Another 51a filed about Elijah

[jcox]

Also yesterday I forgot to mention that we had a meeting with the DCF worker assigned to our family for my stepson Charlie who is fourteen (If you are not familiar with the story about him we got him four years ago, he had a terrible history of abuse by his mother's mother who he was raised by etc. He was into lots of weed and hanging with the wrong people, etc.). Anyways we got a new worker because our last one who was very nice went to run a DYS facility. So the lady came for her first visit and told me that another 51a got filed on us on Friday saying that Elijah was not getting the services he needs and had some very concerning behaviors including being aggresive with his sister and to the dog. I was rattling my brain wondering who filed? I don't believe it was the school this time like last month because he had an awesome two weeks there. Then I was thinking maybe the old psychiatrist, or the therapist who kicked him out a few weeks ago, but the timing is not right for those. They would have filed already. Then I was thinking Thursday he went for Genetics testing at Tufts and Friday the report was filed. That adds up. The doctor and students did question me about his behaviors and I freely gave them information about his behaviors... too much I guess. I know that I do all I can for him. I continue to strongly advocate for him at school, drive almost two hours away for his psychiatrist because none around here are good enough for him, get him all sorts of testing, have tried before to get him admitted only to be turned away, but yet I am still presented as being a bad mother. I totally don't understand how they could do this when I took him there for help. I know it had to be that doctor or one of those students because of the timing and the info I shared with them. The DCF worker asked me to sign a release so she could prove to her boss that Elijah was in the hospital. She said it might be investigated, or screened out before it even is. She said it was in the screening process and we might get a visit or might not. No visitor today and it is the third day so they might have just screened it out seeing he is in the hospital. It makes me sad that the people who I share information with thinking that is what is best for Elijah like the school and doctors turn what I tell them into suspected neglect, when I am just trying to do what is best for him. That really hurts my heart a little bit, but have learned that I am going to have to watch what I tell people and just start asking questions like how is what they want to know relevent to the situation etc. and not sharing as much as I have about Elijah's behaviors. It just does not seem right that these professionals do that. I know all about the mandated reporting because I was a teacher before for five years at a daycare and a CNA. Both of those positions are mandated reporters too, but couldn't these people see that I was trying to get him help? It just makes me second guess myself that maybe I could have been doing something more, but I don't know what. I tried to get him admitted only to be told by psychiatrists that he did not need to be, or to be turned away from the ER with them telling me he did not meet criteria. Atleast he is in the hospital now. Good timing!

Janice

 

[BusynMember]

Janice, you are a GREAT mother. This garbage that is happening to you happens ALL THE TIME. People with bipolar kids who get hypersexual are accused of abusing them, for example. It's REALLY sad that we can't get help for our kids without being careful because somebody may decide we are abusive rather than desperate to help our kids. Know that every single person on this board believes you.
Here's a fast story. My son is both adopted and on the autism spectrum so he, especially when he was very young, can seem like he is in his own world and he can rage. One idiot worker, who didn't believe he was Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD), called CPS on us to say that he is unattached to us and that we can't control him when he has, what she called, a tantrum (that was putting it mildly). She saw him kicking and hitting me and thought I should be able to stop him. She sure didn't get off HER duff and try to stop him as he fell to the floor with his little arms and legs flailing. She just turned us in.
The investigator spent five minutes with us before she left, rolling her eyes. She could tell he was attached to us, just that something was obviously wrong with him, and she knew he was in all sorts of services and scheduled for more testing. Get your information together so you can present all you are doing for him to somebody, if an investigator comes. Be calm and gracious and not defensive--they think being defensive means you are guilty. Be very cooperative. You'll be fine.
And know that we all believe in you and that they are the incompetent ones, not you.

 

[susiestar]

I am so sorry. It does hurt some when you find that someone you turned to for help turned you in as a bad parent. Bad parents don't go looking for help.

You truly are a GREAT mother! If possible, just look at this as though they were trying to do the right thing and got confused. I remember being questioned in the Children's Hospital ER because I brought my daughter in for the 3rd time with a dislocated elbow. She would just suddenly sit down if she didn't want to go somewhere. And her elbow wasn't quite fully formed and would pop out of joint. For several months she did this every 3-4 weeks. It was kind of sad because they did show me how to put it back into place, but if it didn't go back the first time I took her to the ER. I didn't want to keep manipulating it and possibly hurt her worse. In this case they didn't report because they called our pediatrician and he vouched for me (it was MY pediatrician from childhood that they reached so he knew us very very well).

Get your Parent Report together. Keep it up to date with any new info you get. It can help prove that you are doing everything you can to help your child. If you don't have one, maybe you can use some of the time while Elijah is in the hospital to start it. Here is a link to the outling for a Parent Report: http://www.conductdisorders.com/forum/showthread.php?t=10

It is best to work on this in chunks, not all at one time. Otherwise it can be rather overwhelming. I always kept copies of all reports and lab work from the doctors in this report. I even kept copies of the receipts from every doctor appointment that showed a diagnosis code on it in there so that I could show that we had been to all the docs. We did have a report filed on my daughter's behalf by our pediatrician. The one we have now (we are in a different state). It was because her bro was abusing her and we had just found out. She needed intense help for the problems he caused, so the doctor had to report it as abuse. It was not the greatest. Just make SURE someone from the hospital is with Elijah while they talk to him (if they talk to him).

Sending gentle hugs,

 

[Wonderful Family]

When difficult child was 6, we were turned in by a neighbor for him to be investigated potential sexual abuse because the boys were playing doctor. Fortunately, we were cleared immediately; but it was a terrible experience because I knew it was because difficult child was a difficult child; another kid would not have been turned in.

Try to keep a positive attitude if you can and assume that while the docs may not have quite understood - he's really young even for what they see and treat on a daily basis. This will just be one more small speed bump and will be over soon.

 

[TerryJ2]

I don't k know what a 51a is but it doesn't sound good. I am so sorry that this wrench has been thrown into the works. No good deed goes upunished.
I'm sending support and positive thoughts.

 

[eekysign]

I know all about the mandated reporting because I was a teacher before for five years at a daycare and a CNA. Both of those positions are mandated reporters too, but couldn't these people see that I was trying to get him help?

Remember what the word mandatory means. I'm sure they could see that you're doing the best you can, but sometimes people aren't given the option to "follow their hearts". Mandatory doesn't mean, "the decision is in their hands". It means that they report, and leave the decision-making up to someone else, yeah? As unfair as that may be, you told them that your other child and your dog were being abused, and as mandatory reporters, they had to report that, or face...what is it now? A thousand dollar fine? Plus all the mental stress, worrying about what might happen if they don't report when they know they should?

I'm just saying, don't be so hard on yourself---some things are out of your hands, and out of the hands of the people around you. I wish they'd give mandatory reporters a little leeway, too (especially for ones working WITH our difficult children!!!), but the law doesn't really allow for that. Sigh. I'm sure it'll all work out fine, they will only find a good mom, doing the best she can!