Angry With husband About Christmas

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Bunny, Dec 2, 2010.

  1. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    Every year in husband's family his aunt and uncle have Christmas at their house. For the 13 years that husband and I have been married we have never spent a Christmas Day in here, except for one Christmas that I cooked when we were living in our apartment when my family came, and that was before the kids were born. So, this year I asked Aunt C if I could cook. I told her that my kids really wanted a Christmas where they could stay home and play with their new toys and not have to rush off to someone else's house. Plus the fact, although I didn't tell her this, Aunt C is 74 and Uncle P is 83 and she complains bitterly about having to make this HUGE tray of lasagne and making 300 tiny meatballs for it and it's so much work. You would think that she would be happy to give to holiday to someone else. My kids get bored there because there is really nothing for them to do there. We bring games and stuff, but that only lasts for so long. They only got cable for the first time last year, so it's not like they could watch anything on television, either.

    When I asked if I could cook this year I got a very cold, "I cook Christmas every year." Really, I don't want to go and I told husband that and he said that we have to go because his aunt would be angry if we don't (like I care about that) and it's Christmas and we should be with family. difficult child has been up in arms with me about it. I told him that I spoke to his father and that he wants to go. So, difficult child asks husband if we could stay home (he asks husband really nicely; I get screamed at about it!). husband tells me this morning that he's thinking about not going. I'm glad that he's thinking about it, but I wanted to scream! I told him that I said weeks ago I didn't to go and I got shot down immediately, but difficult child says it and all of a sudden it's a wonderful idea? Ugh!! I HATE when he does that!

  2. SRL

    SRL Active Member

    I'm convinced that a lot of people have Holiday Martyrdom Syndrome. They complain and complain but offer them a reasonable way out and they won't accept it. I married into a family where women put on a big meal for Mother's Day. As in one of them hosts it, and the rest of us moms fix the food and travel to that home, then clean up. They grumbled, but when we offered up the options of going out or catering/carrying in the food, those moms were the ones who shot it down.

    Holidays and families are hard.
  3. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    I think it's really hard to buck these long-standing family matter how much of a PITA they start to become.

    We had a similar situation in our family - so we decided to come up with an alternative. We hosted a Chirstmas Eve brunch...and then stayed home on Christmas Day. That way, we asked no one to stop cooking, or change their plans or anything else - we just said come see us on Christmas we have decided to stay home Christmas Day...but we'd still like to celebrate the holiday with you.

    Not everyone was happy with this, of course. But it worked wonderfully for us!
  4. shellyd67

    shellyd67 Active Member

    When I was pregnant with difficult child, my Aunt told me never to drag the kids out on Christmas day and I stuck to it. Anyone is welcome here but we will not drive all over the place when all the kids want to do is stay home and play with their toys. I feel for ya Bunny. husband does insist that we visit with his family Christmas Eve and as much as I do not want to go (mother in law's house is the size of a shoebox and she packs about 30 people in it) husband and the kids really enjoy going ....
  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Yeah, have to tend to agree about Holiday Martyrdom Syndrome, sounds like auntie dear has a major dose.

    easy child has a harried xmas at best. She gets up at the crack of dawn (literally) to get over to her mother in law's for this huge family breakfast. They open presents after breakfast. Then she and her husband drive home so the boys can open their own presents. Then they come here for xmas dinner at noon, then back to mother in law's at dinnertime for supper. There have been several years I have opted to have xmas dinner on xmas eve just so she wouldn't have such a chaotic schedule xmas day. Usually by the end of the day easy child and sister in law are stressed to the max, the boys are tired and unhappy they weren't able to play with their toys at all.

    I don't understand why easy child doesn't tell mother in law to take her xmas breakfast and shove it personally, as I would have years ago. Once a day I understand. But early morning breakfast AND supper? No. I think there is also a Holiday Martyrdom Syndrome with guests as well. easy child is one of them. ugh
  6. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I think you should grab hold of the fact that your kids are still young and want to stay home with their parents on Christmas Day and make your own plans. The thing is that in a couple of years, difficult child will begin to have a life outside of you and husband and will be hanging with friends more than you. Get it while you can.

    I like the idea of offering an open house on Christmas Eve but starting your own family traditions for Christmas Day. I'm sorry, but I would totally shut this down NOW with husband. Or at least compromise and go every other year. Family Traditions are nice until they aren't.
  7. jal

    jal Member

    We used to run too when difficult child was little. Xmas eve party at husband's uncles, then to xmas eve dinner at husband's dad & stepmom's then on xmas day do our gifts, onto my parents for noontime dinner then to mother in law's. It just got to be too much. difficult child was exhausted as were we. Finally, we pared it down to xmas eve party, then on xmas I cooked for us and the grandparents came to us. That way no rushing around and difficult child got to play with his toys. Makes it so much easier.

    Last year we didn't even do xmas eve party and really enjoyed hunkering down!
  8. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I hear you, Pam. When Miss KT was little, we went to Christmas Eve at Useless Boy's parents, did our Christmas morning at home, then went to my mom's for lunch. After Useless Boy and I divorced, his mom still invited Miss KT, me, and my mom over for Christmas Eve dinner, though UB never seemed to show. Fine with me. Then Miss KT and I would spend the night at my mom's and do the big present extravaganza there.

    When Hubby and I got married, Miss KT was the one pulled in several directions, because Hubby's family does Christmas Eve. We kept our Christmas morning and lunch at my mom's, and UB would pick her up from my mom's and go over to his folks for Christmas evening. Poor kid never knew which end was up, and it took her several days to unwind from the season. By then it was New Year's Eve, and staying up all night and going outside with her brother and making a bunch of noise at midnight kept her fired up for several more days. Imagine a nine-year-old girl, pan in one hand and serving spoon in another, banging utensils together and howling, while her brother (Son #2) and his buddies set off illegal and noisy fireworks in the middle of the street, only to scatter like rats when they saw headlights. Yep...our first New Year's Eve as a family.

    Hope you get to stay home and enjoy your day.
  9. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    Thank, everyone. I knew the people here would understand. Honestly, I'm not sure which I'm angrier at: the witch aunt who insists that she has to be the one to cook, even though we will hear complaints all day about how exhausted she is from the effort, or husband for blowing me off when I suggested that we stay home, but then saying that he would think about it when difficult child said the same thing.

    We cook here at our house on Christmas Eve. My in-laws and husband's brother and his wife are coming for dinner, so it's small and nice. Christmas day is just too chaotic. I am really hoping that husband will give in and agree to stay home. Either that, or I might send him on his own, which I'm really not thrilled about because it's Christmas and he should be home with us.

  10. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    i hear ya. a hate the running. i might get stay home this year for Christmas because there wnt be room for me and my stuck out leg at the brooms'. the lengths i go to to get my way...

    my family stopped celebrating on the day years ago for just this reason. best decision ever. now we get together in january and most spend an entire weekend together. its one if the highlights of the year.

    i hope you stay home.
  11. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Hey, who cares how husband came to the idea as long as you don't have to go anywhere. He maybe didn't realize how much everyone hated going until difficult child mentioned it. He probably hates going as well, but kept it to himself. Don't go. We always go somewhere Christmas Eve and stay home Christmas Day. Start your own tradition. Secretly the aunt is thrilled not be cooking 300 meatballs. Invite her to your house instead. Tell her ,"just this once" so she won't feel bad. By the time next year rolls around, this will be your new tradition.
  12. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Okay so I guess if I had to (and I have had to oh girl believe me have I had to) put up with a husband like this and a geriatriac wonder aunt (insert over-bearing, satyr, queen of the martyrs xMIL now passed away) for the holidays let me think back to the nightmare that was my former life aka marriage for 13 years.....(blows dust off of brain) exhale loudly and rolls eyes......oh yes what was my FINAL retort at the LAST SUPPER???? Because only HEAVEN and my Mother in LAW KNEW that SHE was the QUEEN of CHRISTMAS LASAGNAE...and there was ABSOLUTELY NO WAY that her 900 sf home would be sans one son, one grandson, and one unwelcomed sarcastic yet closed mouth daughter in law - the only helpful one in the bunch who was wrangled into ALL the cleaning, ALL the chores, ALL the baby-sitting while everyone else went to the bar for a Christmas FINALLY after years of trying to "bow out ever so politely" only to cause frustration and arguments which ended poorly for me with black eyes, not to mention HER continual insults and overbearing retorts of my absurd inability to cook for my own family - - I turned to the Wicked Witch of the South one Winter evening in front of the whole entire clan and without missing a beat and with a Southern draw and smile on my face as cool as I could I said -

    "Well OF COURSE we'll be there on Christmas Day. I've gotten so used to the acidic taste of your phoney jarred Italian sauce in that undigestible playdough you call lasagnae that I can hardly imagine what a Christmas Morning tradition would be without gagging down a plate full and trying to keep a smile on my face."

    needless to say - I never spent another Christmas in her house. Years later she wouldn't either - her own children would run her over with her own vehicle then tell the police SHE did it herself. Happened just before Christmas too - makes you wonder if someone elses wife had it with the lasagnae.
  13. shellyd67

    shellyd67 Active Member

  14. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    You could come to my house. We don't celebrate for just such reasons. Or we could go to your house. We'd be happy to let you cook for us!
  15. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I think you should grab hold of the fact that your kids are still young and want to stay home with their parents on Christmas Day and make your own plans. The thing is that in a couple of years, difficult child will begin to have a life outside of you and husband and will be hanging with friends more than you. Get it while you can.

    Amen to that.
  16. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Shellyd -

    Yup....and for YEARS - she preached - Don't you go to the cops for ANYTHING. I got beaten to a pulp? She'd scream - What did you do to make him angry - Don't you go to the cops. Sister in law get beaten and lost a tooth - She would say "Why did you make him upset you know how he gets - dont' you call the cops." So for years the woman literally beat it into everyones head that when something happens you do NOT call the police. So when they ran her over? They left her under her own car for a while and THEN decided it was best to call 911 - as if they had gone to look for her - and DISCOVERED their 'crazy' Mom out under the rear axle. Yeah - Karma - it's a bite in the hiney huh?

    Even the neighbors? Who were so intimidated by her and this family? SAW and heard NOTHING.
  17. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    OMG, Star!! That's quite a story!! I guess I should be grateful that husband's family is not quite that bad!

  18. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Wow... And I thought my life was nuts around Christmas...

    When I was a kid, one year we'd go to Mom's parents for Christmas, the next they'd come to our house. (Dad's parents lived too far away.) On Christmas Eve. We'd get up, open a few gifts, eat, finish opening. One present per person, then open, then next round. I loved being the "Elf" that delivered presents...

    When I moved out, I'd go to my parents' on Christmas Eve. Lots of times we'd invite friends, then we'd go look at lights. And I'd spend the night there.

    Married XH, and would sleep at home then go to parents' for Christmas. Until 2000. I was in OK with him, they were in NM with Mom's parents. Not a good memory.

    Next Christmas, they went to Dad's parents and I spent the day with BFF and his now XW; at his grandma's then his Dad's.
    NEXT Christmas, Mom, Dad and I went to NM. And the next was at mother in law's. And then in 2004, Grandma passed away on the 21st and husband (then boyfriend) tried to break his neck making sure Dad and I could get to NM to be with Mom.

    Now, it's based on the kids. If it's our year, we have Mom and Dad over early on Christmas Day. If it's BM's year, we get to start on Dec. 26 at noon - so we do our house. (Except last year, for some odd reason, when we were at Mom and Dad's...)

    This year, Onyxx, husband and I will go to Mom & Dad's on the 25th and just enjoy each other. And then the 26th, they'll come to our house for loot-opening.

    Last year, I had a few people over on Christmas Eve, then we went to late church services. This year, I'm doing that on the 11th. So I can RELAX closer to the holiday.

    mother in law wants us to come over. Nope. She can come to my house - or not. Up to her. I ***refuse*** to drag the family here, there and everywhere.