Annoyed at my uncle and difficult child cousin.

[gcvmom]

My mom is gonna flip when I tell her that her brother gave his difficult child son (who is the same age as my difficult child 2) the choice of opting out from attending difficult child 2's birthday outing this weekend. And I have to admit, I'm a little annoyed, because even if the kid didn't want to play paintball (which is what we're doing for difficult child 2), the family still could have come to wish difficult child 2 a happy birthday, Know what I mean?? This kid is already developing antisocial tendencies (at Thanksgiving which was at his house, he did not come out of his room for more than a few minutes the entire day. Spent hours in there playing video games and only because I sent my kids in to say hi to him did they spend any time with him. He never came out to greet the adults or eat with the family). I guess it's just a difference in parenting, but my mom often gets annoyed when her brother lets his son (who is an only child) choose whether or not to participate in family events. He's given him this decision making control ever since he could talk. Kid doesn't want to do something, they don't do it. On the one hand, it's empowering for a child, but on the other, this kid has missed out on trying many cool things in life simply because he didn't want to attempt it and he's certainly not doing anything to cultivate a relationship with his cousins. My mom and I admittedly share the view that a parent should never take no as the final answer when it comes to exposing our kids to life's experiences.

Sigh.

 

[gcvmom]

Even more laughable is that my mom's other brother's stepson (who is the same age as difficult child 1) IS coming to the party, and we've only known him about 3 years!

 

[Bunny]

I'm sorry. Will difficult child 2 be upset that the difficult child cousin won't be there? I understand wanting to give a kid a feeling of control over some things in life (I know that that does help our difficult child alot) but I don't think that allowing him to opt out of family events is the answer either.

 

[gcvmom]

Probably not since he doesn't have a very close relationship with the difficult child cousin (hmmm, can't imagine WHY). And it looks like it's not about to evolve into anything meaningful anytime soon either!

 

[buddy]

I'm sorry. Will difficult child 2 be upset that the difficult child cousin won't be there? I understand wanting to give a kid a feeling of control over some things in life (I know that that does help our difficult child alot) but I don't think that allowing him to opt out of family events is the answer either.

But if he is a difficult child (is he really or are you saying that because he is a ???? I can't think of a word... I really dont mean anything rude, just asking) does he need to be able to opt out of things? Or is the fact that he is being raised this way make him a difficult child since it is making his behavior like that?

I know I get sad sometimes that it seems my son is not as important in terms of people attending his events etc. like they do for the other kids. His are not so exciting..I mean adapted sports somtimes is just kids doing whatever..... but he notices and we go to all the football, volleyball, etc. that he can handle.

Just wondering.... Even if a difficult child, it should be the parents final call. But I know we are working on Q identifying high risk situations and knowing when something is too much. sounds like this is different though. Just doing whatever he wants to do without thought of other's feelings??

 

[gcvmom]

He's becoming a difficult child, I believe, because of the parenting style he's being raised with. He tends to be introverted anyway, and now that he's in high school, it seems to be getting worse. And his parents don't do anything to get him involved with other people his age. I told my mom after I saw him at Thanksgiving that he seemed depressed. Didn't smile. Didn't seem happy to see his cousins. Preferred to just hang out in his room and do the video game thing -- which I get to a degree given his age and the fact that there were other kids his age wanting to hang out and play games with him. But something just seems off.

This isn't the first time he's opted out of a party because it didn't interest him. Part of me feels that's selfish on his part and indulgent on his parents' part. My three kids are the only relatives he has his age in the entire world -- and we only live 30 miles away, yet we only see him if we invite him over for a party (and he feels like going) or when we get together for Thanksgiving or Christmas.

And part of me also feels bad for difficult child 2 -- it's his birthday and we can't even get kids from school to come to this (just one) let alone the one male cousin his age.

 

[buddy]

He's becoming a difficult child, I believe, because of the parenting style he's being raised with. He tends to be introverted anyway, and now that he's in high school, it seems to be getting worse. And his parents don't do anything to get him involved with other people his age. I told my mom after I saw him at Thanksgiving that he seemed depressed. Didn't smile. Didn't seem happy to see his cousins. Preferred to just hang out in his room and do the video game thing -- which I get to a degree given his age and the fact that there were other kids his age wanting to hang out and play games with him. But something just seems off.

This isn't the first time he's opted out of a party because it didn't interest him. Part of me feels that's selfish on his part and indulgent on his parents' part. My three kids are the only relatives he has his age in the entire world -- and we only live 30 miles away, yet we only see him if we invite him over for a party (and he feels like going) or when we get together for Thanksgiving or Christmas.

And part of me also feels bad for difficult child 2 -- it's his birthday and we can't even get kids from school to come to this (just one) let alone the one male cousin his age.

Oh, I see, that makes sense then. that is how I feel for Q too. he has never had a birthday party with friends. NOt once. I couldn't even get a neighbor kid to join us one year. I wont get Q excited ever because he would count on it then if they didn't show.....

He doesn't get invited either. Only once when a whole class did.

Especially hurts that the other two cousins always go to eachother's bd parties, but Q has been to ONE. He is nearly 15 they are 13 and 12 and only ONE. (and one of them lived with us for two years!) Just kind of stinks.

 

[gcvmom]

Yes birthdays have been a struggle for years with difficult child 2. The last time we had a big turnout was before his BiPolar (BP) symptoms started between 4th and 5th grade. After that it was near impossible to get anyone to come to a birthday event, and he never gets invited either. He managed to make one good friend in middle school and that boy is coming on Saturday (thank goodness). I guess we should be thankful for our blessings, however small (and stinky) they seem to us.

 

[DammitJanet]

thats why I discontinued birthdays for my boys early. We did family fun days instead. Something they really wanted to do...mostly with the birthday boy only and the preferred parent. And they got to pick their very favorite dinner. I also made it a coming of age thing that on their 13th birthday I took them to red lobster and they got a lobster dinner. AND one of those virgin mixed drinks with the umbrellas in it. Back then they even gave them a red lobster necklace...lol.