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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 742226" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>This was a sad post. I could picture those old parents, afraid to die, because I am one of them.</p><p>Well. This site was oriented, I guess, initially toward the conduct disordered...those kids who used drugs, would not accept authority or control of any sort, lied, stole stuff, etc.</p><p></p><p>And when I came here, I was in a battle for control with my son. I felt that my job was to make him adhere to a life path that I considered the right one (it is clear I still struggle with this)...and his job was to do what he wanted, to get support in the way that he wanted it, and to resist my control. For the life of me, I hung on to the idea that he CHOSE to be the way he was and that he could un-choose it. The mothers here right away got that I was fighting a war I could never win...and called me on it.</p><p></p><p>The prevailing ethos here was detachment. I tried and I tried.</p><p></p><p>Only SWOT from the beginning saw that there was a vulnerability and a sweetness in my son, that was different than many of the kids here. She urged and urged me to think about him this way, that he needed more support than many of the other kids. I thought so too, but I was so confused. Most everybody else was telling me to let go, which I could not do. I tried and tried and tried. And he did not. The very thing that gave me the most trouble, was his vulnerability, because my heart could not stand it. Because this was the son I had lost, because of how much he was resisting me. I understood it intellectually, but my heart could not. I could not bear my son's hurt, because I could not bear my own.</p><p></p><p>You see. I wanted to think my son had a substance abuse problem, because then he could stop the marijuana and be okay. I did not want to be those old parents in the Nami group who knew it would never got better, and they would die and leave intensely vulnerable adult children.</p><p></p><p>You know I think there are parents of schizophrenic adult children, or other seriously ill children that do let go. The parents who went to that meeting were self-selected. You never met the other parents.</p><p></p><p>Which is a roundabout way of saying that I agree with you. That there is a difference. But how much? I think a lot about Anthony Bourdain, the chef who became an emmy winning TV producer of travel documentaries who recently committed suicide at age 63, I think he was. He was brilliant and innovative and at the top of the world. He also had been a heroin addict for 25 years or something...and he also was famously depressed, they say he was fixated on death and suicide. He was dazzling and handsome and brilliantly creative. He was beloved and admired. He did work he adored...that sustained him and redeemed his life, it seems. He had a beautiful child and friends galore. He could not hold on.</p><p></p><p>His mother after his death said that he was the last person in the world that she would have expected to kill himself. What in the world could she say?</p><p></p><p>So. I am left with wondering if the mother was in denial, like I was. That she could not bear her child's pain. She would not see it. And then it prevailed.</p><p></p><p>I am not saying that the difficult children here are crippled inside like Bourdain seemed to be. Because he had to have been crippled inside. Many of us are devastated and crushed by life, especially when we have achieved our dreams. And nothing is left, and we are more miserable and desperate than ever. But many of us become motivated by the despair. We push against the bottom, over and over again, and we make meaning, miserable moment after miserable moment. Spirituality. Yoga. Politics. Art. Friendships. Dancing. Why could Bourdain not take this route? Why did he choose how he did? How could he leave his beloved daughter? I don't know.</p><p></p><p>So after I write all of this I see huge differences between parents, but not because their kids are in one group or another. I believe it is because the parents differ. It is not that they started out different. I think they worked it through. And died trying. I think those old parents in your groups had heroic lives. They never ever quit. I am filled with admiration for them. And a kind of love.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 742226, member: 18958"] This was a sad post. I could picture those old parents, afraid to die, because I am one of them. Well. This site was oriented, I guess, initially toward the conduct disordered...those kids who used drugs, would not accept authority or control of any sort, lied, stole stuff, etc. And when I came here, I was in a battle for control with my son. I felt that my job was to make him adhere to a life path that I considered the right one (it is clear I still struggle with this)...and his job was to do what he wanted, to get support in the way that he wanted it, and to resist my control. For the life of me, I hung on to the idea that he CHOSE to be the way he was and that he could un-choose it. The mothers here right away got that I was fighting a war I could never win...and called me on it. The prevailing ethos here was detachment. I tried and I tried. Only SWOT from the beginning saw that there was a vulnerability and a sweetness in my son, that was different than many of the kids here. She urged and urged me to think about him this way, that he needed more support than many of the other kids. I thought so too, but I was so confused. Most everybody else was telling me to let go, which I could not do. I tried and tried and tried. And he did not. The very thing that gave me the most trouble, was his vulnerability, because my heart could not stand it. Because this was the son I had lost, because of how much he was resisting me. I understood it intellectually, but my heart could not. I could not bear my son's hurt, because I could not bear my own. You see. I wanted to think my son had a substance abuse problem, because then he could stop the marijuana and be okay. I did not want to be those old parents in the Nami group who knew it would never got better, and they would die and leave intensely vulnerable adult children. You know I think there are parents of schizophrenic adult children, or other seriously ill children that do let go. The parents who went to that meeting were self-selected. You never met the other parents. Which is a roundabout way of saying that I agree with you. That there is a difference. But how much? I think a lot about Anthony Bourdain, the chef who became an emmy winning TV producer of travel documentaries who recently committed suicide at age 63, I think he was. He was brilliant and innovative and at the top of the world. He also had been a heroin addict for 25 years or something...and he also was famously depressed, they say he was fixated on death and suicide. He was dazzling and handsome and brilliantly creative. He was beloved and admired. He did work he adored...that sustained him and redeemed his life, it seems. He had a beautiful child and friends galore. He could not hold on. His mother after his death said that he was the last person in the world that she would have expected to kill himself. What in the world could she say? So. I am left with wondering if the mother was in denial, like I was. That she could not bear her child's pain. She would not see it. And then it prevailed. I am not saying that the difficult children here are crippled inside like Bourdain seemed to be. Because he had to have been crippled inside. Many of us are devastated and crushed by life, especially when we have achieved our dreams. And nothing is left, and we are more miserable and desperate than ever. But many of us become motivated by the despair. We push against the bottom, over and over again, and we make meaning, miserable moment after miserable moment. Spirituality. Yoga. Politics. Art. Friendships. Dancing. Why could Bourdain not take this route? Why did he choose how he did? How could he leave his beloved daughter? I don't know. So after I write all of this I see huge differences between parents, but not because their kids are in one group or another. I believe it is because the parents differ. It is not that they started out different. I think they worked it through. And died trying. I think those old parents in your groups had heroic lives. They never ever quit. I am filled with admiration for them. And a kind of love. [/QUOTE]
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