true Narcissistic diagnosis on someone (that I know of). I know what Auditory Processing Disorders (APD) looks like in pretty good detail. How does Narcissism look different in day to day life? I'll have to look that up. Personality disorders (esp Borderline) can be so tough. Speaking of tough........... I do feel better already tonight. :) Had a long chat with husband (man, did I hit the motherlode when I married him!). We strategized a new game plan and set of boundaries around difficult child's 28-day rehab period. The phone call today triggered something in me and the rehab packet triggered something in my husband. We laid out a plan and feel better now for acknowledging our own needs during this time. MWM -- Thanks so much for this series of exchanges on this thread. You helped me a lot tonight. And I enjoyed chatting with you! Know that I support you, your BIG heart (the best way to live!), and your insights and humor! You're a bit of alright! :D [/QUOTE]
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